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I want to come out to HIM, should I? (1st. post, help me!!)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by km1306, Nov 18, 2013.

  1. km1306

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    LONG POST, I NEED YOUR HELP PLEASE READ!!

    Hi, Im km1306 and its really comforting to me I've found this place to express myself.

    This is the first time I'm gonna say it and I hope it won't be the last one. I'm gay.
    Im 21 I'm still closeted to everybody but there's just one person I want to say this to and is of course HIM. Sorry for my english but im from somewhere in central america and my native language is spanish.

    So this is my story.

    I've been fighting my homosexuality for the last 7 year and it has been hell, I started to deny it to myself but its something you just cant fight at the end. Ok so I was in high school around 6 years ago and I met this guy named: Jason. He was a little bit egocentric so I didnt like him at first, We had all courses together and he used to sit right behind me. I really liked him in a physical way since he is a really hairy man and I have a weird fetish about hairy men hahahaha. So we started to be really good friend we talked a lot about anything but I already had a crush on him. So this afternoon after coming back from sports class we were all in shorts and when the teacher started giving his class, he managed to somehow put his leg in my desk right next to my arm so his hairy leg would touch my arm, It was awkward because everyone could see it.
    This became an usual thing he did and suddenly I was not able to take it anymore and I started to rub my hand on his leg and WOW it was really good and he was ok with it so we started to do it more often I used to sneak even in his sock when he was not using shorts.

    After a few weeks he started to hang out with my group of friends and he used to sit on the cafeteria table with us, always next to me. He would put his leg over mine and I would rub and pet his hairy legs, I really liked to look him in the eye when I was doing this and he used to gave me a really sweet and sincere look he has a really deep look and when we were saying goodbye he used to gave me these really strong and long hug I loved it. However it looked weird to others since he did that only with me. We became really good friends and we really cared for each other and of course I fell in love with him :frowning2:.

    There was this time we were on a talent show on school but we were standing up since there was not place left for us, we went to one of the corners of the room and he was standing right behind me, after a few minutes I felt him really near not his face or chest but his bulge! He grabbed my belt and pulled me a little bit so I was able to feel his hard penis on my ass. I just gave him this weird look like WTF? man are we really gonna do this? He just grabbed my hand for a second and let go also he was not really near now. This was really intense for me and I was so in love with him already it hurted.

    A few months later as we used to speak on school, txts, msn and by phone a lot, he told me he joined this catholic group that was really good and he was going every saturday all day, I told him it was boring for me but I was happy he liked it so much. One week before school was over I was with him on recess and he told me he needed to speak to me in private and I was like: ok?
    We went to a empty classroom and he told me this ''I just wanted to say goodbye to you because you are my best friend and one of the best people Ive ever met, Im dropping school and Im joining this catholic group forever''

    I said ''What do you mean forever?''

    he told me: ''Im becoming a priest and Im going to brazil next month for about 5 years to study the bible and everything about God, I really think I need to do this and I really feel Im being called''

    I suddenly thought: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? IS THIS THE BEST WAY TO RUNAWAY FROM THIS? HOW CAN YOU FUKING TELL ME YOU ARE GONNA BE A PRIEST AFTER EVERYTHING WE WENT TROUGH THESE LAST MONTHS? ARE YOU THAT KIND OF HIPOCRITE?


    But I just said: Why didnt you told me this before? Im gonna miss you, but Im happy for you! I wish you the best of the luck and Im gonna miss you, I'll always be here for you. He hugged me as he was not going to see me again, we hugged for a long time and I dropped a tear without him noticing however I was heartbroken. This was one of the worst days of my existence.
    At the end of the week I was able to tell him goodbye before he left I grabbed his face asked him ''Are you really doing this?'' he told me ''Yes, man Im gonna miss you so much but this is the path I have take'' he hugged me and I started dropping tears like an idiot. He left and I was alone, in love and depressed.

    I was depressed for a long time but I had to move on, I changed school since it was really sad for me to be in all the places Ive been with him. I did move on and I was happy I was actually gonna be able to finally start my life as a straight man, I failed.

