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Just Realized Im A Closet Case. Help Me Out!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MaseMan, Nov 16, 2013.

  1. MaseMan

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    I don't even know where to begin. This will be sort of long. I hope you all will stick around and read it, because I really need some advice. I'm 18, just started my first semester in college. My whole life I've only dated girls, and Thought I've Been in love with 2. But, I've always known I found guys hot too. (maybe TMI), But when I watch porn 95% of the time it's gay porn, and has been ever since I can remember. It's just always been so much hotter to me than straight porn. During high school I definitely played it safe. I fit in really well and had a ton of friends who never questioned it after my freshman year. I moved to this school my freshman year and didn't play sports, due to a blood disorder I have, not that I didn't want to, and automatically the naive freshman boys all assumed I was gay. Until they got to know me, and of course I denied it in the beginning. My Junior year I was on and off with a girl who I thought I was in love with. And wasted my whole Senior year on a girl who I barely even knew, and honestly would still get with her if I had the chance. But, when it comes to girls, I've never really been sexually attracted, just more of a like affectionate thing. I have never sat around and fantasized like all my buddies do about banging a chick or them giving me head, or hooking up with them at parties. So that right there was a red flag for me, because I do when it comes to dudes.

    Fast forward to the summer after my senior year, this past summer. I started becoming more comfortable with the idea that Im actually into dudes. But I thought it was all sexual. I started using those stupid apps just looking for a hook up, because I thought thats all I was interested in was sex with dudes, and relationships with chicks. But thats a very unhealthy balance. So I dealt with that since maybe July, and haven't really hooked up with anyone. Because all the guys in my area are sissy boys (no offense to them, just not what Im looking for at all). A few weeks ago I started talking to this dude about an hour away from me who had a girl friend, but loved hooking up with guys and admitted he preferred guys but of course he loved his girl friend. So immediately I thought this would be fun. We talked for about 3 weeks, and were planning on hooking up. When I realized that I might have a crush on him, because he was super nice. So to avoid the awkwardness of it all we just stopped talking. He said his gf was becoming suspicious of the person he's always texting and snap chatting, and I just said I don't think I'm ready to hook up with a dude.

    So fast forward to now. I have always thought the idea of having a relationship with a dude was the MOST disgusting thing ever! But a couple weeks ago on YouTube i came across MarkEMiller's channel. If you all haven't watched him, you really need to! Especially people in my situation. So after watching all of his videos my thought progressed. I started fanticizing about having a relationship with a dude. And found that it was possible for two dudes be together without it being so weird and gross. So he's helped me out more than he'll ever know.

    My biggest problem is, Im a huge closet case. I don't fit the stereo type AT ALL. And where I come from thats about all you see. Im from a small town in North Carolina. And all the gay people around here are the sissy boys who are flamboyant and prissy and all that. And to each their own I don't give a fuck. Im just not attracted to them at all. If I wanna date a girl I will, not a guy who wanted to be a girl. I just want a dude, who acts like a dude, but also loves dudes. But I have no idea on how to meet other ones, especially without telling anyone. All I see on the apps and stuff are the super girly ones, so I've become a bit discouraged, but again, I've not been looking super long.

    Now last thing. I have a ton of friends, and 4 best friends, 2 guy, 2 girls. And the 4 of them are all I really care about knowing if I were to tell anyone, and I know none of them would give a shit if they found out. But, Im not ready. Especially because my extended friend group are mostly dudes. And I don't want it to be weird. We've slept in the same bed, changed in front of each other, and even showered together. And I don't want the whole awkwardness of it all. So as of right now I'm not telling a soul. I feel like when I find the right guy, if I ever do, then that'll be worth telling everyone for. None of them really question it I don't think. So there's not much pressure. My best friend out of all of them who knows me better than anyone did ask me this summer. He was just like "you never talk about sex with girls and blah blah, and I just want you to know if you are Bi, and like dudes, I don't give a shit, I just want you to tell me because It's really shitty if you don't tell your best friend." and of course I denied the hell out of it.

