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I've lost all confidence.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Holly, Nov 19, 2013.

  1. Holly

    Full Member

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    Hey, everyone. I haven't been on a lot recently, mostly because of school work, and the fact that I achieved a happy level of out-status and basically told everyone.

    I guess, all that excitement and rush of coming out has just died. I'm still relatively open about my sexuality with my friends, and that's the only happiness I really feel. It's been 3 months since I came out to my parents, and there has been no mention of it. My mum has started discussing guys again. I now hide my pride bracelet, and I know I need to fix things with my parents, but I've just lost all confidence with it. I don't want to go through that emotional experience of coming out to them again, and the one thing that just sticks out was my mum's disappointment. I know she will always love me, and wants me to be happy, but I know that that idealised dream she had of her little girl getting married and having children changed.

    I've been wearing my pride bracelet at school, but under my jumper/coat. I just think about all the judgements that come from my peers, and the frequent shouts of 'gay' and 'faggot' used as derogatory slang randomly in the hallways has made me even more insular. I don't want that judgement, the talks and the looks. I want to speak out in Sociology about Russia and how being different gives you a better outlook on society. I want to relate to a character in the novel we're studying in English and explain how I understand where he's coming from, and tell my class that. I want to have the confidence to talk about my creative writing, many of which is focused on social expectations and being gay.

    Don't get me wrong, I am proud of who I am, it's just become far more personal, and now I feel like I'm back at stage one where I was coming to terms with my sexuality. I'm gay, I know that, and I'm happy with it. What can I say? I like the ladies. I don't know if it's because I have no hope for a relationship before I go to University, and that I feel really lonely. Or that my parents silence are getting me down. I just feel like all my confidence has gone.
     
  2. OuterSpaceACE

    Regular Member

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    I can relate to this in some ways. I came out to my mother as asexual finally after she continued to pester me about getting married when I was around 25. There is this weird additional thing when you come out as asexual where people expect you to follow that up with "by asexual I really mean gay" I guess so they can then go back to the whole "just try guys" argument. She didn't know how to react when I said I was not interested in anyone. She pretty much stopped trying to get me to go out with guys which was nice. But I don't really know how my parents feel about it. I'm not sure I'm the type to care really.

    What does really suck is that weird irrational feeling of embarrassment despite being out and proud. Whenever I start a new job it always comes up and I dread the conversation every time because I can see in people's faces how weird they think I am. Or how much they secretly disagree with my identity. I don't need that, but it's just this strange thing that being judged does to you, drags you into feeling self-conscious. I have found that people generally respond to me a little better when I can power through it and be confident. When I am even a little self-conscious, it's like adversarial people can sense that, and they capitalize on it by ridiculing and making fun.

    The only outward symbol of being asexual that I display is my black ring on the right hand middle finger, but I seriously doubt people recognize that. Your post sort of makes me want to wear an asexual pride flag bracelet and also an LGBT one so that anyone who is LGBT might see it and get a little boost of confidence for the day. I hope you get your confidence back. You deserve to be respected.
     
  3. StellarJ1

    Regular Member

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    Just the fact that you told your parents, friends, and facebook is amazing! I wish I could be as honest about myself with others as you are.

    is there any LGBTQ support or social opportunities around you. It is hard if you are doing this alone. It really helps to have others around you who have gone through this, and can be a reference of strength and normalcy when you are feeling low. (I should take my own advice!)