I've decided I want to go back in the closet. Being out has done nothing to improve my life, and I think it has honestly made it harder. My brother woke me up and called me a fag this morning before he left for work, and I think that was the final straw. The GSA on campus hasn't been helpful at all, and I feel just uncomfortable there. Everyone there has a boyfriend or girlfriend, and they're always talking to each other as couples after the agenda is gone over, and that made it ultimately harder to make friends there without feeling like an alien. So I stopped going and terminated my group membership for this year. It also seems like everyone on this campus already has their exclusive groups of friends they've known forever, unlike me and my one friends. We tried to integrate ourselves in circles of friends that seemed to like the same things we did, but they usually shut us down with other plans or something. No one besides my friend and my brother really know I like guys, and everyone else just speculates to create rumors which I can deny, so why not go back in? :S
I don't know. I can tell my brother I am straight and was just very confused for some reason, and he will probably stop. I can stop associating myself with it and just force it in the back of my head to figure it out later or something.
Coming out and going back in and both COMPLETELY up to you. It's okay to not want to be out right now. But you need to decide whether you'll feel okay trying so hard to appear something you're not. It's not wrong to want to appear that way, but are you going to feel okay about it? Only YOU are allowed to decide that.
idk. I'm not out and my gays friends talk down on me for it. However, I don't have to act like someone I'm not. I just tell people I'm straight. I know they buy it simply because I act like myself.
Are you aware of the 5 stages of loss? Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance For many people these 5 stages manifest when there has been a loss of 'identity'. For many people coming out to themselves, and their loved ones. Think about it, we are creatures of information, and we create schema's of the world, how it work, how we work, and how the people around us work, ect. So when something comes in that doesnt quite fit into your schema, either you have to change the schema or it gets rejected. Its like if I told you that your Mother was smoking crack... You wouldnt believe me, because she probably isnt that kind of person in your opinion, and she wouldnt do that, however, if you walked in on your Mom one day smoking crack you would have to shift your schema.... and then probably go through the other four stages of grief. With your brother, it sounds like he is in-between denial and anger. Just give him time. Going back into the closet will just make things even more messy in the future, and will honestly feel alot worse for you. In your case it sounds like you may be bargaining and acceptance, and you may be experiencing what is called a vulnerability hang over. essentially its when you have made yourself extremely vulnerable, and you regret it (sort of like a buyers remorse). The most important thing here is to not worry necessarily what other people think of you at the moment, but just focus on what you think of yourself. Be honest to yourself, and try to practice compassion, its hard but I know you can do it. We are all here behind you no matter what you decide to do. Much love and light, PS you may want to check this video out... it would really help you a lot. Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability - YouTube
That's not going to work i'm afraid. To a homophobe, even being "confused" and then going back in is a sign of weakness and not being a real man. Sorry you lost your brother's respect, but you can't let him treat you like that. Not to mention, going "back in" after rejection, no one is going to believe that. You've got to keep your head up and keep pushing forward.
I agree with this 100%. If the GSA at your school isn't giving you what you want there's no reason to force it. And if you're not ready to be open to a whole lot more people right now, that's fine too. But going back in will make it harder to be open and honest with your brother in the future, even if he is being a douchebag right now.
I've given him time. He's known for almost 4 years, and he still treats me the same. Ignoring it didn't work, asserting the fact I don't like it didn't work, one physical reaction didn't work (and I hate fighting), and none of it works. None. Telling him I'm straight will probably be the only thing that makes him stop. I get the vulnerability thing, but I've watched that Brene Brown video three times. I get everything she says and try to use it, but it never, ever works. All I do is feel like a freak around people. Coming out has probably been the absolute worst experience in my entire life in the long run. People are still, after almost a year, talking about me because of that person who outed me. I've texted him numerous times telling him to stop reminding everyone because he has done it yet again and reminded everyone. They keep asking my friend after she told them she doesn't know, which I am thankful for, but it is becoming a burden on her too. They keep asking me through e-mails, phone calls, in person, and in text messages. It's too much, and the only thing that wouldn't be this stressful is going back into the closet for now.
As others have said, what makes you think it will stop if you go 'back in the closet'? People will still ask. Rumour is rumour. I'm guessing you're not dating anyone since you feel you might be able to crawl back in so it seems nobody you know needs evidence to start thinking you are gay. If your brother is waking up after 4 years and calling you a fag, what makes you think you'll feel better if you tell him it wasn't true. He'll probably STILL call you a fag, you'll just spend your whole time trying to tell YOURSELF that it isn't true... I completely understand your reasons for wanting to hide it all again, but it won't make anything better. In fact you might find it makes it worse since for some reason there is a small but irritating fringe in the LGBT community that think it's appropriate to pick on people who DO go back in because they see it as a sign of weakness or giving ammunition to those who see being gay as a choice...nobody needs that kind of crap!