    The years passed by I dated a few girls but Im not into girls, I had a crush on my current best friend but I mean it was just something temporary and he is obviously a Alpha Male. I was focusing on graduating from high school so I did not have any time. Everything seemed right at that point of my life. There was just someone missing.


    After 3 years and almost 6 months I was doing homework around midnight when my home phone rang. I freaked out but I was the only one awake. I answered and..... it was him.

    He told me: Hi this is Jason, may I speak with Neill?

    I was shocked and I did not answer then he was like ''Hello?'' and I said '' Yes man, its Neil how are you?''

    We talked about 6 hours until dawn he told me everything he went through in there and he finally found that he was not being called he was just another person who thought this wrong.

    We started talking to each other, a lot as we used to, however I was nto able to see him since he lived so far away from my place. I invited him to my graduation and it was just beautiful, when I was sitting in front of all the public and I was called to get my Diploma I saw all my relatives together screaming and clapping because I was giving a really big step on my life and seeing him together with them was just awesome''

    Since we were able to talk only by phone and bbm chat or whatsapp he started to be a little bit nasty and I always liked to flirt with him, he even told me once that he wanted to fuck me in a joking sense.

    Now we both work and we also go to college so we have no time to be together so whe chat a lot. we always filrt with each other and when we reach the limit we go back as we are only 2 straight dudes talking about random things.


    around 4 months ago I was going to an EDM concert near his home so I told him to join me he hates EDM but he told me he was going only because I was going to be around his area and he really wanted to hang out with me. He asked me to stay at his place all weekend so we could catch up.

    He was driving to the event, I was sitting next to him and I needed to know what was on!!. I started touching his ear and play with it. He just looked at me and smiled. I suddenly started touching his hairy chest and belly under his shirt. We got to the place so when he pulled over I hugged him and told him ''Ive missed you so much, lets have fun tonight''. When the event was over we already had like 6 beers in our bodies so we were a little bit drunk. When he was driving I was a little bit dizzy so I told him if he wouldnt mind if I place my head on his shoulder. He told me ''Im all yours'' and I said: ''Fuck you man I just need to sleep''.
    We got to his place and his mom had already a sleeping bag next to his bed so he could sleep in there and I would sleep on his bed.

    Next morning we went for a hike and we talked about how good was the concert and also how good was that we were together finally after all our work and study stuff. In the afternoon some of his neighborhood friends invited us to have lunch at their place and for my surprise they had like 5 bottles of whisky and lots of beer, We had a good time with his friends and we all got really drunk except him. When he started to notice that I was getting really drunk he just put his leg over mine and whisper in my ear ''like the old times'' I was so turned on that I was gonna kiss him. I was really horny so I told him ''You know we should get going because we are like 10 minutes away from your home, you have to drive and its already 3 am'' We got in the car and I started kissing his neck, he was laughing and let me so I went on, I lick his ears and I could feel his body getting warmer and warmer, 2 blocks away from his place he pulled over and without saying nothing he hugged me really hard and I took his shirt off. I licked his chest I sucked his nipples and rub my body in his. The last thing I know is that I tried to unbutton his pants and he didnt let me. Then I passed out. Nex thing I remember is him pulling down my pants and looking for a pair of shorts on my bag. I remember him putting the shorts on me and told me '' Man you are wild im gonna sleep next to you'' Then I woke up. He was right next to me shirtless. I touched my boxer and I did finish on it. He woke up and told asked me if I had a good sleep. I said I did. He grabbed my hand and told me ''You are such a fag''
    We had breakfast together and then my sister picked me up at his place. We never talk about what happened.

    Last week I was on a bar with a group of friends from work we were partying hard and I was really drunk when I left. As I was walking down the block to get to the parking lot, Someone hugged me from behind and I was like ''fuck im gonna get robbed'' It was him and he asked me to join him and his friends. I went with him so we could spend time together cause I love him. He sat right next to me and suddenly grabbed my hand and gave me this ''Everything is gonna be fine'' look it was so intense and cute I almost melt. I did the same as we do everytime we get together, touch his leg and this time I was able to grab and strock his hard dick for around 1 minute.

    after another 3 beers I was not able to drive. I called my best friend. He and his girlfriend went to get me.

    Today we were talking by the phone and I told him that as soon as I get my college degree im gonna apply for a residence in Canada so I can go live there and start from scratch.
    He told me: Im going with you!

