At this point in my life i have it in the back of my mind that i was supposed to be a gay guy. Not a bi girl. I don't have the urge to dress like a guy or be transgender or anything but i can't help shake this feeling of loss. I have beautiful long brown hair that everyone compliments. but i want to cut it all off and have a short spikey cut instead. but my sister and mother think i'm crazy and don't want me to do it. I personally love my hair and would hate to let it go but i know it would make me feel better inside. I don't know why i would be a gay guy (seeing as i'm attracted to girls more than guys at this point) but i guess i want to be more of a butch lesbian. my mom is okay with me being lesbian but she hates butch ones. I don't want to make her disapointed in me but i feel wrong the way i am. i wouldn't want to change to be a man. i like my breasts to much ;-) but i feel like i was supposed to have a males private parts. it makes me wonder who i really am. growing up as a child i was very boyish and hated all girls things. i played with dinsaurs not barbies and dress in big t-shirts and pants, never a dress or a skirt. but as i've grown up i've been a little more femine by wearing make-up and painting my nails. that's about it. i don't really like skirts or dresses still (although i have them but rarely wear them). but i don't know. i wear tight jeans and a t-shirt now. not tight fitting like other girls my age. looser ones (made for girls all the same, but still...) i don't really want to dress like a guy but i feel like my soul is half man half woman. so to make me feel better i guess i would just dress butch(is that the right word even? i don't even know what i'm saying....) i just don't know what to do. i feel like my mother wouldn't understand me. i'd never tell my dad or sister.... what should i do? i just can't keep feeling 'wrong' like i do. this is the first time i've ever told anyone this so be gentle with your replies. i feel like an idoit. like somethings wrong with me. like i think gayness is wrong. i believe it's okay but it's not how god made us to be. i feel bad for being who i am... that's why i draw gay pride signs to show that i am proud when i'm really just trying to convince myself it's ok to be gay. i don't know what to do anymore....
Hi Writergurl. I guess the only thing to say is that it is OK to be YOU. You may not fit the stereotype of what your parents expected - but, if you are a good person, you care for people and what is fair for everyone - well, what is wrong with that? You have to find your own values, your own self, and become comfortable with that. If you can become content with who you are - and happy with yourself - then I guess that is what is most important. It is YOUR life - and you have to live it on your terms. My (personal) viewpoint is that, if you are a decent person - with the right values, who can decry that? Just be true to yourself - and do what you can to make your family appreciate who/what you are and all the positives that go along with that.