    I would just appreciate some advice on how to go about meeting guys who aren't so open and proud with it like myself. Who don't really want the whole world to know, and avoid social alienation, which is a big deal at 18, you have to remember. Also some advice on what I should do in my situation. Im sorry it's so long, but I had to get it all out, I've never told anyone.
     
  2. BadCanadaJoke

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    First of all, change dat tone. Sissy boys?! Da fak?! Hells no! You better than them maybe?! They are being who they are and that's incredibly courageous and brave. Instead of looking down on them(even in your head) you might want to appreciate and even admire their courage for not hiding who they are,even if you're not attracted to them.I'm not attracted to very feminine guys either but that's got nothing to do with it. Treat others like you'd like to be treated.

    Now that we got that out of the way, on to actually reply...
    Your case actually seems very similar to mine(minus all the girlfriends)... The only time when I watched straight porn when I was a teenager was when I wanted to make myself think I was actually straight... Yet strangely all the dudes on those videos were incredibly hot. Hmmm..

    You might want to think of yourself being with a guy, sexually and in a relationship. How does that make you feel?
    Take some time to think while being completely honest with youself, no fear, no hesitations . The though of being gay or bi, how does it stick with you? Does it "fit"? Does it feel right? The fact that you're even questioning yourself means that you're not a Kinsey 1 straight.

    You could look up some other people and even watch some coming out videos and see if you can make up your mind through that. May I suggest(from youtube always) Dan Savage, Will and RJ(shep689), TheDiaryOfJake, Simon Harrison.

    No matter what, you could have an amazing life,just like you've envisioned it, while being gay or bi. All you need to be is yourself. You don't need to fit ANY stereotypes to be gay. Some of us fit some stereotypes and some of us others. For example, I couldn't care less about hairdos and makeup but I like musicals! When In first admitted to myself that I was gay it was last Christmas and I felt like I was walking on the moon!! And it wasn't for another 2 or 3 months that I joined EC. It all has to do with how comfortable YOU are with the idea.
    It's something you need to do by yourself, don't think about what other people will think.
    Hope I helped even a little,I'm no expert of course. Dan Savage will be of much more help, I know he was to me..!
     
  3. MaseMan

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    I know dude. I never looked down on them. I clearly said I don't give a fuck. If you wanna be super gay and falmboyant more power to you. Cudos to you for having the balls to do so. It's just not me. It's not how I act or want to act. And am definitely not attracted to them. Just wanted to clear up the fact that I'm not looking down on anyone!

    Now that that's out of the way, thanks for your advice! And to answer your question yes. The thought of being bi is good with me. I don't wanna say I'm gay. But I could be. I don't really fanticize about chicks anymore. So who the hell knows. But either way I'm not ready for anyone to know! I live in a fag hating part of the country and I'm not capable of handling all the scrutiny, at least not right now... And yeah watching youtube is what really helped me come to terms with it better and accept it all. And that was mostly due to Mark E Miller. He's the man. I also like J. Merridew. He helped a lot. These two dudes break the mold for me and give me a little hope. Originally I was all about just messing around with dudes. And now I can actually think about having a relationship with one and not feel sick! So that's why I'm so confused! Again, thanks dude for replying!
     
    #3 MaseMan, Nov 16, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2013
  4. yep

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    First of all, congratulations on coming to at least partial terms with your sexuality! That's a huge step, and definitely the most important. Secondly, NEVER apologize for speaking your feelings, no matter how long they may be.

    I know how hard it is to try and accept this fact, but I'm glad you were able to find EC & especially YouTube. Personally, that's my favorite way to get advice and I absolutely LOVE Mark & Ethan. If you like them, you'll definitely like Will & RJ (shep689 & TheNotAdam) and probably MikeyThePlatypus. I also really like IamStantastical, but he doesn't post too terribly often.

