I feel like I'm just stuck in the closet, and I can't even see a way out. Ive know i like guys since i was in highschool but i could never face that fact. I couldn't see myself dating a guy or being in a relationship with one, but anytime i would watch porn or masturbate it was to gay porn or fantasies of being with another guy... I just kept telling myself I wasn't gay and I'd find a girl eventually. This is how I dealt with my feelings all through highschool and some of college. During college i started realizing I'm gay and since then I've been trying to accept that. The only problem is I'm always second guessing myself, I'll feel fine for weeks then all of a sudden ill change my mind and try and reason with myself, no your not gay, life would be so much easier with a girlfriend, wife etc. even though I know I don't want a girlfriend, I feel I've just been so focused on acting straight my whole life so people won't suspect me of being gay, and now that I am finally trying be true to myself it just feels weird(if that makes any sense). I'm 23 and have never had a real relationship, I just feel like I'm behind everyone else. I mean I have friends who have been together for several years, other friends who are married with kids and here I am still in the closet and afraid of telling my friends I'm gay None of my friends know I'm gay and I can't image how I'd come out to them. There not homophobic or anything, but all my friends are guys and I just am afraid they'll look at me differnently if they knew I was gay, like they would want to hang out with a gay guy(I feel stupid for thinking this because their my friends but at the same time I can't help it). I have come out to one person, my mom. About a year ago I told her but since then we haven't really talked about it. I don't really know what there is to talk about though since right now I don't want anyone else to know, including my brother. I just feel like coming out to my mom didn't really change a lot, things just feel the same other than I know she knows. I don't know how to move forward, how to feel more confident I'm myself, how to take that step and tell my best friend. I really just need some advice from other guys who have been in the closet forever and finally found their way out. Sooner or later this rooms gonna run out of air.
Hi there! Recognize that everybody has their own timing for coming out, and beginning to live life the way it is meant to be. Maybe what would help is not trying to box yourself in with labels, including 'straight acting.' I think the important thing here is that you are yourself, in every way and try to build some self-confidence. Of course, as long as you try to hide it all, you are not allowing yourself to really explore the real you. Self-acceptance will go along way in building that self-confidence. How do you feel when you look at yourself in a mirror, and say out loud, "I'm gay"? If your friends are not homophobic, you should be fine in coming out to them. There is this common fear that when we come out to friends that they will start looking at us differently, and begin re-evaluating our friendships, when nothing could be further from the truth. Most of my guy friends are straight and I never encountered a scenario of where they didn't want to hang out with me because I'm gay. I actually had straight guy friends helping with me with going to the gay bar. Try not to get hung up on the 'what ifs' because doing so, will make it harder to start becoming comfortable with yourself, and starting to come out to your friends. Take it one friend at a time, and with each acceptance you receive, your self-confidence will increase as well. Having come out to your mom, is a good start, and maybe try to think about why you came out to her. (*hug*)
Brightsky, So you want some advice from other guys who've been in the closet forever. How about 29? Thats how old I was before I came out. And I can definitely identify with a lot of the feelings you're having. It took me a VERY long time to even admit to myself I was gay (around 20-21), I lied to myself, very convincingly. I told myself I wasn't gay, couldn't be, it was a phase, it'd go away, maybe if I prayed. Somehow, I would find a way to like girls. This just can't be happening to me. Whats wrong with me? What did I do to deserve this? No matter how hard I tried, girls just didn't work for me. It took me a long time to realize there was nothing wrong with me, that I fine just the way I am. Another problem was male intimacy, I strongly identify myself as a male, I enjoy being a male, but I'd been raised and taught by a straight, heterosexual family/friends/society so the idea of being intimate and affectionate with another man felt strange as well. In time though, that faded, things will change and it will finally begin to feel like you fit somehow. Because girls, they just don't do it for me. I tried, prayed, begged for years and years for that to change, but it never did. And after a very long time, a lot of depression and hating myself for being gay, I began to realize that those were all outside influences causing me to feel that way. If I paid attention to myself, I was just fine, and once I began to stop living up to other people's expectations of who they thought I ought to be and started living for myself...I was much happier. So what made me finally come out? Well it was several things really. First I was deep into a major bout of depression. I was tired of hiding who I was. I was literally to the point where I wanted to die if I had to stay in the closet. I couldn't do it anymore. I had become a master liar, and I was too good at it. Nobody had a friggin clue I was gay. And god I was miserable because of that. But I suppose the one thing that tipped it for me was my friends. I'm friends with large group of guys/people. We've been friends for many years. I had a couple really close best friends who I loved dearly. And I lot of really good friends I cared about too. And so here I was 29 thinking of what it'd be like in the closet another ten years. And in my mind I said no, I can't, I won't. But worst of all, I thought about my friends, what if another 10 years went by and then they found out I was gay and they didn't want to be friends with me anymore? What if they felt like I had cheated them somehow all these years because they didn't want to waste their time being friends with a fag like me? As bigoted as that sounds, I cared for them all, and I didn't want to hurt them like that, if thats how they truly felt. I didn't want anyone to feel like they wasted their life being friends with me. So realizing that is finally what made me come out. And of course, I got not one single negative response. My best friend, he hugged me, told me he loved me, and said nothing has changed I'm still the same person I always was to him. And thats really all I needed. You can picture my closet splintering into a thousand pieces and exploding outward in all directions while the camera pans in slow motion, then white doves flying up towards the heavens. LOL a little corny ...but I was happy...I was free from that day forward. Am I completely out today? No...I'm out to who I want to be out to, I don't really care if people find out. I'm out to myself and to the people I care most about. And thats the most important thing.
