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Questioning whether my friend is gay or not.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by wyover, Nov 13, 2013.

  1. wyover

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    Hi, so I've always questioned whether my friend is gay or not. We've known each other for years and now we are in our early twenties. I would consider his mannerisms and the way he speaks somewhat feminine. If I didn't know him, I would think he was gay. When my friends talk about girls, I just feel uncomfortable for him because I don't want him to feel like he has to put up a facade. He mentioned he was hit on by guys at work before but he ignores it. We were talking about marriage once and he mentioned he can't picture himself with a wife because he feels he's not the type to not be attached to a person for a long time. I would consider him religious even though we never really bring up religion in our friendship. His parents are really nice, but they would definitely have a problem with him being gay because they are really religious people and in his religion homosexuality is shunned upon. I just want to see my friend happy and feel content about who he is. I don't want to ask him straightforward because I'm not 100% sure, and I know that would make him feel uncomfortable. Anyone go through something similar?
     
  2. Lance

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Something simple you can do to show support without directing it at him is by mentioning something LGBT related and say it in a positive light. Something in the news maybe? I don't know exactly what you'd be comfortable saying to him since I don't know your guys' friendship, but by just saying something affirming regarding gay people in general lets him know that he has a friend that isn't closed minded and is accepting in case he does happen to be gay.

    Otherwise there is the straight up asking him(I know you said you didn't want to, but..), which can be prefaced with how you're fine with it and don't care if he is either way since he's your friend and still the same person you've always known. Some people respond good to being directly confronted since it's kind of an "out" for them without having to bring it up or others shut down and deny it right away, especially if they're still in denial, or they happen to not actually be gay. But you can usually tell if it's a genuine no.

    In the end though you know your friend and know which way would work better with him.
     
  3. Yossarian

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think a question needs to be asked here to understand where you are coming from. Keep in mind that this forum is totally anonymous, so you can answer honestly without any strings attached. What is your own sexual orientation?

    If you are gay or bi, then you are in a more unique position to pursue the dialog with your friend and welcome him to come out to you from that perspective. If you are straight, then you should probably position yourself as an "ally" with no hangups about your friend being gay. If he IS gay, he is almost guaranteed to be unsure whether you would continue to accept him if he comes out to you; that theme is almost universal in what people say here about their coming out fears. He also may be concerned that if he comes out to anyone, the word will get back to his parents and he will be involuntarily "outed" to them at some unpredictable time. He will need sincere assurances that his secret will be safe with you, which you will have a hard time offering to him without engaging in a very specific conversation about his orientation.

    One simple way you can start if you are straight is to buy a T-shirt that says something like "Straight but not narrow", or a rainbow shirt with "ally" on it, or any of those variations, and wear it in a situation where you know you will be relaxed and alone with him, so you can ask him "What do you think about my T-shirt? With all the discussion about marriage and gay equality, I thought it was time to make a public statement and show my support for anybody who might wonder if I would still be their friend if they came out to me."

    Of course, if you are gay yourself, then you can ask him how he feels about you being gay, and if it causes him any concerns, which gives him the opportunity to open up to you, which might lead into a discussion of how he FEELS about you, so be prepared with what you are going to say if he goes there.
     
  4. BadCanadaJoke

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    Just make sure to show your support for LGBT people(if you are in fact OK with LGBT people.) Make him feel that (IF he's gay or bi) that you wouldn't have a problem with it. When the subject arises make sure to "put up a good word".

    Keep in mind that maybe your friend is LGBT but doesn't know yet. Shame, self-hatred and denial are things many of us have to deal with and if he was raised in a very negative environment he might have some soul searching to do,with which you shouldn't interfere. This is his thing and his alone.

    The only thing you can do is be someone that an LBGT person would feel comfortable coming out to. There's nothing else you can or should do. Just be there.