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I've come to terms that i'm gay, and now the next hurdle

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by boyfromhamilton, Nov 16, 2013.

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  1. boyfromhamilton

    boyfromhamilton
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    Location:
    Alabama
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Well I've been a member of this site for a few months and I figure it's time to share my story. I am 31 years old, married with 3 wonderful children. I got married at the very early age of 18, I guess I knew I was gay way before then, but thought I would snap out of it and having a wife would be perfect for me. Don't get me wrong I love my wife, after all we met in school she was my best friend, and we have been married for 13 years. I have been struggling with this for years, almost told her once or twice but do not want her to be hurt or her to be mad at me. I feel like I'm dying inside. and now more than ever I want to tell her and everyone else, I feel that I can't. My wife is kind of controlling not abusive just like to run the show if you know what I mean, and strongly dislikes anything gay, I know this because she can't stand my brother and he's gay, My parent's, brother, and sister have also been let's say less than supportive for my gay brother. My wife's family well were not even gonna go there, but I cannot expect any support from them either. So I'm torn on what to do, I would have no support group of friends because the one's I do have completely despise gay people, I live in rural NW Alabama By the way, if that tells you anything, I guess I have pushed myself away from people for so long hoping no one would ever find out, that I literally have like 2 friends and don't really know about them if they knew. I really want to be happy but I'm afraid that if I come out to anyone the first thing that would happen would everyone would know and it would all blow up. I'm so afraid she might take my children and not let me have anything to do with them and that would devastate me, because they are my world, They may never know but they have saved me from suicide many times. So on that front I would rather be unhappy in life to have them. What would you all do? I have seen some really good advice on here, hoping I get some too.
     
    #1 boyfromhamilton, Nov 16, 2013
  2. AKTodd

    AKTodd
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    Hi there, Welcome to EC,

    Reading your post, the first thought that came to mind is: What about your gay brother?

    Could you come out to him and would he keep your confidence on this matter? Admittedly, it's a small step, but having even one person to talk to, and maybe offer you some support could help you feel better.

    If your relationship or his circumstances are such that you don't feel you could trust him, perhaps look to some sort of external resources. This could range from an LGBT support organization or church somewhere in Alabama that you could visit once in a while or maybe a support phone line of some kind (some of these are national hot lines and you should be able to reach them toll-free, I'd think).

    Beyond that, I'd suggest introducing yourself over on the LGBT Later in Life section of this forum. There are a number of people there who have gone/are going through a similar situation to your own and who can both relate and possibly offer additional advice. Of course your're more than welcome to continue posting anywhere else on EC that catches your attention:slight_smile:

    Hope this helps at least a bit and best to you as you move forward with this (*hug*)

    Todd
     
    #2 AKTodd, Nov 16, 2013
  3. boyfromhamilton

    boyfromhamilton
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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Well I thought about my brother however he is not exactly the star of the family, and is serving a 10 year prison sentence on the other side of the state, sooo that's not really an option at this time.
     
    #3 boyfromhamilton, Nov 16, 2013
  4. Lunarchy

    Lunarchy
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    Being gay is hard enough on it's own, but it's even harder when there are your children on the line, and essentially your whole life. I'm sorry I can't give you a magic answer, there are only two real outcomes to this, you and your wife separate, or you and your wife stay together.

    I'm sorry to say this, but if I was in your shoes, I would stay with my wife, (or husband in my case.) You may not be attracted to her, but you have your children to consider, at least for now. There may come a point when you won't have to hide yourself anymore, but that point isn't today. I really wish I could tell you differently, but I don't think now is the right time.
     
    #4 Lunarchy, Nov 16, 2013
  5. boyfromhamilton

    boyfromhamilton
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    Not out at all
    And my children are very important to me. I have had these feelings for years but if they would have just stayed on the back burner it would not have been a problem. However over the last 2 years the feelings have become some strong I almost cannot bear it at times. I want to experience a lot of firsts for me, as stupid and corny as that sounds, I want to experience things like a crush that can be acted on, butterflies in my stomach, maybe even a broken heart, none of which I ever got to experience. I have tried not to get close to people over the years for fear of something, so therefor I have pushed myself into this corner if you will. Another thing that aggravates the fire out of me is my current location, I know there are gay people here but everyone is so homophobic around here everyone just suppresses their feelings. So I guess you Lunarchy are right, I need to wait until the time is right, because I don't think I could bear losing my children, my family, and everything else I have.
     
    #5 boyfromhamilton, Nov 17, 2013
  6. Reddy

    Reddy
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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    I am in almost the same situation, right down to the social isolation. Over the last several years of marriage the desire to be with a man again has grown to be almost unbearable. But, like you, I have two children who I treasure so much that I could not bear to be away from them. I just couldn't be a part time dad.

    So I have more or less decided to put them before myself, and yes I know this will in the long run, probably be much to my detriment. Oh well, c'est la vie. In the Army we say "service before self". I suppose at home, and with my kids, the same is true.

    Perhaps there is a way, if your wife be willing, to explore the other facets of your sexuality, although it sounds as if you may be looking for something other than mere sex?

    Haven't really been successful in combatting the social isolation though...
     
    #6 Reddy, Nov 20, 2013
  7. Yossarian

    Yossarian
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    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Do you really want to be an "out" man in rural Alabama? That is sort of like being an eskimo in Miami. You might want to think about moving to somewhere that is more gay friendly as well as more accommodative to a father's right in regards to the children. You aren't going to be able to discover a whole lot of gay men in Hamilton, or Guin, or Bug Tussle, if they are even any there, locked in the closet.
     
    #7 Yossarian, Nov 21, 2013
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