I'm trying to decide whether I should come out to one of my best friends when I see her next weekend? Any advice much appreciated. Here's a bit of the history of our situation... Recently I have been doing a lot of thinking and have come to the conclusion that I'm pretty sure I'm gay. And I've realised I'm totally fine with feeling that way in the privacy of my own head. But it still feels terrifying the thought of other people knowing; I'm 23, not out to anyone and have never had a relationship. I now feel that discussing all these feelings with one friend in confidence might help me on my journey of self acceptance. I just need someone to talk to. The friend I'm considering telling (let's call her Ali) I've known about 4 years. We met at university and became close friends. She has lots of friends (unlike me, I have very few) but Im the one she would come to with her problems and she has told me I'm one of the only ones she can talk to about things. We always talked for hours about most things and would share the difficult things going on in our lives, supporting each other etc. I went through I period of a couple of months earlier this year where I was very down and unhappy. I was really struggling with coming out to myself. I guess it just hit me how I miserable I would be if I didn't come out but how hard it was going to be living openly gay knowing how others may react. During this time I was very quiet. My friends could tell something was upsetting me and would ask me if I was ok and if I wanted to talk. I knew they were talking about me when I wasn't around trying to figure out what was wrong. I told them it was something I had to figure out for myself before I could talk to anyone about it. It was round the time of our final exams and I said I just couldn't deal with it right now. Ali was particularly persistent in trying to find out what was upsetting me. She would text me and try to talk to me on my own. I knew it wasn't the time to come out. I hadn't dealt with it myself and it was already a stressful time with exams. After a heart to heart about other things we were texting each other. I said in a text I would tell her what was was upsetting me after we finished uni a few months later. These are replies I received from Ali in text messages... "I totally understand but you always help me out so it would be nice to do the same...If you ever want to talk about absolutely anything then let me know cos I do like to help out... Well whatever it is big or small I guarantee you I'll have some solution to it". It put a stop to the questions from her. When we finished uni in the summer she would mention we hadn't had that chat yet. I kept putting it off because I wasn't ready. I'm going to see her next weekend for the day. I think I'm ready to talk to her about it, I think it would help me. There are a few things making me doubtful though: 1. Will she really be as supportive as she sounds? It may not have entered her head that I might be gay so maybe I can't talk to her about 'absolutely anything'. I've never known her to be either homophobic or supportive of lgbt issues. She's an Irish catholic and her parents have very strict traditional views. It concerns me she may have these ingrained into her and that she would not be accepting of me at all because of this? If she couldn't handle it could she keep it a secret? 2. It's been 4 months since I've seen her in person (she lives 2 hours away and with work its difficult to meet up). We do text about once a week though. Would it be weird after this time apart to bring it up on my visit next weekend? Should I wait? I just want to do it now. 3. I don't think i can say the words 'Im gay' or make a big deal of announcing it. I suppose I hope to lead the conversation towards relationships, she has a boyfriend, and explain how I'm physically and emotionally attracted to women not men. Could this work? 4. I was attracted to her, probably in love with her, about 3 years ago. It was part of how I discovered my feelings for women. No one knows how I felt and she's totally straight. I've got over it and am not at all attracted to her now and haven't been for over a year. Maybe she shouldn't be the one I tell first because of this? I can never tell her how I felt. But will it make it awkward to explain myself? 5. When I see her next weekend we're meeting in a big city near her house. There won't be anywhere private to discuss things. I guess we are going to end up in a cafe or something chatting over lunch. Is it a bad idea to come out in a public place like that? There's no alternative. We couldn't get privacy at either her house or mine due to my parents and her housemates. Any advice would be greatly appreciated?
hi so i just came out to my best friend last month as the first person i came out to and i was just as terrified because my friend is super religous and because i couldent say the words im gay either i just said hey you know how your always asking if i have a crush on a boy well i dont and i probaly never will cause i like girls also if you dont have any where private to talk just tell her in the car but not when the car is moving that could be bad tell her when the car is parked or something but no matter what happens just remeber to be brave and it might take her a while to accept you just like it took a while to accept yourself:icon_bigg
Thanks turnip67. I think it's going to come down to if it feels right and I can find the courage on the day to overcome the obstacles in my mind. I somehow doubt it.
Well, my advice to you would be to break it to her slow, see how she reacts to the initial problem first before taking it any further. What I mean is, whether you are completely certain or not, act as though it might just be a possibility. Say, "I think I might be gay," instead of "I'm gay." Saying "might be" will allow you to see how she reacts to the possibility, but still allows you to say "I might not be," if things don't go the way you want them to. Act like your still figuring it out, let her adjust to the idea, it's a lot easier than coming out full swing.
you dont have to say im gay, you can just say i like girls or i dont like guys... you dont have to pressure yourself into telling her if it feels right at the time then do but if not then dont worry no rush. if you end up not telling her you can always text her it and say hey didnt feel right saying face to face but just wanted to let you know ____ hope this doesnt change our friendship or something like that. or even you could ring her after youve seen her. she will probably support you seen as she has been a good friend to you over the years.