    I said: Yeah, lets go live together in an aparment building, like you wouldnt chicken out!

    He said: Im not kidding man, I would totally go with you and we can get married in there.

    I said: Yeah right.

    He changed the topic and after 20 minutes we hang up.


    *****************

    Bottom line:

    I need your help, you know I cried while writing this. I love him so much.

    Do you think he is into me?
    How would he react if I tell him, Im gay! ??
    Should I tell him?


    He says he is straight and he had a girlfriend, he tells me he is some kind of womanizer and im not sure if this is true or not.

    I really appreciate if you took the time to read this long story and you can help me figuring him out.

    Thanks a lot!!!
    Neil.
     
  2. Yossarian

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    Neil, he KNOWS you are gay, whether you confirm it or not. He is gay too, or at least bisexual, whether he is ready to label himself as such or not at the present time. He is obviously "into you" also judging by his actions, even he doesn't quite know how to proceed from here. You both need to have a serious discussion about where you want your relationship to go from here, beginning with being open and honest to each other about your sexuality. Whether you want to come out to anyone but each other right now is something you both can decide together, but you are way past needing to be honest and open with each other. I wish you the best luck at both accepting your mutual feelings for each other and what it means; hope you are both on the same page in terms of how "open" you want to be to your mutual friends and whether you are both ready to "come out" to each other.
     
  3. BadCanadaJoke

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    Are you crazy?! He's in love with you!!!
    You think you're crying?! I"M crying!!:')))
    Go after him!! You should've known from the start!!!! Why are you so scared to be with him?! This is the best love story I've ever read!!!
    A hairy Mexican(I assume) wants to marry you in Canada and you say no?!?!
    Go after him, get the off the internet and go get your guy!!!
    The reason he wanted to join the church is because he was feeling guilty of being gay, of being in love with you!! But he's not any more!! Just go!! Go!!! :'((((((

    ---------- Post added 18th Nov 2013 at 04:47 PM ----------

    This is better than When Harry met Sally and it's my favorite movie!
    Have no doubts, no straight guy and no gay guy who's not in love with you would EVER let you stroke his leg or dick... Have no doubts and go get him!! I wish you guys the best!
    keep us updated,please. Please tell us how this all goes...:'))))))
     
  4. km1306

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    Yossarian: You are right he obviously knows but I don't really know how to tell him. And I am afraid that after I tell him what I feel he is just gonna deny it and go away. I mean he already tried to run away from it once he could do it again.


    johnchrys: I was somehow expecting this reaction from someone :slight_smile:, I mean sometimes I don't think it's real and I start to think that maybe it's all in my head. But im finally open to you guys. and after writing everything here, it made me realize how many signs he already gave me and I'm so negative that I was not even able to notice that he might be willing to do this.


    Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and also to write these advices. I am really grateful.
     
  5. BadCanadaJoke

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    If you tell him that you will be on his side maybe he won't try to run away...! He's probably scared too,he needs you to tell him that YOU won't run away from him... If you think it was difficult for you accepting who you are imagine how difficult it must be for him... He tried to be a priest to avoid being with a man... It's not easy for him either... He needs your reassurance...

    I think you were so scared of rejection you didn't realize he was being honest with you. When he said you are such a fag, he was saing that about himself too...:slight_smile:

    Trust me, I am the most obnoxious motherf*cker you'll meet and today you made my little obnoxious heart skip a beat... The signs he's given you are those of a very brave person who wants to give you a message,as clear as he can,by his actions not his words...
    The fact that you responded to us means you didn't run after him...
    What are you afraid of(still)?

    ---------- Post added 18th Nov 2013 at 06:39 PM ----------

    Don't thank us for taking the time to read this, I am going to read your story every morning until I know every word you wrote,by heart!! There is no doubt in my mind that this man is in love with you.
    You should help each other get over whatever issues each of you might have about your homosexuality,together... I wish I was there with you, talk to you and take you by the hand and take you to his door,but I can't.

    What's holding you back?
     
    #5 BadCanadaJoke, Nov 18, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2013
  6. km1306

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    This was probably the worst day of my life.