This is probably going to sound terribly harsh, but if your brother is abusing you, perhaps you need to cut him out of your life. I'm not up on the logistics of your current situation, so maybe there are financial or other challenges involved in this. But abuse is abuse is abuse and that the person doing it happens to share genetic material with you is of no importance. If a parent were abusing a child about their sexuality, there reaction here would be calling for everything from CPS being called in to police intervention and maybe torches and pitchforks depending on the group's mood that day. Why is a sibling any different? I'd also have to ask how long you intend to keep this up? A year or two? Five years? Forever? Are you expecting your brother to magically change his mind at some point or is there a plan in which you can get yourself more self-supporting/self-sufficient/away from him and then you'd come out again and tell him to go screw himself if he doesn't like it? I'm afraid I don't see this situation (lack of social contacts and new friends) changing just because you go back in the closet. You've already stopped associating with the GSA, but you also indicate that you're not having a lot of luck with the straight people on campus either (and they already presumably thing you're straight). How will being closeted help in this area? Could you see about getting involved with other groups or making friends among the other freshman? When in a new group what are you doing to try to get to know people? How big is this university/college? If it's of any size, I'm sort of doubting that literally everybody has already made friends before they arrive and has no interest in talking to anyone else. What do you mean by them 'shutting you down with other plans'? As in they don't want you going along to do some activity while everyone else goes? Or something else? You mention more on the rumors thing later in the thread. I'd suggest that rather than getting agitated and running around trying to play whack-a-mole with them you either ignore em or confirm em and just be done with it. The more (and more frantically) you try to fight them, the more people are going to want to 'poke the bear'. If people from your HS are still worrying about this, why do you care? Again, it's been a while, but I was under the impression you were going to college a good distance away from therm. Is this something with your family and college money or something else? Ultimately and at the end of the day, it's true that it's your choice whether or not to be out or closeted. And if the situation 'on the ground' right now is that it makes tactical sense for you to retreat into the closet for a bit, then all well and good. What concerns me is that you sort of give the impression that you think that doing this will somehow solve all of your problems and that you might want to just stay in the closet forever. Unfortunately, it's incredibly rare for one single action to solve all our problems, and being closeted forever seems like it would be a shame on many levels. I'm sorry that you're having a rough time right now (*hug*) Todd
I could be completely wrong, but if you've been out to him for 4 years and all of a sudden you say you're straight to him, he probably won't believe it (provided he's not an idiot). Also, your brother's being an asshole. If you can't put up with him without sacrificing your own happiness, why do you put up with him?
Maybe two years, at most. He has plans of going to Japan at some point to finish his degree in linguistics. If I ever stop stressing over it because I've pushed it to the back of my head to worry about later, I won't need to tell them about it or think about telling them because it won't happen. I tried. We had a course called University Seminar this semester. They had everyone for eight weeks to basically get to know each other. Most either had friends already or made friends quickly because they were all outgoing and excited, whereas I was nervous. Not a single person in there was relatable to the point I could carry on the conversation. I'm sure they felt the same way with boring ole me because all I could think to tell them was I like Star Wars and food. Everyone else also had talents like drawing because the majority of my Seminar was art and design majors, whereas my talent was to sit silently in the back corner of the room and listen to the instructor go over how to do certain things on the website. The college is two hours away from where I was, which seemed like a long way away. However, the college I go to seems to also fraternize with other smaller community colleges, and everyone is connected. The people from my old high school that went to the other colleges mingle with all the people from the other colleges and my college and get to know everyone. My friend still talks to some of her friends, who were also people who asked me, because she has been friends with them since Pre-K. She doesn't want to cut them off, and I am not going to force her because it is my fault. If I hadn't told her, she wouldn't feel burdened. If I never told the person who outed me, this would've never happened. It was my mistake to think I could've trusted him or anyone with it. So, since everyone mingles with everyone around here too, being out doesn't seem too viable. I'm still going to think about it tonight, but the more I think about it, the more climbing back into the closet seems much more comfortable. I put up with it because why try and make it worst? I've told my RA about his repeated verbal abuse, and he got a scolding and two warnings. One more warning he is out of the dorm. My mom knew about it and scolded him because they sent home a letter to her. He told me if I did it again, he'd tell mom I like guys. Then eventually my entire family would know. Why not wait like two years and let him go off to Japan than potentially risking both of our college experiences? His wouldn't be too tarnished because all he has to do is get into another dormitory. My mom would probably yank me out of college because she doesn't want to send a gay kid to college, nor does my aunt or dad. A successful gay person? I'll never be one. I can only be one if I am closeted until I am out of college, which I thought would never be the case, but apparently so.
