Where is my life going?

Hi - and welcome to EC!

I'm assuming that if you stick around and then move to the same city as your bf, that you won't be able to go to school any longer. If that is the case, I think it would be 'short sighted' to forgo your training just to be with your 14yo bf. He still has SO MUCH to discover about himself and what he wants out of life (not that you don't) that there are a lot of changes still to come for both of you. How long have you been dating?

I totally understand that you feel very strongly for your bf - and that's great. I think we all can either relate to how you're feeling, or we wish we could! But with age comes wisdom, and I'd say that it's a little too soon for you to say that this is going to be your 'forever' relationship. And based on that, you need to ensure you're keeping your options open - for all aspects of your life. Employment is pretty critical. Don't short-change yourself in terms of your education.

Good luck. And again - welcome to EC!

 

Your boyfriend posted about this situation elsewhere on this thread. (Unless there's another 18-14 relationship involving the 18-year-old possibly moving to Alaska...) The concensus seemed to be - "Go for it."

Lex

 

Here is the thread Lex is talking about; Relationship Issues

Or this could just be a very big coincidence....

 

I think everyone's consensus was accept the generous offer from your grandparents. I know what you mean about computers and not really needing college credentials in that field but the field is changing and these days, at least in Vancouver (which I assume you may have heard of if you lived in Alaska :lol, so many people have college degrees that it's getting to the point where those that don't are at a serious disadvantage just generally when looking for work that is not entry level. That is, why would a company hire a computer nerd when they could hire a computer nerd with a degree? Sadly, for many people, that "piece of paper" means something. I don't think that's necessarily very fair or accurate but it is, unfortunately, true in a lot of cases.

Still, at the same time, I understand it when you say you aren't really eager to do more schooling. What you could do, though, since the offer sounds incredibly generous, is do a year or two of college taking a bunch of different courses that just aren't offered at the high school level and see if you find anything that you really like. For instance, they don't usually offer any kind of sociology or psychology courses in high school, and I'm sure there are other fields that you haven't been exposed to.

Being able to go to college at all is really just such an incredible privilege... a lot of people who have gone, are going, or could go don't necessarily realise that. In Canada, only 1 in 5 people do post-secondary education, and I believe fewer actually end up with a degree. It really is an elite type of opportunity and if you have the chance to check it out, with substantial aid from relatives, it seems a really amazing thing to turn down.

As for your feelings for your boyfriend, well, they're understandable. But try to look at it from a long-term perspective... you're 18. He's 14. This is your... 2nd relationship I think he said? It's been a month. You're going on very little information or history there. I could have sworn I would be with the first person I was with for the rest of my life because I was that happy to have found someone. As it turns out, 2 weeks later he started sleeping with a good friend of mine (who promptly ceased to be considered a good friend, for some reason :dry.

I'm not saying your boyfriend will do the same thing because your boyfriend does not sound like an asshole, for one thing. What I'm getting at is that things don't always work out the way we think they will, especially around relationships when it's very early on in our history of having them.

(And to be honest, they don't always work out the way we think they will later on in our history of having them, because last year I got dumped—at the age of 33—by the person I was getting ready to spend my life with and it was, for me at least, extremely unexpected.)

 

That's okay. Our feelings are our feelings, and they can be really strong at times. What is good to do is learn to recognise when they are strong and try to work around them.

It's really important for people to have their own set of friends and their own time to spend with them. That doesn't mean they don't love us. It just means that no one person can be everything to someone else.

It's not unusual to feel really strongly early on in relationships, especially when you have less history of relationships so everything is VERY strong and VERY immediate. You basically have no experience handling feelings on that level and for some people that leads them to the kind of behaviour you've fallen into, which is wanting to be around him 24/7. To be totally honest, most people would want to kill someone who was with them 24/7, no matter how much they loved them. It's just... too much. People need diversity and they need breathing room and they have obligations to other people in their lives that they need time to fulfill.

It may be really hard but if you give him some room, he probably will appreciate you a heck of a lot more than if you are always there. Absence, as they say, makes the heart grow fonder. There's nothing like having someone at your beck and call to make you start taking them for granted. Plus it's no fun having a relationship when you have no anticipation of when you're next going to see the person. I think that's probably why moving in with someone can really stress a relationship—because then they're always there and always available at some point in the day and it's hard to adjust to that much accessibility. We always want what we don't have, right?

 

I think you're probably expecting too much from a 14 yo bf. If you're feeling confused and not sure of things, imagine what he's thinking? He doesn't know what to make of this, because at 14 I don't think many people know how to be open and honest in a serious relationship. So now that you know how he feels, that might help you make your decision. At a minimum, it helps you understand why he has behaved the way he has in the last few days.

As Joey says above - the first few relationships we have hit us very hard. Love is like that. And that's good that you feel this way. But at the same time you have to recognize that people change, and relationships change, and they won't necessarily last forever.

 

Yeah seeing someone every day or nearly every day can be a bit much, even if it's not for the whole day.

If you aren't close to a lot of people, that explains why you place so much importance on your relationship with him. But hopefully you can see how that might not be so comfortable for him, even if he loves you to pieces. It can be very daunting to feel like you are someone's be-all and end-all. One of the incredibly difficult lessons to learn in life, let alone in relationships, is that people are really different in terms of how they feel and even what they feel and to get through relationships (and life), you have to figure out some way to accept that and respect it. As I said before, if he doesn't want to see you as much as you want to see him, that doesn't mean he loves you any less—just that it's different for him.

 

Well, expecting someone to see you before work, during your breaks, and after work - when they have their own life to live - is actually asking quite a lot! Remember that they are also going to school and doing homework in the time that you're at work, so you're not actually leaving a whole lot of time to them for them.

He also indicated that you're spending the weekends at his place as well - sleeping over.

That's A LOT of time to spend with someone that you've only known for about a month.

What are you doing about dealing with your 'relationship issues'? Are you seeing a counsellor or therapist? That might be a good idea. If people have an option of spending EVERY WAKING MOMENT with you or no time at all, they are going to choose no time at all.

 

I hope you know that most actual counsellors wouldn't be like your youth pastor... the American Psychological Association declassed homosexuality as a disorder 30 years ago now! So the person you saw was not a counsellor in the professional sense. Please don't write off all counselling because of that one bad experience—it can be really helpful!

From everything I've heard, yeah WoW can eat up A LOT of time.

I know it was painful to read what he wrote but hopefully you understand (a) how amazing it is that he can even formulate it like that (I know very few people of any age who are that clear about what they're feeling) and (b) he didn't mean for you to stumble upon it. Actually I kinda wish people hadn't given you the link to that thread but oh well... no point crying over spilt milk. But yeah, people will always be more blunt/honest when talking to others about their problems than they will talking to the people they're having issues with. I know I say things to my friends about people I'm in conflict with that I would never say to the person I'm having issues with.

Anyway, despite feeling pressured, he did on multiple occasions to multiple people express his love for you, so I think you have to focus on the positives here: you know you have an issue the two of you need to sort out and you know he wants things to work out between you. That's two pretty big positives and honestly, I don't think the issue will be that hard to solve; you just need to develop some more friendships and find some more hobbies, and it sounds like you're already halfway there.