1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

having doubts before comming out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by soulodolo, Nov 8, 2013.

  1. soulodolo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2013
    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    hello everyone. so this month is the most I've ever thought about comming out. I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to doing it but sometimes there's this doubt in the back of my mind. like I know that I am 100% gay. there's no question that I like guys more than girls. it's something that I've fought with my whole life up until 3 years ago. now I accept it and I know I want to be with a guy but whenever I think about comming out I start having doubts about being gay. I start to over analyze things and wonder if maybe I do or ever will like girls. is this normal? has anyone that has come out ever had these doubts even though they knew for sure they were gay? is it just a part of the process? I really want to come out but I don't want to make a mistake and regret it.

    the same thing is also happening to me with my crush. anytime I see or think about him, I feel so good and have no doubt in my mind that I like him. I always think about how amazing it would be to be with him, but whenever I actually think hard about the possibility of him being gay and liking me too I start freaking out and can't picture us being in a relationship even though I know I really really like him.

    what's with all these doubts? just when I think I have things figured out I start questioning all over again.
     
  2. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    In a word: fear, and the stress that goes with it can be paralyzing.

    Seek out the resources here at EC, there are 50 ways to come out, but no one argues that it's better to stay inside...
     
  3. Yossarian

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2013
    Messages:
    1,814
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You can understand that you have a strong attraction to another man, but not be able to envision how that attraction would proceed to a strong relationship that is so different from the one you have with him as a friend. It is new ground for you, with uncertainty about how to uncover his orientation and possible feelings for you. You want him to like you too, but you don't want to be embarrassed if you are reading something which isn't really there, or lose him as a friend. This frustration logically makes you stall and question if your own feelings are authentic to avoid the stress caused by your uncertainty.

    "I feel so good and have no doubt in my mind that I like him. I always think about how amazing it would be to be with him"

    That says it right there; you do have things figured out. You just have no experience in trying to connect with a man. It is not unlike trying to find out if a girl likes you in a hetero situation. Trust your instincts and assume that if you like him, he may be throwing off some subtle signals that he likes you. Try to at least make friends with him and see what develops, and quit worrying about having to put a sticker on your chest that says "I am gay". If he is interested in you, he will certainly respond to a friendly approach, whether you approach him as gay or straight. Get to know him first, and worry about coming out to him later, if necessary. If nothing else, you will get some practice in dealing with the object of a crush, and be more comfortable next time if this relationship isn't in the cards.
     
  4. palimpsest

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2013
    Messages:
    212
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Vermont
    I do not think what you are feeling is at all weird. It is easy to get to second guessing things, and GW is right about fear and anxiety playing havoc. I agree with Y too, I think you do have yourself figured out. Now you are facing the risk. My how I have over played to that in my own process of coming out. I have been my worst enemy, as it were. Always second guessing, not giving my family and closest friends the benefit of the doubt in some situations. They have all surprised me in that they have simply encouraged me and we've moved on.

    So, yes, it can be scary. I think my best advice is to get out of your head. That is probably a closer state to the one that you are in when you are caught up in your crush. Live life as you, and if gay is part of you, run with it. It will get easier once you start, and I think for the majority of us, I would expect you'll feel a huge wave of relief after the fact.
     
  5. kmsshs1004

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2013
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    It's very normal to guess or doubt yourself.I went through it myself when I was questioning my sexuality but I've come to terms with it and I feel amazing. Better than I have in a long time. You know who you are. I agree with the two above me, you know you're gay so go with it:slight_smile: It can be scary at first but once you really finally accept it, it gets a lot better and less scary.
     
  6. Blue90

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2013
    Messages:
    96
    Likes Received:
    25
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I'm in exactly the same situation.
    I know I like girls more than boys for sure. I spend ages working through it in my mind until it all feels clear and right. Then I panic when I think about actually telling someone. What if I'm wrong and it turns out I've gone through the whole coming out process for nothing if it does turn out that I fall for a guy. I know how you feel.
     
  7. soulodolo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2013
    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    thank you everyone for your responses. i really appreciate them.

    greatwhale, fear has definitely got me paralyzed. I am terrified to come out to my friends. i nearly passed out today thinking about telling them tonight. I started breathing heavily and got really dizzy. Thats never happened to me before and i think its because i know that time is coming soon.

    Yossarian, I think you are right. I know i like him a lot and I really want him to know how i feel but i don't want to look like an idiot if he doesn't feel the same way. so many times i wanted to just tell him but I'm glad i didn't. we barely knew each other then, so it would have been kinda awkward. Instead, I took your approach and have gone from just being that guy who says hi to him when i walk by to offering him rides home and asking for his number. I know it sounds dumb but I'm actually really proud of myself. I never thought I would have the balls to do any of that and i have definitely gained a lot of confidence for a next time. Its just so frustrating trying to figure him out. I mean, there is nothing about him that screams gay but its the little things that i wonder about. I try so hard to show that I like him without being too obvious and he hasn't backed away yet. When i asked him for his number, I asked if he wanted to hangout sometime and he said yes. and the other day when i offered him a ride home he had the biggest smile on his face. so i know he doesn't hate me lol. he also told me randomly the other day that he doesn't have a girlfriend. I just don't want to make too much of this just to be let down. I'm going to continue getting to know him though and hopefully something will happen.

    Palimpsest, I know i should get out of my head but it is so hard for me to do that because thats where I've been for soo long now. From trying to figure out my sexuality, to finding a way tell everyone, and now always having my crush on my mind. All i do is think and i have no one else to share these thoughts with. even when I'm out with my friends i just kinda zone out and end up having no fun at all. thats why I'm always home if I'm not at work and until i come out thats how its going to be. I don't want it to be that way but if i can't be me than i don't want to be at all.

    kmsshs, its good to know that I'm not the only one whose felt this way. i only hope i feel as good as you do when i can finally be myself.

    blue90, I'm glad I'm not alone. i hope we can both get through this and i wish you the best of luck.

    thanks again
     
  8. sandrew255

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2013
    Messages:
    58
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    It's a while since you posted, and I'm new, so maybe by now you don't need more responses, but if you want to talk to a Brit who came out ages ago, but still has some uncertainties, then please reply.
    The replies above are right, though - hiding is not the way forward. But I would say do it for you. Coming out doesn't have to involve having a rainbow tattood on your forehead. Just because you date a guy, doesn't mean you can't date a girl in the future, but if you don't do it, I can promise you, you will regret it! Good luck