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'It's just a phase'

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by SwiftKnight, Nov 4, 2013.

  1. SwiftKnight

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    I recently came out as gay to my female friend. Second person I'm out to.
    First thing she said after I took like I don't know how many moments to muster up my courage as she kept on encouraging me that I can tell her anything,
    Is 'really? Really? Really?' And because I myself isn't so sure. I feel that I am one, but I haven been in a relationship with either a guy or girl so she tells me that I'm probably confused and that when I meet the right guy I will feel it and she said that she used to like a girl too but after she met anther guy she realise she just likes her presence and thus she's 'straight' again. She questions if I'm really gay, saying that 'you don't even act like one'
    And hinting that it's just a phase. I told her not to tell anyone. And I think she kept it but there was this one day where she pointed at some photo and was like 'ewwww this lesbian I know her ' and proceeded to talk about how that lesbian did gross stuff with another lesbian.

    And like I'm really confused now but my exams are approaching so I will put it aside until three weeks later when my exams are over .
    I'm just quite sad.. Such a personal thing to me but it feels as if my worries are minor ones and brushed aside. I don't know.and I'm afraid I can't find any girls that like me back but I've thought about it. Instead of looking for the right one, I'll improve myself to be the right one!
     
  2. Summer Rose

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    While you still don't know yourself, having no experience, what you're going through shouldn't just be brushed aside so harshly. Since you're still trying to figure things how, consider how you feel towards both guys and girls; do you feel more nervous around girls? Does being around another girl feel more intimate than being around a guy?

    Aside from that, I'd say to just relax and focus on school. You have enough to deal with with test coming soon, so focus on what's immediately important. As for your friend, she is really just simplifying the issue: people are different and even when they look similar, they can turn out wildly different results. Also, there is no such thing as "acting like a lesbian." The only thing that constitutes being a lesbian is liking other girls; acting differently just means you have a different personality.
     
  3. BookDragon

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    Ignoring your sexuality for a moment, if her saying how gross lesbians are bothers you, then you are well within your rights to make something of it. Next time she does it, ask her why she thinks its wrong. Make her explain the whole damn thing. Don't make it about you, don't even mention your sexuality at all, just make her explain why SHE has a problem with lesbians.

    She seems to be under the impression that liking someone of the same sex doesn't count if you find someone you like of the opposite sex. She says she liked a girl once, good for her. I'm prepared to bet the feelings she had for the girl were stronger than the feelings she gets for any random guy she happens to like. You may well find a guy you really like and date him and be happy, does that mean that if you find a girl who makes you feel that way you should ignore it and keep looking for the man?
     
  4. sldanlm

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    What does she mean by acting like one? Being a tomboy? Having a butch appearance, or acting masculine? There are different types of people that are gay or lesbian or bi or even straight.

    When I came out to my Dad, he said, "But you don't look like a lesbian." And when he was trying to console my Mom, he said something to the effect that it was jusst a phase I was going through, even though I was 22 and only wanted to have sexual relations with girls since I was thirteen. Pretty long phase :slight_smile:

    She thinks lesbian sex is gross? So did my sister. I have a platonic friend who is a lesbian who said the exact same thing my sister did, when she found out I'd had sex with a guy. "Ewww gross" and "how could you do that?"

    Lesbian sex isn't all the same from one couple to another. My partner and I didn't like to do certain things that other lesbian couples we knew liked. Straight couples are the same way.

    As far as being worried about finding someone who'll like you back, I can only tell you I did when I was in school, despite not having come out about my desires. In fact more than one. Sometimes people may share your physical desire but then you find out they're not good for you to be in a exclusive relationship with. Or you might find a person that you adore emotionally but don't desire them sexually, it's normal and okay. You might even find someone that will fulfill you emotionally and physically, like what eventually happened to me.

    I think you gave yourself the best advice in the last sentence of your post.

    Best wishes, and good luck. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Silver Sparrow

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    She is toxic! It is also possible she has a problem with internalized homophobia.
     
  6. Lexington

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    It IS a phase. It lasts roughly your entire life. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  7. Lipstick Leuger

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    There is always one person in your life that will accuse you of being in a phase. Just ignore it.
     
  8. biggayguy

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    It's trite but; "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."
     
  9. edgy

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    and hetero couples don't do gross stuff together? :dry:
     
  10. CthulhuFhtagn

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    So what I'd say is that this friend is probably just coming to terms with it. Give her some time. If she continues to make derogatory remarks about lesbian couples, then I agree with ElliaOtaku: ask her to stop or confront her about why she's being so rude about it. If she continues to ignore that it is making you uncomfortable or she is not sensitive towards your being/feelings, then as much as I hate to say it, you would probably be better of gradually losing contact with her.

    As for your status as questioning, I don't think you need to have been in a relationship/had sex to know what your sexuality is. I mean, I've never dated and yet I'm 100% sure that I'm bisexual. Lots of people would tell me that that's complete bullshit, but whatever. Don't let anyone else tell you who you are, because you are the only one that knows everything about yourself.

    Just remember: you are the most important one here. If you feel uncomfortable, that is WRONG. I hope that everything works out :slight_smile:
     
  11. BiPenguin

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    She wasn't understanding and possibly never will be. You are what you are. That is no phase.
     
  12. SwiftKnight

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    Oh my gosh, Thank you for all the replies and advice! :grin: glad I could seek opinions here at EC since like I have practically zero confidants right now (very sadly)

    I do feel more intimate when I'm with girls. With guys it's just like... Meh?
    I feel like I'm 99% gay and the 1% is for 'I'm young anything can happen'.
    Her(my friend) stereotype lesbians are either those super butchy (short hair, muscular, tattoo, piercing etc) or super feminine (tall, makeup etc) and I don't fit into any hahaha. I don't know how she defines 'acting like a lesbian' so yeah.

    For the 'phase' I'm experiencing now, it has been 7 years which is like one or two years after I hit puberty so hmmmm I guess it's gonna stick for quite a bit. Like what Lexington said, for life.

    As for that friend, I guess everyone has different experiences that leads them to have different opinions of certain issues so I will respect her perspective but stand firm on mine as well. If she cannot accept that, then I guess we are good as mere acquaintances.

    Once again thanks! Hopefully we'll be able to live in a society that's more accepting and kind soon enough.:icon_bigg
     
  13. sammy1

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    If anyone were to say to me my sexuality is 'just a phase' my response would be...'yaaaaaaah.....no, I like boobs and vaginas...not a flat chest and a dick' simple as that! Haha :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    ---------- Post added 5th Nov 2013 at 07:49 AM ----------

    That would probly shut them up