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Parents Discovered I'm Not Strait Before I Was Ready To Come Out To Them

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by StormySea, Nov 23, 2013.

  1. StormySea

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    Well, long story short, my parents discovered about me being genderblind through my cousin and caught me completely off guard by approaching me in the middle of the night yesterday/this morning about it. I didn't really know how to respond to my moms questions and just kind of nodded when she asked if I was sure I liked both boys and girls (I was half asleep and really concerned this morning that I'd dreamt the whole thing up - unfortunately I didn't), and she was in tears and going on about how the family would just have to get used to everything, but she was obviously disappointed in me.

    This morning I woke up and no one was in the house, so I wrote a note explaining that I had planned to tell both her and my dad about being genderblind when I was over 18, what genderblind meant exactly, that I currently wasn't looking for any sort of relationship with anyone, how I preferred the term genderblind to pansexual, how my close friends already knew about my sexuality and so did a few other members of my family, and I ended the letter telling her that I knew she and my dad loved me unconditionally and I loved them too, but I didn't expect them to be proud or completely understand and I would answer any questions they had and could direct them here if they didn't want to ask me but wanted answers.
    It's probably important to point out that both my parents are strong republicans and fairly homophobic. When my mom read the letter this morning she said that it would just take her a long time to get used to it and that she probably would've preferred to discover when I was older and that she wished things were different. She also asked if I hated her or my dad for some reason or felt they had done something wrong raising me, but I said no - which is true, I mean the only thing I wish they'd done differently was not raise my brother and I to believe that anything other then being strait was basically an abomination to society.

    And so this is where I am now. I don't know if there's more I can do at the moment except give it time? I don't think my parents are going to warm up to the idea. I overheard them talking to each other and they think it's just a phase and that I've spent too much time around gay people that now I think I'm gay...

    Anyway, any advice that I could get on what to do here on out would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for such a long post, I meant for it to be shorter.
    (I just feel so unprepared and exposed. I knew this day would come, but not like this. I don't know how to handle it...)
     
    #1 StormySea, Nov 23, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2013
  2. BookDragon

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    Well, the note sounds good, hopefully it'll help.

    To be honest there isn't much you CAN do now, except maybe keep an ear out for the next homophobic thing they say and bring it up then. Ideally you want them to change their position on non-straight sexuality so you need to be able to bring it up at some stage.

    As for their thoughts that it might be a phase, well what can you do, other than carry on as you are. You can't show them the future.
     
  3. StormySea

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    Thanks Ellia :3
    I've already had the 'gay debate' with my mom and was able to shoot every argument she had down with every logical and non-ethos argument I could, and she basically ended the argument with 'Well I just don't feel like it's right'. Unfortunately both of my parents are pretty stubborn about their own views and I not sure how much more I can do that hasn't already been done. I don't really think they'll want to listen to any argument I come up with for non-strait sexuality because now they'll think I'm biased.

    Yeah, I guess. I'm just upset that I've made them so upset and stressed just for being me. I'm tempted to take it all back but I know that would be a lie and the wrong thing to do...

    But anyway, thank you so much for responding! x3

    ---------- Post added 23rd Nov 2013 at 03:38 PM ----------

    ((Only somewhat related: I've told some friends about what's going on and I'm surround by the most ridiculously caring people, I don't understand how I even deserve to know them xD So they're being huge help as well and I now have 4 places to go if things take a turn for the worse.

    Unfortunately, this is all happening around when I'm still submitting college applications, so I just lost my english major peer reviewer and it's not exactly like I feel like cranking out a few essays at the moment. Guess I'll just hole myself up in my room and study for the time being. .~. )
     
    #3 StormySea, Nov 23, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2013
  4. StormySea

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    Sort of update: My mom has stated that she won't be hireing anyone to work around the family if she even suspects them of being gay so that I'm 'not influenced' anymore by the LGBT community. :/
     
  5. Necrose

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    Harsh. Best you can do is what you've already done. The ball is in your parents' court now. Their child is not completely straight. They need to get used to that fact.
     