    As far as your best friends go, they seem like great people who will obviously be accepting of your sexuality. Do you know how you feel after you posted this passage? If you felt really good about finally getting it all out, then chances are you might be ready to tell at least one of your best friends. If posting this didn't really release any steam at all, you might not be ready to tell people, and that's okay! If you do decide to tell someone, don't feel the need to have to label yourself. It's okay to be generic and say "I like guys" or something along those lines. You can figure out what label fits you the best down the road!

    As for the stereotypes, you have to realize that the LGBT community is so widespread and far-reaching that there is not one set of blanket stereotypes. Of course there are stereotypes, and we don't need to discuss them because we all know them. BUT, a majority of LGBT people do not fit into these stereotypes. For example, I could honestly care less about my clothes, my hair, etc., but I don't like sports. So, I fit into some stereotypes, yes, but I completely break others.

    Meeting people is definitely going to be the hardest part of all of this. If you're closeted, anyone who is potentially interested won't know your sexuality, and they probably won't even try. You can definitely try and mingle with people you believe could be gay, and that way if neither of you are out, you could potentially become close enough to come out to each other. Another option is if you tell your best friends, chances are they have some friends that are LGBT that they can put you into contact with.

    I hope I've been able to help as I've been in the same situation as you before. Make sure you let us know how things go! (*hug*)
     
  5. BadCanadaJoke

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    Good! Sorry if I sounded a bit douche-y. I just came from that thread with the guy who's in love with his brother and I was a bit on edge:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:P

    Youtube did the trick for me too! All those guys sharing their stories made me feel very comfortable with being gay and Dan Savage made me more open-minded sexually. He's been a revelation,really. You should check out his videos.

    You're way better than I was last year. As long as you've realized and accepted that side of yourself you're fine. Don't forget that human sexuality is very complicated and it even morphs overtime... As long as you're able to embrace and accept that part of yourself, you have nothing to be confused about.


    The fact that you don't fantasize about girls right now could mean that your attention is focused somewhere else. Some day you could meet a girl who makes you want to be with her. That's called being bi.
    Me for example, I know I can never go anywhere near a vagina! If you're not certain of the same thing, if you still consider that you could, then this just means you're more flexible than I am...

    ---------- Post added 16th Nov 2013 at 08:13 PM ----------

    @yep Hahaha! Could our responses BE more similar?! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: hehe
     
    #5 BadCanadaJoke, Nov 16, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2013
  6. yep

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    Apparently not! :lol: I must have just clicked in to type mine as you were posting yours! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Also, I just read the thread with the boy who's in love with his brother, too. I'm not sure how to feel about that...
     
  7. BadCanadaJoke

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    Addressing what you said at the end, besides the internet I don't see how else you could do it. It's all a matter of timing and luck.
    Find the right websites, maybe twitter, or youtube where you could get in contact with someone. Gr*ndr or ###### could work for you...
    Telling your girl friends could be a first step,get them to go to bars with you, or even your best friend who practically told you to tell him already. They could be your support group. Because you will need one when shit happens. :/

    Is there an LGBT group in your area? You could visit them! That's where Will and RJ met and now they're engaged! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: You never know where you're gonna meet your next boyfriend. At school, at a tyler oakley meet-up. You can never know. :/

    You will just have to keep trying and networking yourself and hope for the best. I've asked this question before on EC and the best I got wasn't more than I just told you...
     
  8. MaseMan

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    Thanks guys!

    Yep: Mark & Ethan are what really gave me the balls to think about who I am, and what I want in life. And it's that. Im into dudes, and I'm not disgusted with it anymore. Still kind of disgusted with people knowing. But that'll come in time. My friends are awesome, I just don't think Im ready. I might tell one of my friends who doesn't live her anymore, just so I can tell someone, but don't have to face them everyday. Because posting this did feel like a tad relieving. The stereotypes are just hard to get over, because thats all I see. I just wish closeted guys could read minds so they could meet other closeted dudes haha. And I don't ever wanna be considered a part of the community. Right now I don't associate myself with a "straight community" so the whole community thing makes me uncomfortable lol. Not trying to sound like an asshole tho!