Ultimately this is your choice. Things are certainly complicated by your financial dependence upon your family. You need to make the decision that you believe is best for yourself. Sadly, I don't think it's going to make any significant difference, especially as it relates to your brother. However, let's be clear here: your brother is abusing you and he's attempting to black mail you. You need to know your rights and learn your options. I suggest contacting the Lambda Legal Help Desk. They are unlikely to represent you, but they can inform you of your options. Those options can then be used to find a private lawyer, if you believe it is necessary. (Naturally, learning about your rights and options does not obligate you to actually pursue legal action.) What you want in this situation, really, is some leverage and power. Especially over your brother, and any repercussions that may come out of his potentially outing you to your family. That's the first thing you should do as a practical matter. On a more personal level, you need to make a decision. You need to decide whether or not you're going to allow the feelings and opinions of other people to dictate how you feel, act, and live your life. You're in a bad situation. You were outed before you were ready. However, it's out in the open now, and it's going to be almost impossible to close Pandora's Box. Once you've been tagged with the "gay" label it's almost impossible to get it off - it's something that hangs over your head forever. Just take someone like Ricky Martin as an example. How long did he struggle with being in the closet? How many non-denial denial's did he give? How many women did he date and even fuck? Lot's. Did it help him erase the gay label? Nope. When he finally came out in the end what was the response? Silence. No one was shocked, because everyone already "knew" - and by "knew" I mean he'd been "tagged" with the label. You're in the same position. You can give as many non-denial denial's as you like. You can even outright lie. You can date women and have sex with them. None of it will matter, because you've already been tagged. This is true even if you were actually 100% straight. That's just the reality of the situation. However, that's not even the real problem. The real problem is that you're giving up your ability to be happy by handing over the keys to your life to other people. You're letting them control how you feel and how you act, because you're afraid of what they'll say or what they'll do. ....and let's be honest, we all do that, and it's perfectly natural. We're social creatures. But at some point we have to be willing to draw a line in the sand. We have to be willing to live authentically, and begin sorting through our friends and contacts. Those who accept us for who we are get to stay, and those who don't get pushed to the side. You can't rely on other people to invite you into their clique or group, and you need to find a way to make your own. The group you build should be constructed around people who support you and provide you with what you need. This is something that every person has to do at some point - gay or straight. Everyone has to decide whether they're going to live for other people, or if they're going to live for themselves. Don't get me wrong - I'm not telling you what you should do. That choice is entirely up to you. You know your situation better than anyone here, and you know the consequences. All I want is for you to know that you have options and choices. I don't want you to feel like you're being forced one way or another. Regardless of what you decide, I highly recommend finding out what legal rights and options you have in your current situation. Uncovering that you may have some sort of leverage could be very empowering, and help you make your decision.
Perhaps, as someone alluded to above, you're feeling vulnerable. What does going "back in" entail? Lying or just not discussing your orientation? If it is the later (deciding not to discuss), I don't think you necessarily have to go "back in," you would just be putting the discussion into a holding place for a while until you sort through some of the emotions. Also, would it help you long term if you go back in the closet? What is your vision a few years down the road (i.e. mid 20s)?
I am sorry that you are having all these problems. I wish I had some great words of wisdom... The one thing that does occur to me is this: you say you only have to put with this two more years until your brother goes to Japan. I'd strongly suggest that you set things to minimize contact as soon as possible. I'd urge you to try to make next fall the deadline if it is at all possible. Your family may think you should be happy hanging around with your brother, but it's clear that it's NOT working, and if they need evidence they've got that letter the college sent. Another thought: it may be possible to get some action from the college that will not involve tossing your brother out/endangering you of losing support/etc. No guarantees, but if you get the right person, amazing things can happen sometimes. I saw this just yesterday--I am getting hit with 2 service charges that I should not have to pay. One got reversed easily. The other, I was told, I was stuck with. Really? I asked. And representative basically said: "Well, someone above me can probably do something. You have to talk with [x] or [y]."
