1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

My Story and Inability to Talk About It

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by SixesAndSevens, Nov 21, 2013.

  1. SixesAndSevens

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2013
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi,


    This forum has been a source of comfort and reassurance through the past couple of years. So to be posting here is quite... well different. Throughout my life, my family have loved and supported me, yet I still have difficulty expressing my true thoughts and emotions. My mum has always said that she hopes that I share all my thoughts with her. I have shared some of my darkest thoughts with her, yet I can't bring myself to say this.

    Anyway, everybody has their own story and here's a concise version on mine.

    I kissed a boy (or two!) in primary school and tried to get intimate with my best friend (blimey, you have no end of self confidence when you're that young!). Nothing sexual of course, just very early inclinations I suppose. I never really thought about those events until much later.

    When I went to secondary school, I developed a crush on a boy which lasted until I left there. It was my attraction to him that made me question my sexuality and realise that I might actually like the same gender. I also had this friend who spent all his time with me and people started suspecting he and I were boyfriends which wasn't true. Even my parents thought something of it when he bought me an Easter egg one year. I must admit, I spent a heck of a lot of time denying being gay. I always feel like I was the last one to know! I was never bullied, but at the same time I've never been the most social person, so I got along with almost everybody but I only had a small group of close friends.

    One day after school, a guy from one year senior (he would have been about 15 and me 14) started asking if I wanted to have sex with him. Being a naïve kid at the time, I didn't know what to say but thankfully turned him down. He kept asking why not but left me alone in the end. That's the single biggest event which really made me think about my sexuality but I never spoke to him again. I kept telling myself I couldn't be gay because I didn't conform to the stereotypes – you can thank the media for that! Of course everything started to fit together when I thought about my past and my true feelings.

    All the while, it turned out that my closest female friend had a crush on me but I didn't find out until my last day at school (I study from home) from a hand written note she sent to me via another friend. I never told her why I couldn't reciprocate, or anything at all which has always played a bit on my conscience since.

    Not that it's important, but I for one don't consider myself to show many of the typical stereotypes of being gay, yet since the last year of primary school, I always had people asking if I was gay. My dad's asked me outright twice to which I never denied nor confirmed. I keep getting the impression that my parents know (huh, surprise, surprise I know!). My mum will say things like "I hope you're not keeping anything to yourself".

    The trouble is, I have no truly compelling reason to come out right now. It's not like I have a boyfriend or a prospect of one in the near future. It's not like it's something that defines me, yet at the same time it feels constrictive not to tell anyone (and a surprising relief when I first posted on here). It bothers me that I have such little ability to talk about my own emotions, when I'm near certain that it would change nothing at all.

    I don't really know what sort of advice I'm looking for, but it certainly feels good to air my thoughts and I'd love some input.
     
  2. Choirboy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,672
    Likes Received:
    427
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You may very well have no compelling reason to come out "officially" now. Judging from the stories here, it's a bigger deal for some people than for others.

    What probably would be helpful is to really think about all those feelings and sort them out in your head. Even if coming out is not really on your radar at the moment, it can become a much bigger deal if you ignore it all indefinitely. There are many of us here who are much older than you, who felt the same feelings, and either ignored them, or had "no compelling reason to come out". Unfortunately, if you defer them till later, many other things and people can come into your life, which can bury those feelings deeper and defer them longer. When I was your age I didn't really even have a concept of what "gay" really was, but as got into my 20's, I was very reluctant to deal with the feelings and buried them, pretty effectively. I felt like I had more compelling reasons NOT to come out than to actually DO it.

    Problem is, the feelings were still there, and eventually they came to the surface, but by that time, I was married and had lids to think about. So come out when you are ready, but know who you are and live your life based on that. You will end up much happier in the long run if you don't ignore things, just because there's no big reason to face them right now. Don't let the "compelling reason" end up being that you've ignored being gay so long that you just can't do that anymore. Don't wait that long.
     
  3. SixesAndSevens

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2013
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks. One of my biggest problems is knowing how I feel and knowing I'm gay and associating that back to the other parts of my life. It's almost like having two halves to my life. I know it shouldn't and mustn't stay that way forever but every time I start feeling a bit more confident, I rein myself back again into feelings of worry and uncertainty.
     
