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Ugh... What a mess.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Wat, Nov 9, 2013.

  1. Wat

    Wat
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    Sorry in advance for the wall of text.

    Alrighty, so here's my situation. I'd been flip-flopping between gay and bisexual for the past month after having been convinced I was bi (though MUCH more toward gay - about 80/20 split) for the longest time. I've decided that to hell with it, I'm just going to go with labeling myself as gay, especially since in hindsight, I don't really think I was at all attracted to females, but was trying to convince myself so as a sort-of half denial stage. I've never really had a problem with or questioned being LGBT, but perhaps subconsciously needed the cushion of bisexuality to feel more comfortable.
    Anyway, I've decided I'd like to come out, sort of. I say sort of because I'm not entirely in the closet. If someone asks, I usually tell them, but I'm never the one to bring it up on my own. Almost never, at least. Also, I usually sort-of sidestepped the question because people asked if I was gay, which I said no to. I didn't confirm being bi unless they asked that, though that was hardly ever asked, so it ended at that.
    Here's where it gets a little more tricky. I've been more open and nonchalant about being gay around newer people I meet at school (I transferred from another university, though that's pretty irrelevant) than those I've known for years already. So open, in fact, that I often forget I'm not technically out. On my facebook, I have it publicly listed as being male into men, and I often post about LGBT-related issues, but never specifically bring up my sexuality, and no one's asked.
    I'd like to just come out and get it over with, because I'm sick of being rather ambiguous about it, but I'm also conflicted because I don't really care that much about my sexuality. Granted, I've been thinking about it a lot lately under the circumstances, but it really isn't a major part of my life. Back when I was bi, I still never really mentioned my romantic/sexual life to anyone or made a big deal about it because it never seemed that big a deal.
    I figure I'd like to come out to my parents first, then probably just drop an announcement to anyone else via facebook, and continue on my normal thing of just telling people as it comes up after that. However, I'd like to come out with a more casual, nonchalant method rather than the usual "write a long, sentimental monologue and get all mushy about it" path. I'm pretty cool with it, don't want to make a fuss or draw a ton of attention to myself, and definitely would rather avoid the teary sentiments. I plan on talking to my parents this Thanksgiving break, so I'm going to need to formulate my plan soon, and figured I'd just casually drop a hint or something (but a lot more obvious) later on facebook after that. I'm not at all frightened to come out; I'd come out right this minute if I was around my parents and had the first clue as to how I'll go about doing it. Everyone I know is either completely okay with gay people as far as I've seen (I even have other gay relatives anyway, so it won't be anything new, family-wise) or are people who I wouldn't mind if they cut me off anyway for other reasons. Everything is working in my favour except my coming out strategy, or lack thereof.
    Does anyone have a suggestion for a casual method of getting this done quickly and painlessly? Especially if there's one that I can gracefully do it without making it a milestone. I don't at all doubt that quite a few already know and I really don't want to turn this into a feelings fest. As soon as someone starts getting teary-eyed and making a spectacle, I'm likely to back away because otherwise I might hurt someone's feelings by being too aloof and indifferent while they're experiencing and expressing genuine, valid emotions while I'm just meh. (What can I say, being unfeeling is a well-known characteristic of mine) I'd really appreciate it.

    Thanks so much, and again, sorry about all the text and potential spelling/grammatical errors. Stream-of-consciousness writing is always a bit tricky.
     
  2. English Frenchman

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    Stream of consciousness writing is usually tricky to get spelling down. If it weren’t for autocorrect, a fair few of my messages would be incomprehensible.
    But I digress. Back to you.
    One could imagine, if your parents are so accepting, as you described them, then in all eventuality, telling them won’t be a feels fest. You could do it like a band-aid, in one motion just say “I’m gay. Can you pass me the cranberry sauce?”. Of course, this is a bit harsh and might just get the table silent.
    You could wear a Pride bracelet or necklace and when they comment on it just say it. I feel this is the best way to do it, because it comes with the notion you’re already part of the LGBT community.
    Or, the big show stopper. Come with a boyfriend to Thanksgiving. ( I kid, but it is a valid option)
    Otherwise, all I can say is drop hints all along a conversation with them, and at one point they’ll just ask and all you have to do is nod your head.
     
  3. Yossarian

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    You might want to send them a letter or email, however you normally communicate with them, and casually mention in it that you have joined a LGBT group at school since you have realized that you are gay, and that if they want to talk about that when you come home for Thanksgiving, you will have some time to discuss it with them, but you are busy studying for some exams right now. That way, they get some time to talk about it between themselves before you get there, and prepare anything they want to say to you, as well as accept the fact that you have given them. I think that that is better than a "Guess who's coming to dinner?" announcement on the day you arrive for vacation, giving them no time to accommodate themselves to the idea before you arrive. It will probably also make for a better vacation for you, without the stress of having to make the Big Announcement, during a very short vacation visit.
     
  4. Skyline

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    I recommend you say something like this, "Hey, I just wanted to let you all know, I'm gay. It's just something that as been on my mind because I've never really just said it, so I'm just laying it out there."

    It'll be short and sweet, without drama yet still landing it carefully.
     
  5. Wat

    Wat
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    Thanks, all.

    As enticing as it sounds to bring an unexpected guest to the table, haha, I'm unfortunately flying solo at the moment. I do really like the idea of just taking the direct approach and keeping it short and sweet. I suppose now, I just have to find a more opportune time when I get the chance (and I know that there isn't really any particular time better than any others, but I mainly just mean whenever they're both in the same room so I don't have to corral them into one area or have to repeat myself).