Growing up, I only notionally understood what it meant to come out. My awareness of it was largely informed by jokes on TV and a few things I'd read about it. I didn't appreciate what it meant to expose yourself, your true self, in what could otherwise be an unsafe space. I was never dismissive of the idea, but neither was I respectful of incredible courage it takes to do something like it. And now I'm facing the prospect of coming out myself. It feels suffocating to realize that you've been living a lie all along and you hardly even know your true self. After all, coming out isn't simply about making a declaration, it can be about letting yourself be the very same thing that you’ve always told yourself it was unsafe to be. How do I even begin to perform a me that I've never met before? Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to keep facing the cave ignorant of the truth. I well up thinking about others similarly caught in their inauthentic selves and the incredible pressure there is to stay there. Pressure from ourselves, from others, from culture, expectations, etc. I want to do it but coming out seems crazy, too risky, almost like an existential threat. A threat I've only known to flee from or camouflage from. I keep imagining the caption when I try would read "Am I doing it right guyz?" I wouldn't have entertained the idea before, but is this what it means to be a coward? I’m afraid I won’t do it and I'll wake up years from now and still wouldn't have done it. And I’m not one to live a life of regrets. It isn’t one worth living. The status quo isn’t worth living. For anyone else who has done it, whether it was easy or hard in the end, I’d like to just give you a hug for doing it. For taking that one step, because I don’t even know how to begin to be compassionate to the real me that's curled up inside.
Hi there, and welcome to Empty Closets. Your fears ring true for most, who were or still are in the closet. Overcoming the fear of opening the door and being able to say "this is me, and I am okay with it," is a process, which is marked by your own levels of 'what feels right for you' at different times during that process. The fears, are of course real fears, but these fears will lessen as you start accepting yourself, making the unsafe, safe. It doesn't matter how you come to define your sexual orientation and gender identity; it doesn't matter which label will help you to describe one, or both. All that matters is that you can be authentic, first and foremost with yourself, and be okay with it. In many respects, it isn't so much about lying, but rather it is about what are you willing to share about yourself. It is okay if you say that you are not comfortable sharing certain things about yourself at this point. Sure, you will say things, and perhaps even act on them at times, to hide your true self. But there will a time come, where you will begin to bring down the wall (which provides cover, and some security), brick by brick. No one will pass judgement as to whether you are doing things in the right or wrong way. (*hug*)