  4. SixesAndSevens

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2013
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi again,

    I can't believe it's almost been two weeks since I first posted here. In that time, I've started to feel that bit more comfortable with my sexuality. It certainly feels that the more I read and post here, the more I think it through and the more I feel normal in myself. In a way though, it feels odd being so at peace with my own thoughts.

    I still can't imagine coming out right now though. I just don't know how my parents would react. I 'm almost certain they'd be supportive and I can just imagine my mum having a go at me over making a big fuss over nothing. At the same time, I can't imagine saying the words out loud. The idea of talking about something like sexuality with my parents just feels totally alien. Then I'm also worried it would affect my currently close relationship with my grandparents (not exactly the most open minded of people at the best of times) if they were to find out.

    It feels quite lonely not being able to talk. I'm just glad this forum is here with the helpful contributions people make.
     
  5. Kreiger

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2013
    Messages:
    307
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    I feel exactly the same way. I live in a pretty good community and I think the only people who would react negatively would be my grandparents, but I also don't really see the point in coming out publicly. I'm in my senior year, and coming out would most likely be extra work explaining stuff to people and whatnot.
    Glad to know this forum helps you get stuff off your chest, it does for me too.
     
  6. Yossarian

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2013
    Messages:
    1,814
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Come out when you are ready. You aren't ready yet. But when you are, don't delay it thinking it is going to go away if you meet the right girl. It won't. When you meet someone you like and they feel the same about you, and you want to be out and open about it, you will probably be ready then. Meanwhile, if it makes you feel better to talk about how you are feeling to someone, do it here.
     
  7. ninerw

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2013
    Messages:
    153
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City
    Coming out doesn't need to be all at one time. It sounds like you need to take this time to accept and explore your sexuality. Live in it and get comfortable with it because if you repress it it's just going to fester on the inside. Trust me, I just came out to myself and my best friend after at least 10 years of struggling. A weight has been lifted off and I immediately freaked out because I wanted to tell everyone, but I knew that I had to slow down and smell the roses.

    Things happen for a reason. Times change and people change. So take this time for your self. Get used to who you are. Find support in friends or groups that can allow you to talk. I admit, EC is a great place to talk, but it gets hard to just talk to a screen. Find an actual person you can talk to and let it out.

    Good luck to you!
     
  8. shadowregent

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2013
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dallas
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I definitely agree that it helps to post and talk about it here, especially when you don't have anyone else to talk about it with. It seems your parents suspect and are hinting that they would be supportive, so I think that a very compelling reason to come out to them would be so that you could talk to them about it. Don't take your parent's support for granted, that's what they're there for. But also, don't come out to them until you feel you're ready. I know I don't live up to the gay stereotype either so it's hard to consider yourself gay when you're not like everyone else who is. Take time to think it over but, maybe your parents would have some helpful things to say to you, they do know you better than anyone.
     
  9. SixesAndSevens

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2013
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for all the replies! :slight_smile:

    I know what you mean about having to explain. And there's always the potential for the dreaded "how do you know?" or "are you sure?" questions.

    I see what you mean. I don't think I'd ever date a girl anyway; just the thought of it feels even more awkward than imagining dating a guy! Which is probably a good sign that I'm more understanding with regards to my sexuality.

    Thanks. I know coming out for me is not something that I'll decide to do overnight, but at the same time I always feel like it's something almost tangible. Finding somebody to talk to is more difficult than it seems (for the moment at least).

    Thank you for your helpful advice. It certainly helps a lot to post here. It seems totally irrational seeing as we're all anonymous here, but I felt nervous and anxious about posting here initially, yet since I have, I've felt like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Just talking makes things seem much better.

    Thanks again for all the kind replies. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Pete1970

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2013
    Messages:
    318
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Connecticut
    I agree with Choirboy. You dont have to come out right now, but know that these feelings will never go away. They may "disappear" for periods of time but will always be there waiting to resurface. While i dont regret having kids, life would have been alot easier and less painfull had i had the courage back then. I wish there were resources like this back when i was your age(heck we barely had computers let alone the internet).