Today, my parents and I were out to lunch after church, and my mom leans over and asks me, "What do you think of [insert name of girl who goes to church with us]?" Being one who doesn't like to lie, I had to look her dead in the eye and say, "I'm not interested." She continues to go on about how she seemed to be flirting with me, and how I tend to miss those signals. I tell my mom that I'm not missing them, I'm ignoring them. Then, my dad decides to chime in and asks, "Why do you ignore them?" And again I reply, "Because, I'm not interested." To which he responds, "In her specifically, or in general?" I didn't have the guts to answer that one out loud. I just shrugged and blew it off. I really wish I could tell them the truth that I'm gay, but they would freak! My problem is, though, if I can't tell them and conversations like that keep happening, what can I do? I know I can't avoid it forever, but I need to get my life better sorted before I tell them. Any advice?
Hi there! While it might become somewhat frustrating in the short term, it seems that you have a good reason for not wanting to mention anything to them yet. Saying that you "need to get [your] life better sorted" first, is a good indication that you don't want them to know, and that your are not ready for it, just yet. What might help is to think about the reasons as to why you feel you need to get your life better sorted before letting them know and start working on getting things sorted out. In the meantime, build up your support network. You don't mention if you are already out to a couple of a few friends, but if you are not, maybe try coming out to them first. If you are out to your friends, try expanding your support network.
Glalie, Well it sounds like the cat is pretty much outta the bag for you. They are at least strongly suspicous that you might be gay, if they don't know it as a fact. Well theres so many what-ifs to your situation, its really hard to give you some easy cut and dried advice without more info. Like are you dependent on them for housing or school and would they cut you off if you told them? For that matter, it sounds like they've both had a conversation between the two of them about you being gay, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they've accepted you, they could be questioning and in denial. But lets cut right to the heart of the matter. Whether or not they accept you as gay, you aren't ready to tell them. So get ready... Be comfortable with yourself first. I see you're 22, so you're out of high school and old enough to begin to live for yourself and realize that life doesn't revolve around if your parents are proud of you or what the kids at school think of you. Any self loathing/hatred you might be feeling comes from not feeling like you can live up to someone else's idea of who you ought to be. Parents, friends, classmates, society, clergy...you can finally begin to shed their opinions and make a great life for yourself by living up to YOUR OWN expectations of being the person you want to be. Good lord, especially the church, don't let ANYONE presume to tell you how God feels about you. You have a heart, you have a conscience, that's all you need to know how God really feels about you. Once you are comfortable with yourself, and before you tell your parents, it would be helpful to have a support system in place. EC is a good place to start. Do you have any real life friends who might be receptive? Any gay friends? A best friend? Come out to someone if feel you can trust them. If you can, and you think they'd help, find a local school or community group. Do you have siblings? Other relatives? Build yourself a little support network, so if anything hits the fan, you are emotionally ready to deal with it, and not alone. Put a little money away, even if its just a couple hundred bucks. I'm sure other people reading this can add a much more complete list than I can. Main thing is get ready, so when the time comes, you can handle it. It may take a while, could be day, weeks, months or even years. Everybody gets things figured out at their pace. You have yours. Maybe you can write more to us on this issue. GOOD LUCK.
Don't rush ingot telling them. Sometimes those kinds of conversations are needed so parents can slowly relies your gay. Maybe try to give some hints but be carful. I can out and even brought a date home one time and still my father is convinced that sooner or later I'll meet the right guy. Sometimes they just will never get it. Least he still tells me he loves me and is proud of me.
Thank you all for your advice! I guess I can add a bit more detail about my situation. I still live with my parents and am dependent on them for food and shelter. I recently graduated college and am still looking for full time employment. In the mean time, I substitute teach to make a little money. I really want to have a better job and at least the ability to move out on a moments notice, if not already be moved out, before I tell them. I know it sounds like they know, but I honestly think they don't. If my dad had any clue that I was gay, he would be straightforward about it and ask me. He would also probably throw me out on my ass as soon as he found out. On several occasions he, after seeing gay affirming tv episodes or the like, has told me it's not ok to be gay. Given my history as the kid who always does the right thing, their first thought would probably be that I just don't want to be married, before thinking I'm gay. In the past, they've disowned other family members for not doing the "proper Christian thing" and I don't believe I'm any exception to their rule. Luckily for me, I do have a few friends from college who know and are very supportive! In fact, one of them has had her own same-sex experiences before, so I knew I could trust them. That's about it, in a nutshell. The time isn't right, but I hope to tell them eventually. Thanks for the advice so far, and any more is greatly appreciated.
