My mind's made up; I really need to come out to mom and dad

I'm turning 23 in December, and I've been slowly coming to terms with my identity since I first started really thinking deeply about gender at 17, when the part of me constantly and silently insisting that I wasn't a girl refused to be ignored. When I was 18, I saw Hedwig and the Angry Inch for the first time, and the character of Yitzhak resonated with me because of the female casting choice. It was the first time I realized than a woman could become a man, and that this whole transgender thing ran two ways - i didn't have to be a woman in a male's body to be trans. It was the first spark in my self discovery. I quickly came to realize why I'd been so seriously asking my boyfriends if they'd still love me if I was a man, something I'd always though to be a weird hypothetical I'd compulsively ask. It became obvious that gender really wasn't binary, something I'd said forever but suppressed in myself for fear of the shame that was sure to follow from my peers, that all the years of saying I was "a girl, kinda" were valid, it wasn't a weird quirk. I started to realise that the reason so many assurances of my physical beauty felt like bullshit had nothing to do with internalized beauty standards I wasn't even conscious of, but a deep sort of dysphoria - i was upset because my chest was too big, after all, and who's beauty standards call for flat-chested women that effectively resemble young men? I learned I could do something about this, and it didn't change everything, but it was a violent awakening to what I wanted, who I was, and who I could be.

And for the past five years, as I've become more comfortable with who I am, my parent's haven't been along for the ride. They're completely in the dark. I'm their daughter, their weird and quirky artist daughter. Their little girl with ribbons in her hair even now, almost 23, that's what they see when they look at me. And I need to smash that image. I need them to see me as I am.

I never feel ok anymore, and it used to be so passive back in high school when I was suppressing everything and cutting myself all the time. But it's getting unbearable. And I don't know how to come out.

It's funny that as comfortable with it all as I am when I'm alone, when it comes to telling them, I get so ashamed.

 

Danke, madame. (*hug*)

---------- Post added 8th Nov 2013 at 10:40 PM ----------

Let's see...

When I was a kid, my mom grew my hair long. When I turned ten I'd cut it all off to my shoulders, and over the years it got progressively shorter. In the past three years, it's never grown past my chin. When I went away for college, I stopped applying makeup and wearing heels. And over the past two years, I've aquired a lot of neutral/guy's clothes. They make up the majority of my wardrobe, and I rarely wear girl's clothes anymore. When I do, they're fairly boyish - flannel button downs, unembellished jeans. I've always worn duller hues and darker washes, so the fact that most of my clothes are pretty dark isn't surprising. I also bind frequently.

I am not a subtle guy.

And this whole not-subtle thing I do got my dad to ask if I was a lesbian. Despite the fact that I had a boyfriend. He was pretty relieved, since he didn't "think it was in his genes, anyway". Way to go, dad. :dry:

I have some trans friends, but I don't know any of them in person. It would be great if I could find other trans individuals in my area to hang out with - I know there's at least 5 in my city, but I'm awkward and bad at friendship, so outside of parties we don't talk really. My parents and I don't really talk much, so it's hard to start a conversation like you suggested with them. It would be really great if I could find a way to open up a conversation on the topic, though. I wish I could gauge their opinions before blindly spilling this pseudo-secret all over the place.

 

That would be something to look for. I haven't seen it myself, but I'm curious about it now, and it might be one way to bring the topic up.

I'm sure I'll figure something out. It's like I said, though, we really don't talk much, so trying to bring ANY subject up is tricky.

 

Oh wow! This is really nice! They all seem so happy and confident, they seem like just normal girls. I don't mean normal as in cis, I mean normal like, they go home at the end of the day, feed the cat, watch some tv. There's no stigma to them, like the sort of image the media often likes to progect about transpeople.