    Johncrys: Nah man, you're good. Thank god I havent seen that thread haha. And I know honestly this time last week I wouldn't think Id be comfortable with it. Let alone last year. But I swear Mark on youtube did the trick. Idk there's something about him that gave me such a confidence boost. I feel like we're so much a like it's not even funny. I haven't checked that dude out, but I will. The problem I find are some of the youtubers are too feminine for me, and push me back a little. Because again the stereotype thing pops back up. Thats why I like Mark, and J. Merridew so much!

    ---------- Post added 16th Nov 2013 at 11:59 AM ----------


    I know that's how Im gonna have to meet them. But I don't wanna put my face out there attached to any gay sites. Which is a huge problem seeing as thats how you meet. Idk, Im just not ready for my friends to know. I'd probably tell my best friend who asked me before anyone, because he's like my brother. I just don't see any of them really helping me out by going to gay places. But, I don't even know if I'd be comfortable going to gay bars and stuff. And as for the groups, Idk, and right now I wouldn't go to one. I just dont want anyone to know, and word travels fast around here, everybody knows everything. It's kind freaky actually. It's just all happening fast...
     
  9. BadCanadaJoke

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    You're not sounding like an asshole AT ALL. You just have somet= things you have to sort out,that's all. We all do(did) and it's fine. :slight_smile: Everything at its own time.
     
  10. MaseMan

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    Yeah. Thanks man. I watched the Will & RJ guys. And They're okay. I like dark headed scruddy faced one, but the other one with the glasses is kind of annoying honestly. They're not much help. haha.
     
    #10 MaseMan, Nov 16, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2013
  11. BadCanadaJoke

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    Take your time. There is seriously no rush. Start being comfortable with you you are. Take some "me" time for a while. But when you're comfortable, you should tell him. Even if it's only him. You need someone to talk to. He will tell you to tell others but don't do it unless you're ready.

    It all has to do with how YOU feel. I think you have some internalized homophobia to work on(which is completely normal) and some misconceptions about the whole thing...



    Yup. That's called coming out. It's hard and stressful and painful and it's probably the hardest thing you'll ever be called to do.

    That's why EC was made. This is why the It Gets Better project is here for. Get as much information as you can. Watch all coming out videos, youtubers and anything that can help you. It has took me more than 5 months of youtube, google searches,wikipedia and articles and and and, to be able to say that I am finally able to come out. It's not easy.

    Personally I feel like I should be able to answer all questions that will come my way and most of them will be ignorant. And that's OK.
    You will be called to educate your friends and family on who you are and why you're this way.
    I could go on. But I won't. Mostly because I'm getting nervous:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    The day I came out on EC I was up all night!!

    ---------- Post added 16th Nov 2013 at 09:37 PM ----------

    What they're trying to do actually is to show the world that being gay is normal, by vlogging about their normal lives.

    RJ(the one with the scruffy beard:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:) has his own channel and there are some very good videos there you could check out. He talks about some LGBT issues and his videos are more interesting as in they're educational at some extend...
     
    #11 BadCanadaJoke, Nov 16, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2013
  12. MaseMan

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    Thank god u were on here today dude. You're a life saver. Your advice has been on point! And yeah I do really wanna tell him. I just don't think I can right now. I know he said they wouldn't if I were, but I'm just so scared things will change. And I don't wanna lose him. Because he is my best friend. And I know that's a stupid worry to have! And as for the homophobia, I do think I'm going through that to an extent. Some of them just make me uncomfortable. And I know that's probably use to me being uncomfortable in general. Again thanks dude. You're the man!!
     