Glalie, I went through all of what you are describing and am on the other side now (about 1.5yrs). I was the kid who always did the right thing. Moved back to my very Christian home after college. I had already given up trying to be with women by that point and was just convinced I would be alone. My parents always made it known that being gay was not okay. They always (along with the rest of my family) tried to push me at various girls. Weddings were the worst. (She seems nice, why don't you ask her to dance?) (Your wedding is going to be next right?), (She's cute, you should ask her to get a cup of coffee), (I think you two would make a great couple). Ugh, I hated that, I wanted to crawl under a rock. Well, with the way the world was changing. When I finally did tell, nobody cared. It took some time to absorb and process. But the main thing was they were never going to let anything come between us. It actually never turned out to be the huge relationship altering experience I was expecting. The time has to be right, so no rush for you. No need to fill yourself with anxiety. My parents were Evangelical Christian and I was armed with reading material from other gay affirming Christians which helped a lot. Let me know if you want to find out what they were. I'm now also out to my brothers and best friend and it was a non-issue.
I'm out to my parents, even though before I was out they mentioned that they would disown any of their children who were gay, etc etc. It took some time for them to come to terms with it but ultimately they said that they want me to be happy. It's still a little awkward but it was much better than I expected. So I think that you might have a better coming out experience than you expect. Even if you don't, you've already graduated from college.
The only thing, though, is you don't want to forcibly come out or accidentally come out to them. It is absolutely the worst feeling. My parents kept making comments that signalled to me that they probably know about my sexual orientation but I didn't actually come out to them and confirm their suspicions. Eventually, my mom just plain out asked me if I am gay. It's not how i wanted it (because I was actually in the process of planning how to tell them) and I regret it 100%. I wish I told them earlier so I wouldn't have had them find out like that. If your parents keep saying things like that, they might ask soon before you tell them
Hey Glalie, I found your post while doing a google search for "christian parents" on empty closets. I'm pretty much in the same boat. I am going to graduate from college in May and live at home with my parents while commuting to school. My parents are conservative Christians, and my whole family is pretty much anti-gay, some much more than others. I have spent the last couple of months studying, reading, and studying more about how to respond to anti-gay theology. I refuse to give up my faith because of who I am, and the campus chaplain has helped me sort out reconciling my faith with my sexuality. I'm planning on coming out to my parents this week, and I'm absolutely terrified... for the same reasons you give, fear of them kicking me out, etc... but I have to do this because I want to be honest with them and everyone else. I've written a script for what I'm going to say.. my plan is to read it word for word and not look up until I'm done. Thankfully I have supportive friends and a contingency plan in case the worst happens. This is a painful journey, especially when trying to reconcile faith and sexuality. But people keep telling me "It Gets Better." I don't have any good experience or advice, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.
Glalie, If your parents ask you specifically whether you are gay or not, all you have to say is "I am broke, looking for work, and don't have the time or money to have a full time relationship with anyone right now even if I wanted to, which I don't, no matter how attractive they seem to you; my situation is embarrassing to me. After I get a full-time job and am able to take care of myself and get my own place, where I can bring a date home without having to share them with my parents, I will start dating again, so please don't try to do any matchmaking for me right now. If I find anyone I really care about then I will let you know". You haven't lied to them, all you have done is defer the answering of the question they haven't asked yet to a time when you will be in a stronger position to come out if you want to.
I hope you're right. It's a hard thing to do reconciling the faith you've been taught all your life with newfound, conflicting feelings. It took me 9 years to be able to confess to myself that I was gay because of it! Let me know how coming out to your parents goes (and I hope it goes well!) (*hug*) That's exactly what I plan on doing/have been doing. I honestly don't think coming out to them while I'm living with them would go well, so I'm gonna wait until I don't live with them. Once I'm out of the house they won't be able to be defensive about the fact that they support me.
I also grew up in a very Christian home. My parents will never speak to me again if I come out is what I thought. That didn't happen. They both told me that they still love me even though mom doesn't agree with the gay lifestyle. Dad said it was my life. He didn't have a problem with it. Mom just prayed for God's will in my life. Whatever that means.
