Why can't I bring myself to come out just yet? Is this normal?

So, I was supposed to go and visit my friend yesterday. I had in my mind that I was ready to come out to her. She knows I've had something on my mind for a while that I haven't been telling her. I was going to explain that I have been trying to figure out some things about my feelings and that I am attracted to girls.

BUT... I couldn't go through with it. I made an excuse and didn't go to see her. I think I'd been putting too much pressure on myself, telling myself that this would be the day I'd say it. I couldn't face being with her and not telling her AGAIN!

Although I've been questioning my sexuality for years, it's only really very recently that I've come out to MYSELF properly. I've realised that accepting my orientation, and dealing with the consequences of that acceptance are two separate issues. I'm gay. And I've realised I'm totally fine with feeling that way in the privacy of my own head. But it still feels so hard to write it down and say it out loud, because it feels like I've made some kind of life changing decision. It is ridiculous to feel its a decision. It isn't. It's just who I am. I've realised I have probably only been doubting the fact I'm gay due to a fear of how my life would change if it was true; dealing with judgement, opioids and reactions of others.

Strangely, I feel kind of relieved I haven't said anything just yet, that I didn't tell my friend yesterday. I think I was trying to rush forwards too fast. I feel a little disappointed in myself but I think I've done the right thing for me. It's as though I need some time where I can just feel what it's like to be comfortable with being gay in my own head and heart. Like a period of time where I'm ok with it and NOT doubting myself for once! I guess I'm scared that dealing with others reactions too soon might send me back to that awful place of questioning and self doubt.

So my question is... Is it normal to feel this way, is this a normal part of the process? Or am I just still in denial but I don't realise it? How long does it take between coming out to yourself and feeling ready to share that with others? Do you just have to push through the fear of knowing you can't take the words back once you've said them or should it feel right? I know everyone is different but hearing about others views and experiences may help...

 

Thank you all for your encouragement. It is certainly useful to have EC as a place to talk when there is no way of talking to anyone else in your life right now!

I have watched Ash Beckham's talk about closets before. I've just watched it again now and every word of it is inspirational and rings true in some way.

I guess I'm just feeling that I need a little while to be at peace with myself and my past and present thoughts and feelings without them being clouded by the thoughts and opinions of the important people in my life. I feel taking that time to become 'happy' and comfortable with the fact that I'm gay, rather than only feeling just about 'ok' about it, could make coming out that little bit easier. I suppose I feel I'm less likely to fall into the trap of apologising for who I am and the hurt its caused if I've been happy and accepting of it myself for a while. If this means staying in the closet and delaying that hard conversation just a little longer, then so be it. I'm not sure how long it'll take but I'm sure I'll know when the time is right to say something.

Who should be the first person with which I have that 'hard conversation'? That is the next question I need to answer for myself!

 

Haha funny you can come across someone on the other side of the world in the same predicament as you isn't it! I know what you mean about procrastinating. One day I'm 100% sure I'll say something. But, the next day I convince myself that my friend won't react well, or it's too soon. I suppose its at the back of my mind that once I've said it I can't take it back and change my mind. I too regret not standing up to homophobia from others more than I do, but I guess it sometimes feels too risky to be really defensive incase you're asked a question you don't want to answer just yet. I guess maybe it'll never feel totally right so we just got to go for it... Hope you find the courage soon (*hug*)

---------- Post added 25th Nov 2013 at 12:33 PM ----------

I suppose that part of my problem is that I actually don't have that many close friends. I have 2 close friends that I really value, only one of whom I could talk to about stuff like this though. I've always had issues trusting people in general. It's like I just push people away without realising it. Its like my subconscious is telling me the fewer people I get emotionally attached to, the less likely I am to get hurt when they get taken away. It all stems back to some very traumatic events in my teenage years where my father nearly died, so I knew all too well how much it hurt to lose someone you love. But it's something I'm working hard to change. It's a terrible way to approach relationships and has led to me being pretty lonely. I do wonder if part of it is down to the fact I have never been able to form bonds with friends because I've not been able to talk openly about my feelings so I probably come across as secretive and cold. Who knows!? Maybe this would all improve if I was open about my true self.

At least not having that many close relationships in life means theres not many people to tell!! The one and only friend I do really feel I could tell is actually not very interconnected with the rest of my life at all, similar to how you describe your friend. She lives quite a distance away so we rarely see each other; I'd always thought she wouldn't be ideal to provide support, but thinking again maybe I'm wrong. I think she may be a good place to start before I tell my parents (who i still live with, and it is my mum's reaction which matters most to me). Aside from that the only other people in my life who matter are my extended family (aunties, uncles, cousins etc). I'm pretty sure they would possible tolerate me at most but not really accept me if I came out because they all frequently talk of homosexuals as if they are strange/ abnormal. I suppose I may be proven wrong in many cases.

Apologies for my waffling. Like you say, writing it down helps!