    So after reading your comments guys and reading myself the story again I was pretty confident on what he was gonna say. So I thought maybe next time I see him ill just tell him.

    Around 9:30 am he texted me: "I have an job interview at 4pm just 3 blocks away from your job. Would you like to have dinner with me around 7pm? "

    I was amazed on how destiny was working everything out. I said to myself "today is the day". As the day went through I was desperate to go to my lunch at 7 so we can have dinner together.

    At 7 he was waiting for me in my building's lobby. I went down and when I first saw him. I knew everything was gonna be fine. I was really positive about it.

    We went to a mall that is right next to my building and he wanted to eat mexican food so we enter to this place (for my luck it was empty). He told me it was on him and he went to buy the tacos and everything.

    I was so nervous I was not able to look him in the eye. So he told me: "hey whats up with you today? You seem awkward. I cant believe we never see each other and you are acting like this now that we are together!"

    IT WAS JUST ABOUT TIME TO LEAVE THR CLOSET.

    So I said: Im in big trouble jason, I need to tell you something.

    He was a little bit freaked out and said: Whats wrong? Are you ok?

    I said: You know when we first met at high school (he was confused) you seemed really egocentric and I didnt like you at all.

    He said: What are you talking about?

    I said: You know earlier that year I started to notice that I was more into guys than into girls, Until I start hanging out with you. After that I knew I was only into guys. I developed really strong feelings for you and I was in love with you. (My voice broke and I was about to give up and say nothing more). We've been through a lot man and you know it. You know what happened back then. Then you suddenly wanted to be a priest. You dont have the idea how devastating that was for me. I tried to move on and I did or thats what i thought. Then you came back. And messed me up again. The big trouble Im in right now (he looked shocked and somehow sad) is that im still in love with you. I stopped.

    We were in absolutly silence for about 2 minutes.

    I continued: How cant I be right? I mean these las few months were intense jason and you know what Im talking about.

    He was trying to say something but he just couldnt.

    After 3 minutes he answered: Neil I am really shocked. You had the balls to tell me all this you are being very brave. you are a great person also one of my best friends and I love you. But I am not gay or bi or anything like that. I am straight and I like women. I really appreciate that you had the cofidence to come out like this to me. But im afraid Im not gay.

    I was so overwhelmed by everything I said to him and what he just said that I was not able to breathe. I got really mad since I was confident that he might say yes Im gay or maybe Im still figuring this out!

    So I went on.

    I said: Ok so what we do everytime we see each other is just as straight as we playing video games? Give me a break Jason!! (i yelled). You are so straight that you let me lick you, touch you and even suck you! Wow where the fuck do you live!? Because here on earth thats called homosexuality you know!

    I was about to punch him on the face a leave.

    He looked down and said: I did suspect you were gay neil. But for me that was only joking. It meant nothing.
    I was about to cry and I said: good for you jason. Those were the best moments of my entire miserable life and you were joking. (I dropped a tear).

    He said: I am so sorry Neil, I didnt mean to hurt you. You are one of my best friends and dont wanna lose you. I just want you to know that I accept you for who you are and that nothing's gonna change between us!.

    I said: Yeah lets keep joking. Come here grab my hand and give me your joking look the one you just gave me one week ago.

    I left the table and started walking to my building. I did wanna get myself killed or just dissapeared. He grabbed my arm just a few feets from the entrace of the building and said: Neil i am really sorry.

    I said: Just do me a favor jason. Dont tell anyone please. Im not coming out to anyone anytime soon. So please just keep it to yourself.

    He said: of course. But i want us to still be friends.

    I just walked away and went to my office.

    One of my girl friend told me: neil whats wrong? you look terrible.

    I just said: nothing. I just went to see my bank account status. Imagine how bad it is. We both laughed.

    He called me like 4 times. And he apologized to me on whatsapp a lot. I didnt answer.

    Guys. I am heartbroken and I really thought the answer was going to be different. Im not sure if i will be ablenl to overcome this. I feel so stupid ashamed and cheated right now that I just dont want to be alive anymore. It hurts so bad. Im not sure what to do now.

