concerned sister

Well, actually, you sound like my sister did. She had an idea but never asked, as she thought I would take offense.

Personally, I would suggest you ask to talk to him privately, and tell him you mean no offense, and you'll love him either way, but just ask him if he's gay, as you're worried about him. When I was in the closet, I wanted my sisters to ask me, but they never did, I'm unaware of other guys, but I know I was hoping one of my sisters would ask, just so I have a family member I could talk to.

However, what makes you think he is gay? As if there is no real basis other then he isn't dating girls, then that wouldn't be the best assumption from that ^^;

 

I think you should make it known to him that you can be a resource and that you are supportive, but you shouldn't ask him directly. Maybe he isn't ready to come out yet. However, knowing that his sister would be supportive if he did come out can be reassuring.

 

I think your only responsibility to him is to let him know you're always there for him no matter what. For someone still in the closet, it's like automatic defense mode turns on when someone asks you if you're gay -- at least that's how it was for me, I shouldn't vouch for anyone else :icon_bigg

I guess there are ways you could go about letting him know you have an unconditional love for him while also hinting that you're suspicious -- but I think that's a bit beside the point and more to your liking, and not necessarily his =P

It's hard to see someone struggling like that, but it's also difficult to judge whether or not it's in his best interest. There were definitely stages in my own acceptance where despite me knowing that I liked men, I would not have admitted it to anyone. No one ever asked me, but I've asked others in the same light you're seeing your brother, and the outcome was not good because that person was simply not ready for that info "to be out there."

You know your brother better than any of us -- but in general terms from my own experience, keep injecting the notion that you love him no matter what and that he can come to you with his problems if there is something he's struggling with.

 

I agree with this viewpoint.

cori31, you didn't mention whether you had gay friends or whether you were familiar with the coming out process. Coming out is something that people have to do on their own schedule. It takes a while for a gay person to accept being gay and it sometimes takes even longer to be able to tell other people. You shouldn't rush your brother or confront him directly about being gay but it is appropriate for you to let him know that you are there for him when (and if) he needs your support.

One other thing- before you do this, be sure that you are ready to take this on- particularly if he asks that you not tell other members of the family.

 

Yeah it's difficult to watch someone you care for struggle like that. I've found that the only real way to relieve that stress for yourself is to express how you feel to them in a supportive but unassuming way. After all, it's his struggle and you don't want to try and define him before he has the chance to define himself, you know? He might be bisexual..? Just things to consider, I guess.

I've never been close with my family, so it has always been difficult for me to talk to them no matter what the issue, but the more I do it the easier it gets. Maybe you could get a feel for what he might say or do, considering the kind of guy he is, and what type of brother-sister relationship you have with him.

:icon_bigg

 

Ooooo. I suppose that changes things a bit, but the same core message that you would both benefit from is still the same. You love him no matter what and you are there for him.

He just showed up out of the blue? You could give him a call out of the blue and tell him you love him and you're there for him, leave him a message, anything really. If you have grounds to be outright concerned with him showing up in bad shape, bring that up. If he looked like he was hurting, tell him how it makes you concerned. Just keep being there for him.

 

I was actually hoping you were my sister at first. It would make it so much easier instead of having to tell her if she would just ask. However, I'm not a director/ screenwriter. But, I really do think you should ask him, because if he is, it would be so much less stressful for him, and make his coming out much easier. BTW, you seem like a great person, and a great sister. I really hope my sister will be as supporting as you.

 

If your brother were younger, I would say tread carefully since he may not be ready to come out and may be very touchy.

However, since he's older and he might've been in a relationship, you might want to be a bit more direct. Not like, "Are you gay?", but just tell him you'll support him unconditionally and test the waters. It's pride month, so it's not hard to bring something gay up, whether it's in the newspaper or news.

You sound like an awesome sister! I wish there were more people like you.

Oh, and welcome to EC! I don't know if you'll stick around, but thanks for dropping by.

 

cori31:

This latest set of information changes the picture. Since this site is primarily for younger gay men and lesbians, at first it sounded like your brother was a younger man. Based upon this information, I would say your brother is probably an out gay man in his personal and professional life but has never come out to his family.