  6. D43054

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    I'd suggest that they follow the lead of another prominent republican... Dick Cheney...

    It may not suit their ideals... But this is truly about their problem... Not yours. Your role now is to help support them as they learn to accept this news and embrace you. You're right, they love you... and they'll adjust.
     
  7. StormySea

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    Thanks for responding guys. I guess I'm nervous about forcing the facts on them. They don't seem too interested in talking about it at the moment...
    From what little snippets of conversation I've heard, it seems like they don't really believe pansexuality or genderblind are real sexualities. I've already explained to them what both mean and why I prefer the term genderblind, but they're just shrugging it off as either bisexual or 'confused teenager'.
    Again, thanks for responding, and sorry if some of this is starting to sound like ranting - I'm trying not to rant on them xS
     
  8. StormySea

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    Okay, so my parents are talking about me going to therapy (I'm not entirely sure what they intend for me to do there, but I'm assuming it's to make me 'see the error of my ways').
    Should I comply with what they're telling me to do or is this a bad idea that I should avoid entirely? I'd go if it makes them happy, but I'm not going to have a sudden revelation that I'm strait (one of the few things I'm certain will never happen). So I guess it's a waste of time and money if I go, and while I may not be perfect, I don't need therapy for my mental wellbeing and it seems like they only want me to go because I'm genderblind...
     
  9. CupcakeKisses

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    Hey StormySea, sorry to hear that you are dealing with this :frowning2: I don't believe you should go to therapy just to make them happy. I had a friend that was in a similar situation. He was gay, came out to his parents. They sent him to therapy. The therapist tried to "heal" his of his "homosexual tendencies" and he's never been the same since. He went from being happy and outgoing to sad and introverted. I would just explain to your parents that therapy is not going to change you. That you are who you are and you will support them and help them understand who you are. They will come around eventually, just offer them as much time as they need.
     
  10. StormySea

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    Oh yikes, I'm sorry your friend had to go through that. D: To be honest, I was really eavesdropping when I heard about them discussing therapy, but if they bring it up with me face to face I think I have a pretty good idea of what to tell them now.
    Thanks CupcakeKisses! :3
     
  11. CupcakeKisses

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  12. StormySea

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    My brother just beat me up over this whole situation after calling me a faggot all day. It was my fault because I confronted him about the jeering and made physical contact first, then he stabbed my hand with a pen and trashed my room. The thing is my parents didn't do anything. They didn't correct him once all day with the name calling, but it obviously unnerved them, which is why I confronted him in the first place - it was hurting them more then me.
    My mom's talking to him right now, but from what little of the conversation I can pick on, I think she's saying he's justified because I started it.

    Now I really don't know what to do or who's on what side, although I'm fairly certain it's me verses everyone else... I tower over my brother at 5'5, but he still scares me. I could talk to my parents, but honestly at this point in time they don't want to talk to me. I can't just hit him back either because then I'll just get in trouble as the older sibling and reenforce my moms stereotype that people that aren't strait have a lot of built up anger and are dangerous. (No, I know the people in my family are misguided, but they're the only family I've got.)

    Also if anyone could tell me if limbs going numb after getting a deep cut is normal that would be great because half my hand keeps doing this dead limb thing I'm trying not to worry about it, but maybe I should be.
     
  13. CupcakeKisses

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    You need to get to a hospital about that cut. It's not exactly normal for a limb to go numb. Also, is there a positive space you can go to for now? Maybe someone at the hospital will be able to help you by directing you to someone who can maybe mediate the situation. It's one thing for people to not understand you, it's another thing for them to get physical about it. Nobody should be putting their hands on you. Keep us updated! Major hugs to you! I hope everything works out (*hug*)
     
  14. SimpleMan

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    You need to go to the hospital. Your brother obviously needs some help with his anger issues as well.

    You should also approach your school guidance counselor about everything going on in your life right now. It is important to to have a trusted adult to confide in who can look at your situation more objectively and help protect you.
     