    Please help me. :'(
     
  7. BadCanadaJoke

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    Neil, listen to me. It's all gonna be fine. It is.
    I( believe it or not)am as heart broke by this news as you are... You will get through this and maybe you'll be able to even fix it. You should have talked to us before doing this. The fact that you were missing yesterday got me really worried and I thought you would do sth like that.

    I feel like such an idiot...I take partial responsibility for all this,for being overly enthusiastic, I am sorry if this all happened because of us(me actually :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:)... I did think you would ask for advice before doing anything,though...

    I know you feel terrible. But if what he says is true then he's in a very tight spot too. He knows you have feelings he can't reciprocate... I think you should pull yourself together and go talk to him. Accept his apology because he didn't know you would fall in love with him...

    Let him apologize to you. And maybe then you could both look past this...
    You are a wonderful person who deserves to be loved but you're unlucky enough to be in a minority and have a smaller "dating pool". Since Jason clearly told you he is straight, it's not his fault he can't go farther than being friends...

    At any case, you don't want to lose him and he wouldn't want to lose you.

    I don't want to give you any more hope about you guys ending up together. That probably won't happen. But you shouldn't let the simple fact of nature that you're both attracted to different people, separate you from each other...

    I have really taken your story to heart, we know that there isn't anyone else other than Jason who can understand how you feel, but WE do. We are here for you...
    Personally, I will be checking very very regularly on EC... I will be right here if you need someone to talk to...

    John.
     
  8. BadCanadaJoke

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    Think that you guys have no secrets now... This could bring you really close as friends...!
     
  9. Yossarian

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    I don't know if we have helped you or not. :frowning2: We certainly haven't helped you get what you wanted, but only Jason could do that. I suspect that several of us would like to kick him in the ass for the way he kept sending mixed signals to you, leading you on, instead of making his position obvious. Engaging with sex acts with you, when he knows you are gay, instead of drawing the line IF he is truly straight, is at best dishonesty, and certainly not something you should ever do to a friend. Since you still have feelings for him, let's be charitable and say he was exploring his own sexuality, rather than taking advantage of you, and decided that he was straighter than he was acting.

    What he HAS done is given you the opportunity to move beyond this situation which has held you captive for 7 years, and enabled you to start a search for someone who IS interested in you. You come across as a very sincere and emotional person who will make a great partner for the right person once you find him. You need now only to accept Jason's apology, decide how close you want to keep him as a friend so as not to extend any problems he has caused you, but start looking for someone better to love. You have NOTHING to be ashamed about; you were honest and opened yourself up to him telling him your true feelings. The fact that he did not feel the same way about you, is unfortunate, but is certainly no reason for you to feel that you don't want to be alive. Yeah, it sucks when you are hoping for something that does not come true, but you already knew that it was possible that it might turn out that way, and you had the courage and strength of character to take the chance and make yourself vulnerable to someone else. That courage is going to lead you the person who is right for you some day. He is out there somewhere; now that you are free of Jason, you can go find him.
     
  10. km1306

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    Chrys, I thought the same after I told him, maybe I should´ve asked for help. But anyway his reaction was gonna be the same. Don't worry about you being really enthusiastic about this, it made me realize that I needed to tell him even tough I was the one hurt, in someway after yesterday's rage and dissapointment I do feel more lighter it was the biggest weight I ever carried on my back and now is gone! I am depressed but I have hope that someday this will change and I will be happy in another place, with another person andfor sure another time. I need to get out this country I do for sure, I won't be able to move on here not from him, not from my family when I finally come out to them. I live in Guatemala and unfortunately this is a really homophobic country.

    When it comes to my relationship with Jason, I think it aint gonna get better at least for now. Im really damaged about what happened yesterday and there's nothing I can change, I cant make him gay because he is fully straight as he says, I know thats not 100% true. But I cant fight with it.

    I am reallly grateful with you. that you have take the time to read all this thread and give me your advice. coming to EC is the best I could have ever done. You guys gave me the courage to man up and tell him what I feel. It was not fortunate but at least I know the truth know.

    I will post in this thread if something happens, He will call me again and he will try to apologize Im sure about this. See what happens.

