So here is my story, I'm a twenty year old guy who is finally starting to admit to myself that I'm gay/bi, but I don't want to admit it to everyone else. I seem like a regular straight college guy who likes girls, sports, and beer so I doubt anyone has major suspicions. I mean i do like girls to some extent but they don't turn me on the way guys do. I've also known I had these feelings since i hit puberty but am finally accepting them now, which took a while. But I've known deep down inside that I am and that has prevented me from entering any kind of relationship with a girl or guy. I'd browse things like ****** and entertain the possibility but never follow through because i don't want to the reprecussions of someone telling anyone else that i'm gay. I also come from a conservative Jewish family that keeps asking why I don't bring any girls home which i have bullshit saying i'm just playing the field. I know if I come out my mom might accept it but everyone else would look down and judge me. The same pretty much goes for my friends, I'm in a frat and hangout with guys you would call "bros" and even though there are other gay guys in this frat I'm still worried about being judged. I mean it's commonplace to make fun of the other guys in a joking matter because they are proud and take it in stride. I'm not that confident so that even joking around might crush me. I'm also pretty sure one of my "brothers" is a case like me except is more flamboyant and i see the way other people judge him. I sometimes wonder about biting the bullet and just blurting it out, but if i lose my friends and family i have nothing, which is why i'm so hesitant to bring it up. This has led me to be depressed and feeling alone and I just don't know what to do. I want to live a happy life and I feel I can do that as a gay man, but I'm scared of change and rejection. I just want to be happy and this is really holding me back. I hope you guys can give me some advise.
Congratulations on the progress you've made in accepting some truths about yourself! The good news is that you don't have to tell everyone at once. In fact, you can move at whatever speed you choose. I feel like there are opportunities with certain people whom I just know(or suspect) that I am ready to come out to. It's all about your comfort level. There are a few people in my life who I told that has worked out well for me. It has helped me accept myself a little more. There have been a few where I think I forced things a bit for the wrong reasons. But it has been a learning experience, either way. There is no perfect way to do this. I definitely made sure that the people I did come out to were people that I could trust. If you want to come out to someone. Make an intuitive decision about who will be loving and supportive, and trustworthy. One step at time. It is helpful to find people in the LGBTQ community to talk with that can help support your transition. Whether it be in person or in these forums!
If they're really your "brothers"/friends you can go to them with your struggles. Right now you're worrying about the worst case scenario, which sounds unlikely. Seriously, you won't lose everyone when there's other gay guys in the frat. Let me tell you, it's hard to build that confidence when you're in the closet. You're still internalizing the jokes they make about the other guys. As long as it's not overly cruel, like just calling them "f----" but more like "Make sure to sleep on your back if you're sharing a room with Jake." That kind of thing, believe me, you will get used to. But not if in the closet. I would get super annoyed by the family always butting in like that. I'd probably tell them i slept with 4 girls last week and then come out a bit later, just to compare the reactions. You could try just telling them to leave you alone about it.
I was also in a frat in college so I know exactly what your feelings are about that situation. In fact, even though like you I have accepted that I am gay, coming out to those guys is my absolute worst nightmare even though I know there are others like me. There are a couple of other active posters on here that were in frats, so you are certainly not alone (though you seem to know that). Being in a fraternity I think is a unique culture that is hard to describe to someone that hasn't been in it. I certainly sympathize with trying to fit in with everyone else and project the image of a confident, getting wasted, hooking up with girls fun loving person. I was that person for a while, but when college is over trying to project that image gets very old, very fast because getting drunk and chasing girls isn't what you want to be doing. Being in college, frankly, isn't anything like the real world. You live in a bubble in the most literal sense of the word. Much like you, I also struggle with insecurity and confidence and still have a hard time living the life I want vs. living the life that is expected of me/what all my friends are doing. It is hard feeling like you are the only gay person in your world. I had a very hard time even admitting to myself that I was gay and certainly still have a hard time. In addition, like yourself, I am deathly afraid of change. Graduating college was incredibly hard for me because I felt very comfortable among my friends. Well-liked in my fraternity, lots of friends. But as my signature indicates, we only change when the discomfort of standing still becomes greater than the fear of change. This is what I am going through. It comes to a point where your (or in my case, my) unhappiness is forcing me to change because I don't want to live like that anymore. I don't want to be afraid of pursuing a relationship or doing the things that make me happy. You just get sick of putting on a facade and that feeling becomes greater than the fear of making changes in your life. best of luck,
hey! it's great that you're reflecting on your life and asking for help and thinking about the next step people gave good advice above -- change and rejection is something we ALL deal with sooner or later and it's not comfortable. what you can do for yourself is try and implement whatever change step by step. be easy on yourself. it's unrealistic to totally transform your lifestyle in 2 weeks, and it's not gonna help anyone if you end up being frustrated with yourself. also, energy that goes into keeping some sort of facade (bros and family) is probably more stressful than just letting yourself be surrounded with nice (nice and supportive is important) people who like you as a gay guy