She sounds like she would be an AMAZINGLY supportive person to come out to. Are you in an area that is generally accepting of LGBT individuals? Do you know how she feels about LGBT rights? Do you two have any friends that identify as LGBT to give you an idea of how comfortable she'd be with the subject? From what you say she sounds like she'd genuinely like to help you with what is bothering you. Everyone should be lucky enough to have a friend like that. My only caution would be if you know her to be homophobic because that would be an unnecessarily stressful first coming out for you. Pick the person that you know will be the most supportive and accepting. Good luck! It really does start to feel better once you can say it out loud to an accepting friend.
Thanks for the reply I guess there is a general tolerance of gay individuals in England compared to many places in the world. There's still a fair amount of intolerance around though. I really have no solid evidence of how she feels about LGBT rights... this is what worries me!! If I'm honest I suppose its never a topic I've brought up in conversation or talked about at length when it has arisen. Its pathetic, but I guess I was scared I would be asked questions about myself that I wasn't ready to answer or make my feelings too obvious. I've never heard her opinions on LGBT political issues etc. We don't have any mutual friends who identify as LGBT so I cant use that to help work it out. I remember sitting listening to a conversation our friends were having one day a while back about gay people. I think her and the rest of them held the general view that the idea of gay male sex was disturbing. But she did comment that thought of two girls together was ok compared. (Clearly I don't hold the same narrow minded opinions and its so much more than the physical acts. As I recall, I said nothing throughout said conversation and kept busy with something else!!! I wanted to avoid being so defensive I was obvious!!!) One of our mutual friends did have a lesbian flatmate last year. Ali spent a little time socialising with her, but I was never there to see it. I remember Ali saying to me how surprised she was when our friend told Ali that this girl was gay. Its never really been mentioned since and Ali didn't really seem to react one way or the other when our friend told us this girl and her gf had got engaged. I've never heard her say anything openly homophobic. She's sometimes guilty of using the phrase that something is 'so gay' in a negative way but its probably just without thinking of what hurt it could cause. I guess as far as I can tell it could be a non-issue for her. She doesn't go out of her way to be supportive of the LGBT community and equality in general. But I don't think she's ever had to deal with such equality issues affecting anyone who is close to her before so maybe she's never thought about it? I guess my complete avoidance of such conversations or slightly defensive attitude when I have contributed, together with my lack of boyfriend could have given her a clue anyway? I could spend time trying to find out her opinions and try to get a better idea of how she'll react. Or I guess I could just take the view that if she doesn't support me and is homophobic then she isn't someone I need in my life anyway is she? I'd rather avoid such an experience in my first time of coming out though!
I think you should definitely tell her! You could casually say, "you know how you always tell me I can talk to you about anything? Well I've been trying to figure myself out, and I think I might be gay," or something along those lines. That way you're not just saying it out of nowhere. I agree with everyone else, either say it in a car or even in a restaurant or somewhere where nobody's really paying attention to you.
I agree that she sounds likely to be supportive, but it really is your decision. But she sounds like a supportive person!
I am going to just wait and see if it feels right. If I tell myself I have to do it I'll make a mess of things cos it'll all be too pressurised! I think I will try to explain it by saying that 'I like girls' rather than saying for definite I'm gay. The fact I like girls is, after all, the bit I'm 100% sure on. I suppose she may ask me if I think I'm gay or bi? And how I came to realise? She's bound to ask questions isn't she? That's where the difficulty lies in avoiding telling her about the way I used to feel for her. I guess I just have to tell her all the other parts to how I figured it out!!! Is it best to reassure her that because I'm telling her this, it doesn't mean I'm attracted her? (I'm not anymore at least, so it's not a lie!)
Thank you, your advice actually makes a hell of a lot of sense now I think about it If I'm honest I wouldn't have thought of saying that I 'might be gay'. Quite the opposite infact, I had thought I'd try and get across how sure I was about my sexuality. I suppose its because I feel like I've spent so long trying to come to terms with my feelings and trying to stop doubting myself. I didn't want to show that doubt incase I end up questioning myself again or someone tries to talk me out of it... I guess in reality what I want and need is just someone I can talk to about all this. If she's going to accept it and be supportive then she probably should know about all the doubts and questioning I've been through anyway. It just depends if I can find the courage to go through with it on Saturday or if I talk myself out of it before then.
I can't say whether your choice of person is right without knowing her, but just wanted to say 'good luck' and also to reassure you that it's always scary coming out, especially the first time, it's totally normal. Nearly every time I have had my heart thumping in my chest and missed about ten opportunities to slip it into the conversation and been on the verge of just giving up before just forcing myself to say it. Just remember, it will be hard, you just gotta push past that mental block and get it out there. You can say it, it's physically possible, you just gotta make yourself do it.... hope I'm not scaring you off here, this is supposed to be encouraging, lol! Afterwards I have always felt fantastic and I'm sure you will too Let us know how it goes, you have a lot of support on here anyway
Thanks for your words of encouragement, they made me smile.... even if they do make it all sound terrifying!!! It's actually really helpful to know how nervous and scared you and others have felt coming out, AND that it ended up being worth it. It gives me hope! I never thought it would be easy! But, I thought I'd know when it felt right. I'll be honest... in the last few days I've gone from being so sure I am ready, right back to that place of doubt of whether I should say anything. I suppose I've been trying to work out whether it's just normal to feel like this... OR whether I've been feeling so frightened and unsure of the thought of coming out because I'm not as sure of myself as I think I am. It all seems so final!!! ... If I pluck up the courage I'll update with how it goes!