    I will be forever grateful. (*hug*)

    Neil

    ---------- Post added 19th Nov 2013 at 09:50 AM ----------


    Yossarian, hi thanks for the reply!
    I do for sure want to kick his ass. I dont want to think that everything he has done with me was dishonest or that he was trying to hurt me. However, If he is really straight as he states, then he was just playing with my feelings because as you told me before, he KNEW already that I was gay. I just needed to confirm it to him.
    I had the discussion and it turned out to be a fight with myself. There's nothing I can do to change his feeling and wheter he is gay, bi or he is straight he is not into me. It hurts but I will move on.
    Like I just wrote to Chrys I am lighter now, I am not carrying that weight anymore. It feels good to be out to you guys and also to him. I has been hell for sure. But I have a different point of view today.

    I need to get the hell out of this country before I can think of being with someone else. right now I have my family who loves me, my true friends and now you guys. I am really greateful to you for writing this message full of hope and I woke up reading this. and as everyone says. It gets better :slight_smile:

    I will now focus on college and my Job. Im gonna find someone someday and it will be better than this I know. I have to heal now. And let see where this takes me.

    I will keep you guys updated about what happens now. I think he will contact me.

    Thanks for everything! (*hug*)

    Neil.
     
  11. BadCanadaJoke

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    I am really happy you are hopeful about the future! Because all you said is true and I'm sure there is a place for all of us,somewhere over the rainbow, to quote Judy Garland.
    You will find that special someone.

    Realize that if Jason really is a Kinsey 0 straight as he says, then what happened was of no fault of his own, like you couldn't feel this way if a girl confessed to you, so can't he... But please don't throw you friendship away before listening to him, let him apologize, he must feel awful too. I feel like you both need each other, even as friends.

    Please don't disappear, please keep up updated on what happens, I will check on this thread daily. Also, if you need any help coming out to your friends and family, feel free to start a new thread, we'd all be happy to help you. That's what EC is here for :slight_smile:

    John.

    ---------- Post added 19th Nov 2013 at 07:01 PM ----------

    I'm sorry to say that but you do need to get out of there...! It's not a god environnement and you probably won't be happy there...
    I'm really glad you're planning on updating us :slight_smile:)) a hug from me too (*hug*)
    Again,
    John
     
  12. mav96213

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  13. BadCanadaJoke

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    may I correct what I said? I meant "good" environment. "Good".
    Not "god"... That would be dumb :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  14. bingostring

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    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hey Neil,

    I think we are all as surprised as you were that he says he is straight - after all those signs early on !!!!!

    So do not 'beat yourself up' too much.

    Your reaction was very genuine and understandable.

    Stick with your new friends on EC and keep us posted on developments in your life?

    Best

    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)

    ps: Your english is very good
     
  15. km1306

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 16, 2013
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Guatemala
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Wow!
    Really hard to find a song that describes these kind of scenarios. I loved the song and the video aswell. I did some research about Steve and WOW. He wrote this song for a guy he was in love with when he was in a Boy Scout Camp.

    This is hitting really hard on my right now, I feel depressed but I hope I can get over it.

    Thanks for reading and for the recomendation! :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 20th Nov 2013 at 09:45 AM ----------

    Thanks for reading the thread!

    Yeah I went really hard on him after he denied he was gay or bi. I feel bad in a way but I also feel relieved.

    It's hard to finally accept that even tough he had all these 'moments' with me, he is straight and he has no interest in men. I mean I don't really buy it, I've beeen thinking a lot of what he told me. However for me there's something missing, I know he doesn't want to be with me. I get it. But he has or had his doubts about it. We didn't hold hands once or just hugged really hard. This was something else and I could feel it in his look and in his body.

    If he is gay and after everything I told him he is not able to accept it. I mean I don't think he ever will. Because I mean I've been there too in completely denial and a few months ago I was already looking for this girl I could have married, have kids with and just be miserable and unhappy for the rest of my life. But I thought about it twice and I know I deserve to be happy and there's no need to hurt anyone just to be someone you are not. I finally accepted that I am different and that I won't be able to have a 'normal' family.

    At this point I hope he is really straight.

    Thanks for your advice. (*hug*)
     
  16. BadCanadaJoke

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2013
    Messages:
    308
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    Location:
    Not in Kansas anymore...
    have you heard from him since all that happened? Has he tried to contact you?