Hi Brightsky. If you think you've missed the boat and waited too long to come out, here's some perspective. I'm in my 40s, married with kids and came out to my wife a month ago. Sound like a mess? It is...and it's one you don't want to end up in. Be glad you're realizing what you need to do at a time when the prime of your life is still ahead of you. I know it's scary but it's your ticket to freedom and you should take it. Best of luck to you.
That really hit me in the face like a ton of bricks, lol. thanks for the years of wisdom spaceman. I do agree its good that i'm starting this process now rather than 10-15 years from now. its still an overwhelming feeling at times, thinking that I've tried to portray myself a certain way my whole life(straight) and now I'm finally ready for change and I'm staring down a long scary hallway that i can't seen to walk down. Mirko... I came out to my mom because i couldn't deal with being the only one who knew i was gay. I had know this for years and started becoming depressed about the situation, I couldn't keep lying to myself and acting like i was interested in women. So one summer day i finally broke and told my mom how I had been feeling this way for a long time but only recently started accepting it... Since i've told her i do feel better at times knowing she knows but i still feel like in in the closet and am having trouble moving forward and feeling more confident in myself. you asked how i feel when i look in the mirror an say "I'm gay". Well sometimes i feel okay about it other times i feel embarrassed, which i hate. I know i can't change who i am but my whole life i've always been told or have the idea that gay people are lesser than or something to be embarrassed of, which i obviously know is not true but it's still something that i struggle with at times. Other days i feel exited that I'm starting to come out and think about how awesome it will be when i have a boyfriend that i can bring home, introduce to friends...etc. hopefully the fog will clear and i can find my path sooner rather than later. Thanks everybody for the kind advice and wisdom.
I think we all end up on the same roller coaster of emotions when coming out. There is fear of what people will think and excitement about living the life we were meant to lead. I'm glad for the chance to drop that ton of bricks on you. The longer you stay in the closet, the harder it gets. The result is depression and living a life where you will never feel fulfilled. That's what drove me out, despite all I have to lose. Keep taking steps out through that closet door. You're moving in the right direction. Don't stop now!
Ditto what Spaceman said. Grab the brass ring and move forward. You are not "lesser" than anyone else, just totally unique, LIKE everyone else. And gay, just LIKE millions of other guys. Look in the mirror and tell that guy you see that it is OK to be gay until he realizes it is true.
If they're really your friends, they'll understand. Even if it takes a little time. Coming out, for me, was a lot better than staying closeted. Even though it hasn't all worked out. But you have to go at your own pace. I do advise eventually coming out, but it's fine if you want to take it more slowly. Like, some people sit down in the living room with all their friends and are like, "Guys, I've called this meeting because guess what? I'm totally gay." And then others are just like, "NBD, this is my boyfriend. Isn't he adorable?"
Thanks for the advice guys, it really helps when othe people have been going through similar things. Lol Spockbach... I'd love to come out the 2nd way you mentioned, that would be amazing. But when the times comes ill probably tell them separately. I don't think I could tell a group all at once. But seriously thanks again for the advice. One day at a time
Hi there! I agree with the above that coming out, and even just thinking about the process can be like being on a roller coaster. Thinking about coming out to others, forces you to start letting go of your inner homophobia, and also of the 'safety of the closet' which can take some time. And you will go through some roller coaster rides, but know that they are a normal part of the coming out process. Even though it might be scary, you will come out of it as a stronger person. Telling your friends and others separately, in some respects, allows you to maintain control over your coming out, which is good to have when you start out. Having control, allows you to build up the confidence in coming out, and also prepares you for being able to be open about yourself in larger groups. I'm sure that as time passes, you will find your opportunities and desire to come out, and you will be able to say to yourself: "I'm ready for this."
