So I told my mom about a year ago that I'm thinkin I may be gay (I knew I was, I just couldn't flat out say I'm gay mom). She said to ignore it for a while and it may be a phase and all that, so I did of course. Then about 8 months later I put something on FB defending gay rights and she saw it, then she questioned me asking if I still felt that way and I said yes. She asked if I need to talk to a therapist or counselor, I told her no then my sister walked in so we couldn't talk anymore. Then about 2 months ago from today, I put another thing on Facebook and apparently she saw it again and questioned me when I was in the car with her. She once again asked me if I still felt that way, I said yes. Then she went on about how she thinks someone made me have these feelings and think like this, and said I need to talk to a counselor or a therapist no matter how many times I say I don't need one. Then she got defensive and started threatening to invade my personal space by looking through my entire computer looking for things that she "wouldn't like"... I haven't talked about it since... I'm too afraid to. I feel like she will deny it and make up these excused... What do I do? :/
Wow, it sounds like you are in a really difficult situation. I can imagine how hard this is for you right now, sending you a huge hug. It sounds like your mom is just really in denial, and she probably has a really skewed view of gay people. You just need to live in your truth, and know ultimately nothing she does or says can change you, because your were born this way. If you feel like you are at risk being in your Mothers custody and being out, then I would probably just not talk about it around her, but if thats not the case, then theres no sense in hiding it. The more she see's that you actually are gay, and that you arent any different because of it the quicker she will accept it. But again, be sure you are safe. Much love,
It's gonna make something really hard... My boyfriend and I have an online relationship, we planned to meet this summer... She will kill me for just even bringing up the idea! :'(
You know... there's another possibility. You could go to a counselor -- I definitely woudln't turn down free therapy if someone offered it to me -- and talk about what's going on. Any competent therapist is going to be very clear in about one session that you're gay and aren't going to change. And perhaps if you have a couple of sessions with the counselor, and then bring your mom into a session and s/he also tells your mom that you're gay... your mom will STFU and start to accept it. Just make sure you have input in the selection of the counselor and avoid one with any religious mention in his or her profile. I agree that she's likely in denial, and perhaps the best way to get her past that is to "force the issue" by having another person she'd respect tell her that's who you are.
Maybe it is time to introduce your mother to PFLAG to get some help for her in understanding you; she appears to be the one needing some counseling.
Realize your mom, is in denial and is trying to "take your coming out back". She probably doesn't want you to be gay and doesn't want to deal with it... There's various ways you can proceed. You can be very explicit about how much you think dick is delicious, you can find someone else(video on the internet) that explains how knowing what you like sexually is not difficult, what's difficult is accepting and embracing it. Or you can do the hard thing. You can sit her down and tell her your story. Make her see the world through your eyes. What made you realize first that you were gay. Tell her you are not attracted to girls. Tell her you've never been attracted to girls. Make her watch the It Gets Better videos. Show her that there's a better life for you out there. That she doesn't need to worry about you. Because probably the reason she's in denial and the reason she doesn't want you to be gay is because she worries. Tell her that you'll be fine even if you're gay. Tell us how it goes
I think I agree with Chip here. Go to the therapist. It may become clear rapidly to him or her that while you are comfortable with who you are, your mom is struggling with it. Maybe mom is really the one who needs someone to talk to. As frustrated as you are, think of how she is feeling, trying desperately to deny reality. This is fear. You need to express some simple things to your mother. IF IT IS TRUE, Tell her that you still love her and want to be part of the family. Tell her that you hope she can learn more about who you are. Tell her you want to help her learn about it. It may take her a while to process this. She may need help--even therapy--to do it. Try to give her the kindness you wish for yourself. I hope she ultimately reaches a place of love and pride for you.
It just occurred to me that you might want her to watch a movie called "Prayers for Bobby". It will give her something think about, and maybe lead her to get some of the help that SHE needs to understand you and the problems for you her actions are causing.
Do you know exactly what it is that makes her think being gay is bad/wrong? Maybe if you can pinpoint exactly what her problem is (religion, bad past experience, whatever) you can help her understand that it's really not a bad thing. That's what I would try. I also agree with what everyone is saying about getting a counselor on your side. If you take the fight into her arena and then win, she pretty much has to accept that it's not going to just go away. Whether or not she'll accept you is an entirely other matter. Honestly, I don't think it's a big deal if some of your family is not okay with your sexuality. I mean, as long as you are comfortable with who you are, does it really matter what your family thinks? I know it's tricky because you're still in your family's house, but really try to break out of the cage! I hope I helped!!! BIG interwebs hug coming your way (*hug*)
Thanks everyone! And omg... I just watched "Prayers for Bobby", that is the most I have cried while watching any movie I've ever seen. I imagine that would get the point across if it comes to it being needed.
Every parent needs to watch that movie, which is kind of a wakeup whack on the head, that kids need the SUPPORT of their parents when they are dealing with problems, not preaching or "changing" them to fit some religious dogma or preconceived parental notion of what they "should" be in their own imaginary view of a perfect world. I am so glad that you are seeking support from outside where you are not getting it yet at home. That shows a level of maturity which goes beyond your years, Jake. Sometimes the children have to be the adults when the adults are living a fantasy. We don't need any more "Bobbies", ever.