  13. BadCanadaJoke

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    I'm awesome I know,but let's not dwell on that :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Regarding what you said about your friend, I completely agree. You shouldn't say a word unless you're ready,but he seems like someone who can really be there for you so WHEN you're ready to talk to him it seems things could change for the better :wink: Change isn't always bad,it can also be good change. I don't mean to sound like I'm giving you false hope or anything, I'm only talking about that one friend but whatever... :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Take your time with all this, and tell us when anything changes,how things go:slight_smile:
    If you have any other question seriously make a thread and ask about it. If the guy who wants to have sex with his homosexual,molested,adoptive 15 year-old brother can make a thread about it,so can you! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  14. Andrew99

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    God that was long lmaio but anyway I was reading why u were saying and I know what u mean the typical gay guys that all act like girls I wouldn't wanna date either bc well u know I'd rather have a guy that has is more on the masculine side and when u said your a closet case come out when ur ready too & don't let no one pressure u also u will find the right guy I know u will u just have to find him
     
  15. MaseMan

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    Hah. Thanks for reading it man. Thats exactly it. I just want a dude that can kick it with the guys, then go home and fuck a dude. To be honest lol. I met a dude today that just made me wanna go deeper in the closet because thats the vision of gays my friends have and I don't want them to ever think of me that way. Again nothing against them, it's just not me or for me. I feel like I'm so picky and will find any feminine thing I can when it comes to a dude. So that worries me. I just don't know where to meet other closeted guys. I wish someone had some intel on that lol. Anyway thanks for the advice dude! I feel you!
     
  16. Robben

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    It sounds like you have some personal reflection to do and some work with acceptance that needs to be understood. I thought for a long time I could just keep a gay lover on the side while I lived a dual life. The dual life doesn't work. If you are having a hard time feeling too much like a sissy imagine how prudish it is telling yourself you can't go through with it. What you would find pleasurable in a homosexual love affair is very important. Letting others know the straight life is not for you is also important. I knew a lot of sissy boys and a lot of them who tried to be professional athletes, but that was unrewarding. I am a transitional cross gender myself, and I find I have to realize my female personality traits to fully establish a gay love with a man that is not one sided. That you see, think, and feel things about the opposite sex is normal, what your drives tell you and the personal attraction you have for men tells you something else. They are not really in conflict. You only have to take the time alone to understand that your being gay, signifies that you will be making those choices that arouse pleasure and an interest in your attraction to the same sex. There is not much progress you can make in the closet, but like you, I am an evolving homosexual, meaning I am growing, changing, and developing, in a way that may be different than others, but is both meaningful and relevant to reciprocating and celebrating our great love of self and of others.
     
  17. MaseMan

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    Yeah man. I think I do have some accepting to do. But, I'm not struggling with a sissy image. That's not me at all. I was just saying I was into dudes who didn't really embody female traits. It's just unattractive to me haha. Thanks for the advice!
     
  18. BadCanadaJoke

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    I think a first step would be change your "orientation" indicator here on EC :wink:
     
  19. Lexington

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    Just know this is pretty common with guys struggling with their sexual identity. My friend more or less nailed it by saying the mindset is "I'm not GAY gay - I just dig guys". As you work on accepting yourself some more, I think you'll find your attitude towards more effeminate guys easing up somewhat. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  20. MaseMan

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    Haha. Yeah maybe I should.... :confused:

    ---------- Post added 19th Nov 2013 at 12:08 PM ----------


    Yeah. That's exactly the mindset I'm at right now. I'm not gay. I just dig guys haha. Because I do still dig the occasional chick. But not often. I don't have a problem with feminine guys being around really. It's just I have nothing in common with most of them. So I don't really befriend them. And I know I'm not attracted to them. It's just not me. I mean I don't think anybody would find it a big deal when I say I only like super girly girls who are all prim and high maintenance. But I'm not attracted to the tomboys who like to play sports and ride horses and shit. It's the same thing man. I'm not discriminating against them. I'm just saying I'm not attracted to them! Thanks for the advice tho man. You nailed I think!