I am mostly closeted right now. I am not closeted because I'm afraid of homophobia. I'm closeted because I'm still not 100% sure on whether I like guys or not. When I was younger I solved this problem by coming out as bi. I wasn't sure if I actually liked guys. I just wanted to express to people that I wasn't straight. I don't consider myself bi anymore. That label makes me uncomfortable for some reason. I want to identify as gay/lesbian, but my doubt won't let me. I often suppress my attraction to girls because I don't want to creep them out. I feel depressed because I'm trapped in the closet. I just don't feel like I can express this side of me. I often try to distract myself with hobbies. This works temporarily, but I can't get my sexuality issues out of my head. I just want to resolve them so I can live my life again.
Hop aboard I am on the exact same boat. Yesterday I was fully sure I was going to come out to my sister but she had her friends with her and I felt uncomfortable bringing that topic up in front of them. Not that they'd react badly but just I can be a very physical person, I like hugging and stuff like that, if you're out as a lesbian you're worried that every straight girl might think your coming on to them. It sucks. And it's unintentional. But it's shit. I also find that when I am 100% sure myself that I am gay that I act more comfortable around men. I can make eye contact with them and not be so on edge, and I still findcsome attractive and I still want them to desire me and I still want to do stuff with certain guys. Bisexual makes me uncomfortable too. Lesbian seems to resound to that void inside of me, the one that I kept a secret from myself, but I don't know if that's because I feared being one and that is what it's responding to, or if I am bi and I'm biphobic because it does still feel like I'm holding something back, but I am not sure what. ....
I know exactly what you mean. The question of my sexuality seems to be constantly on my mind and anything else can only distract me for a short time. But I'd absolutely say coming out has helped to relieve that, even though I still have huge doubts about my sexuality. I guess it depends on how accepting you think your friends will be. With me, I started off with my absolutely closest friends who I felt would almost certainly be accepting. It was still absolutely :***: terrifying, but it did feel like a weight off my shoulders. So if you do feel like there's someone you could tell who would probably be accepting about it, I'd advise you to come out to them. If you're not comfortable with any particular label then you could either not label yourself and just make it clear that you're into girls, or you could come out as gay/lesbian but make it clear that you're not entirely sure yet. So far, I've come out to four people as bisexual, two people as gay, two as "not-straight" and with one, I didn't actually label myself at all, just mentioned that I might one day marry a woman. But with every single one I made it absolutely clear that I was still trying to work it all out. With those who seemed more comfortable with it, I was able to have a proper discussion about my sexuality (along the lines of I'm pretty sure I like girls, but I don't erall know about guys). While that obviously hasn't been very illuminating as to my actual sexuality, knowing that I was at least not trying to figure the whole thing out inside a closet was extremely helpful. Your situation will obviously be different, but I truly hope that you can find a way to feel more comfortable with your sexuality soon. Know that there are people out there who support and accept you. (*hug*) Hugs from across the Atlantic
