Here's my story(so far): I told my mum this June and she took it OK at first. Then she lost the ball... She told me I should have sex with a girl to make sure, she told me not to tell ANYONE(and basically I told no one after I told her, her reaction was THAT bad)and that I wasn't gay and it's all in my head(like ANYONE can convince a straight gay that he likes dudes..)... Lately, she and my dad are under the impression that I am deeply in love with a childhood friend of mine. A girl of course. We will call her "Linda". I though it was kinda funny of her to think that I liked Linda(couldn't she BE in more denial?! I think not.). So this other good friend of mine and I starting dropping hints that I thought that...Linda.. is very smart and funny and how good friends we are, to mess with my mum,feed her suspicions,you know... She's in such deep denial, might as well have some fun about it... I'm a horrible person I know.. Don't judge me..! Finally, the same friend(not Linda,the other one) told my mum, with my directive, that I said I don't find women attractive and I think having sex with a woman would disgust me... P). My mum's answer made me realize that this is not a laughing matter any more and I should set things straight with her... She said that she(the friend) shouldn't believe any stupid thing I tell her and that have gotten into my head... To me that means she's SERIOUS about me not being gay... Unfortunately, I don't live with her anymore so I can't settle this till Xmas break... I'm thinking of telling my dad and sister too. (the only reason I didn't tell them before was because my mum's reaction was SO negative I was scared theirs would be too). Do you guys have any advice on how to proceed? What do I do next? (Once this is all over I will register it on the coming out stories section, don't worry )
Pick up the phone and tell your dad and sister right now...either they will believe you and you'll have back-up when you confront your mum OR they won't believe you and you know how many idiots you have to confront later.
I like the point you're making but I would like to do it properly.. not by phone... :/ I guess I COULD tell my sister... by there would be no point in not telling my dad too :S I was thinking of showing her how stupid she sounds when all of them know and realize it's true... :S
My mother does not believe me either. She had a milder reaction, tbh, but, if it makes you feel better, here I am, in the same boat as you. :/ I've told my father who is is also in some sort of denial even though he took it better. My brother is worse than the Russian government when it comes to homophobia (or at least pretends to be?) so I'm not telling him yet. I suspect he knows deep inside him, though. Do you think your father or your sister could be one of those "knew-all-along" cases? I suppose that would help a lot if you were to come out..
Provided that you're up for it I would tell your sister and dad then confront your mum, hopefully with their support. I would also caution against showing her how stupid she sounds, this is clearly a big shock for her (not excusing her behavior) and she needs to work through it. It's entirely possible that when you see her at Christmas she'll have come around to the idea. If she hasn't then fine, that's her problem.
My sister maybe... My dad, even if he suspects it, he would still be surprised... I hope my sisters will be on my side once I'm out to all of them... :/ She's really OK with the whole thing... ---------- Post added 18th Nov 2013 at 06:48 PM ---------- Don't misunderstand, the reason why I realised that sth had to be done is because she WON'T be fine with it at Xmas... I was thinking of maybe telling my sister now, via skype and then telling both my parents at Xmas (yes my mum too). Get them together and tell them Like doing a re-coming out to her?!
You're dealing (with your mom) with the stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) and your mom is still stuck in denial. The only way to break past that is to be really emphatic, as in something like "We've had this conversation before, but I need you to listen and take it in this time. I'm gay, I'm certain of it, it's not going to change, I'm not going to delay telling others, and I'm never going to be interested in, or marry, a woman. You can deny it all you want, but that's not going to change it. It would be helpful to me if you can start to just accept me for who I am instead of trying to deny it." There's no guarantee that even a conversation like the above will make it clear, but it will be a lot harder for her to remain in denial after something like that. Be prepared for the next stage, though, which will most likely be anger.
thank you chip so much for your reply, I really appreciate it. You are correct, I don't think that a single conversation can change my mum's mind. But I will try having this conversation nonetheless.... I'm really keeping this in my "to say list" : I'm gay, I'm certain of it, it's not going to change, I'm not going to delay telling others, and I'm never going to be interested in, or marry, a woman. You can deny it all you want, but that's not going to change it. This is the absolute truth... But I've said all there is to be said. Everything. The problem is that she's stubbornly in denial. No argument can make her believe that you can be gay if you haven't slept with a woman first. Something mre will be needed. Maybe a lecture from my sister and maybe dad. Maybe the whole world telling her she's wrong... What I realized is that keeping it a secret from others is like making her believe it's not true and that it's reversible. I think she's been through anger... During the summer we were fighting constantly and she cried, I yelled, she yelled... And isn't the fact that she's trying to set me up with my childhood friend bargaining..!? I dunno... I would just like some advice on how to handle my dad and sister... Do I tell my sister that my mum knows or do I wait for christmas for my dad?
See how your sister reacts, because if she's cool about it then you can tell her what mum says. The last thing you want is for her to think 'well mum says its bad, so it's probably bad!' As for your dad, it depends. Personally I would want to tell him as far away from your mum as possible. On his own to give him an opportunity to get used to the idea without your mum's insanity.
There's no way my sister could respond bad,meaning she doesn't think gays are "bad" or anything. She's a huge fan of Troy Sivan for exemple and I know her views on the matter...She might go through the phases of loss like chip said but not anything extreme... What you said about my dad is a good idea... But there are some things that I feel I should tell to my dad that it'd be good for my mum to hear too... Should I maybe do it twice? Once for my dad and then go tell most of what I say to him to my mum too?