  15. scanner007

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    StormySea,

    Wow, what a crappy deal. I'm sorry things are going down like this for you. Stories like this, and fear are what kept me in closet well into adulthood. Hang tough. I have a feeling things are just beginning for you, and you should prepare yourself for the toll it could take on you, having your parents and family react this way towards you. Try not to let them get you too down, there are still many better days ahead.

    If you have somewhere you could go and stay even for a few days, it might not be a bad idea. This will give your family time to adjust and think about things. Its especially troubling to hear about your brother calling you gay slurs and fighting with you and stabbing you deep enough in your hand to give you possible nerve damage (which is why your hand feels funny). Give your wounds figuratively and literally, time to heal. (and go to the doctor) And if they ask, why you want to leave, you can just tell them you don't like the word, faggot, its just as bad as nigger when its used in a hateful way, as it devalues one's self-worth and you'd like to go stay somewhere with someone who feels you are worthwhile. Hopefully, that will give them something to think about and I think some time for you to sort out a few things as well.

    Whether you leave or not, I would consider writing them a letter. I would say, have a talk, but from your post, it sounds like they really aren't willing to listen yet, and Id say theres some crucial information you should get to them.

    Judging from your posts it seems, you have known about your sexuality for some time now have come to accept it at least to the point where you are somewhat comfortable with it.
    I would include in your letter, how you first began to feel that way, and how long it took you to come to accept it. And maybe add, that you don't expect them to be ok with it either at first, because it took you a long time to accept things yourself.

    On the therapy, you have to be careful about this, I've seen some great advice given here on EC about this, of course they don't seem to be zoned in on your thread at the moment. But basically you wanna watch out for reparative or conversion therapy and also what is the religious denomination the therapist belongs to. Avoid any kind of therapy offered by the church.

    If they bring therapy up with you, or maybe even just mention in your letter that you've thought about therapy. I would suggest you propose waiting 2-3months until things are calmer. You need to articulate to them, that this isn't some quick fix or something thats going to go away, they can't usher you off to therapy and think the dust will settle and everythings going to be fine in a couple weeks. Right now, everyone is highly emotional, crying, stabbing each other, calling names, just too distraught to think clearly and rationally, so I perhaps you could suggest a cool off period before anyone does anything. If they insist on counseling, perhaps suggesting family therapy as the better option now and then individual therapy later.

    Now theres two things you mentioned about what your mom said,
    This suggests that your mom probably needs therapy, or a friend, or someone with a practical and compassionate outlook on life to speak with her more than anyone.
    Your mom (and possibly your dad and brother) don't see your sexuality as an innate characteristic that you were born with, they see this as a PROBLEM. And like all problems, they are trying to troubleshoot the problem to find causes so that they can "help you" find a solution.
    Your parents right now, really do believe that you are the confused teenager. They think perhaps they made an error in raising you, that you are acting out or that you were influenced (ha ha recruited) by someone else who is gay or perhaps molested. They don't understand how it would be possible to be anything but straight, because they are straight.
    They need time, education and perhaps if you remind them that you're still the same person you've always been and tell them again that you love them no matter what. And all you want in return in their love.
     
    #15 scanner007, Nov 24, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2013
  16. StormySea

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    Thanks so much for the support and advice guys, you are all such amazing people.
    I got my mom to look at my hand - she's a physician - and she said it wasn't as bad as it looked. It still hurts and is kind of stiff but it's way better today then it was last night.

    I would leave my house as soon as I could if I were in a situation where that was possible, (I've had numerous friends tell me I can stay with them, which is so ridiculously awesome of them to do) but right now I'm in the middle of college applications. I have four apps due in the next 5 days and that's not exactly something I can hold off on until all of this dies down.

    So far I've really just kept myself in my room and tried to have as limited interactions with my family as possible which, until my brother came home, was working okay... I'll definitely write that letter scanner007- that's seems like the most logical thing to do at the moment.
    I'm planning to just flat out refuse therapy if they bring it up, but suggesting family therapy might be a good idea. I know everone in my family has their own issues they need to resolve and that would be one way to confront them.
    Again thank you so much for this. I don't know where is be without you guys! >~<