The two of you should go for a walk, a day at the beach, a picnic- some place where you can talk in private. Tell him that you care about him and you want to understand more about what is going on with him and that you want to be a part of his life. If he wants to open up and talk about it, he will. If he doesn't, you can only let him know that you will be ready to listen when he's ready to talk.

 

I disagree with the people who say don't ask. I say always ask, in a kind and supportive way. If you are at the point where you are considering whether to ask, that seems like enough reason to clarify things. It's not the kind of question someone asks casually so the fact you are considering it likely means it's worth posing.

We have got to get to the point in society where asking someone about their potentially non-heterosexual sexuality is not the biggest insult or invasion of privacy ever, because it shouldn't be. It should be just a normal question that elicits a normal yes or no. And we won't get there if people keep tip-toeing around it like it's the most awful secret in the world.

When I was younger I might not have admitted I was gay but by the time I came out (at nearly 20) I wished desperately that someone had, at some point, approached me and asked me because then it might have forced me to confront the possiblity, at least, that I was. But everyone thought it was best for me to figure it out myself, I guess, which I understand but still resent to this day. It's basically a tacit approval of someone's self-denial. The very first time someone actually asked me point blank, seriously, if I were gay, I had to face facts and own up to it.

If asking someone if they're gay is considered bad, what kind of message does that send to everyone about actually being gay?

Of course, in your situation, cori31, you could just say something slightly less direct like, "You know I love you no matter what, whether you're a Republican, gay, vegetarian..." :lol:

 

I too must admit that cori31 sounds like my sister - save that I am out to her, and I don't write for television whatnot.

Even though I agree with KaraBulut that this seems more like a situation of leading two lives (certainly quite stressful) and simply hasn't told the family, a more direct approach/confrontation may be needed to help get proverbial ball rolling. It certainly was just the thing I needed to come out to myself ...

I would suggest that, unless there is imminent danger, the first thing you do is do your homework on the matter. Fortunately it doesn't take that long to get a pretty good idea of what you need so you can, if needed, talk turkey with your brother [in other words, that not only will you have a theoretical understanding of the situation, but you may understand some of the jargon he may use - pronoun game and fag-hags ftw). After that it gets a bit ambiguous how about this:

In a relatively short time interval (say a week)
1. Start expressing unconditional love and support in a manner (wording) that you never have before. Try to make that subtly include if he were gay or bi. New wording can raise eyebrows for those who have eyebrows to raise.
2. Start using some of that gender-neutral language when talking about future relationships of his. (suspicions raise again)
3. In an appropriate moment when the two of you are alone you could ask him about it. Should he say 'no' don't push the matter but make sure to indicate that if he ever finds out otherwise later on (ie he comes out to himself/decides to come out to family) that you would still be okay with it, and that he would not need to feel bad for giving an inaccurate answer before.
4. Wait for his response and go from there.

Best of luck - and, because this simply hasn't been said enough - you sound like an awesome sister. Hourray!

 

In reading my last post then reading Nitro's and Joey's, I realized that it may not have been clear that I am also recommending that you ask your brother. What changed my advice was his age and the new information that he was depressed.

It might be a generational thing but many siblings don't discuss their sex lives with each other. That's why I had recommended an approach that opens the door for him to to come out but doesn't try to push him through the door before he's ready. You know your relationship with your brother better than we do and you would know the best approach- subtle or direct- to use.

In the meantime, are there any questions about coming out or being gay that we can answer for you? We're a pretty diverse group- not at all like the stereotypes by which we are portrayed.

 

I'm in agreement with karaBulut. He kind of sounds like the only people he hasn't came out to is his family. Are your parents religious or homophobic at all? I think I would just let him know privately in no uncertain terms that you love him with all your heart and soul and nothing is EVER going to change that and he can tell you anything! He'll get the hint and hopefully be able to say it. You might even broach the subject by bringing up how great you think it is that gays can get married in California now or something like that. Bring up the topic in a way that is not directly related.

 

One Question:"Depressed,anxiety,night sweats, etc....". What about drugs?.Addiction? Just another thought.