Relationship Issues.

You may need to nudge him into doing things without you. In short, start making plans that don't involve him. Don't ignore him completely, of course, but if you can say "Well, today and tomorrow, I'm really gonna be busy, but we can get together on Thursday." That should start putting some limits on your time together.

Lex

 

It definitely sounds like there's a lack of balance in your relationship. And what's a little odd is that it is the 18 yo that is 'clingy' and not the 14 yo. I would have thought that it would normally be the other way around... just based on maturity and relationship experience.

You need to be honest. It's tough, but it's the best thing for any relationship. You need to be clear that you don't want to stand in the way of him going to college because you can't - at the age of 14 - be sure that this relationship is going to be forever. You also need to be honest in telling him that you'd like to be able to spend time with other friends and not necessarily see him every day.

Finally, you need to be clear that it's not OK for him to tell your mom anything.

You need to speak up and say that it's NOT ok for him to spend weekends with you if you don't want him to. I worry that you're being taken advantage of, perhaps becuase his family is 'crazy' and he'd rather be somewhere else.

And I hear you when you say that 'you love him' - but after a month, and when he's already bugging you and smothering you, you have to accept that perhaps this isn't really a relationship that you want to consider continuing...

 

When I first glanced at your message, and I just saw this above part, and I'm like... oh, someone's just a little too into having a relationship. But once I read the rest... yikers!

Anyway, you just have to tell him as kindly as possible that you need some "alone" time. Or "me" time. Or just some time to be a healthy individual, because honestly if you are in a relationship where you both cannot handle not being with the other, that is not healthy... healthy relationships involve two people who have their own lives, even their own interests and friends and activities. It's also a safer relationship, ultimately, because if something every happens to the other person, you do not find yourself missing half your life. I mean it still feels like you're missing half of yourself, but if you have your own developed life, it's much easier to rebound from a break-up or unexpected death.

You could probably couch it in terms of when you see him every minute of every day, it makes things less special and wouldn't it be nice to have some anticipation of seeing one another, and a chance to miss hanging out together?

Okay, that's just plain-ass wrong of him. I can understand him wanting people to know, and there is a certain amount of validity to a relationship when the important people in your significant other's life know about it and it is celebrated as a cool thing, but you are 14 and if you don't want to tell your mother, what YOU want should be totally and completely paramount.

On top of that, if I know anything about Arkansas, he'd be potentially opening himself up to statutory rape charges, so you might want to work that into your conversation, given he's technically an adult (although he's really not acting much like one, to be honest) and you're 14. But I would tell him if he doesn't respect you enough to respect your choice not to tell your mum, what does that say about how much he values your relationship?

Yeah, the pattern of what you're describing makes him sound AWFULLY over-dependent, which I'm sure must be weird for you given that when you're 14 and the other person's 18, he's supposed to be the mature one. It sounds like he's really a little overworked up about how wonderful your relationship is... is it his first? It totally sounds from what you've said that this is his first real relationship and he's making all the classic over-clingy mistakes that people tend to make when first embarking on the relationship roller-coaster.

I would tell him you are sure he will end up resenting you if he actually turns down his aunt's incredibly generous offer and you couldn't stand it if he resented you. Then cry a few tears and make your eyes go really wide. If you can quiver your lip a bit, that would be perfect.

No, I'm SERIOUS! He's obviously a little oblivious to reality when it comes to your guys' relationship so you have work with where he's at, and he sounds like where he's at is that he's so in love with you and so enamoured with your relationship that he's not thinking clearly. If you put yourself in his shoes, your relationship is supreme, so you have to explain things in a manner where he realises he's threatening his relationship with you by being so wrapped up in it.

That being said, him threatening to tell your mother about your relationship is really beyond the pale, so I would try to stress that by doing so, he's endangering your relationship (and his freedom, honestly... I can't believe someone would be that stupid!).

 

when i first read this i too was thinking about how he could face statutory rape charges. which i was watching this show and there actually was a couple in which there was a age difference-2yrs but any way he was 19 and she was 17 so wen they did "IT" and got caught he became a licensed sex offender and so he can't go anywhere without the neibors knowing so of corse he got ridiquelled, but as soon as she turned 18 there was a wedding...YaY... but not YaY because he was still a sex offender even though they had been dating for 3 months. i just wanted to warn you wat he's up against. i may be best if you guys keep it VERY PG. but if you guys do get to home plate make sure NOBODY knows for both your good. but with the other question i think Joey has the BEST answers.

 

I think you need to sit down and have a proper chat. Tell him about your issues. Tell him that you need some time to do your own thing every once in a while. Tell him that you are both still young and you don't want to stop him living his life.

I can't believe he said that he is going to tell your mother when you are away. If he had the same care and love for you he wouldn't even say that to you. Ask him how he would feel if you told his parents.

 

It sounds like there is a lot of the other complicated stuff that comes along with this relationship.

Am I reading too much into this or does OP wish that the boyfriend would take the Alaska opportunity so that it ends it?

 

I second the notion.

Lex

 

yes, i got a tip for you

if u feel relationship clusterphobic DON'T HIDE IT FROM UR BF. soon, he will feel ur vibe and it's going to cause problems. don't let it lead to that.

so far he sounds like a really nice guy and he sounds like he is in love with u but u should not be seeing someone ur with like everyday. I mean space is essential and the least amount of time u guys see each other per week the more u yearn for that individual.
and u are right. when u said going on vacation will remind u how much u love him; IT WILL.

what u need to do is tell him ur a very busy person and u need ur space. Tell him, u only need to see him 2wice per week and telephone calls won't hurt...atleast not when they r long. :lol: tell him, but most importantly don't give him reason to beleive u don't like him. Infact don't stop stressing how much u love him and give him factors to want u while ur away... i mean he really sounds like a nice guy.

remember don't wait too long.

Alex.

 

I think you maybe are. I think it's possible to want someone to take a really great opportunity even if it means you won't be able to be with them anymore and not have that be an indication you don't want to be with them. In fact, if you "really loved them" in the traditional sense then you'd want nothing but good things for them, even if that precluded the ability to date you. I doubt it's a cut-and-dried kind of thing.

 

i think you need to be really firm with him.

tell him the truth. bluntly.

sorry if thats a bit harsh - it sounds like the relationship needs a bit of tough love

 

Do you smell that? Yeah, it's codependency.

Presuming you want this relationship to continue, you need to make it clear that you need some distance. And don't be overly nice about it, either. Be blunt and concise, without being rude.

Secondly, you need to make it VERY clear that your mother can't know. Not only would that put the relationship in jeopardy, but, as others have said, your boyfriend may be charged with statutory rape if a law enforcement figure found out.

And finally, if there's still time available for him to take his aunt's offer, and you believe it's best for him (and, perhaps, for you), talk to him about it. Of course, it's his decision, but talk to him with his best interest in mind.

 

I'm sorry if i have been to clingy. I'm sorry if i'm being stupid in wanting to tell your mother. i wish you could have told me these things and that i wouldn't have found out this way. now i feel like the one who can not breath.

Thank you all for giving him advice.

~Trey

 

:O

Was not expecting that.