Hi, im not sure if this is the right place to post this. But i really need some advice. I have always been extremely confident in my sexuality (straight) however i spent a year travelling on my own and decided to take a break with my girlfriend at the time of 4 years. Whilst away i developed a extremely strong feeling of being lost, loneliness and depression. Very quickly i developed this overwhelming feeling that i was gay. Not feelings towards men, but just that i was gay. I have had this for almost a year and has made me become extremely depressed. I have looked into the counselling service at my university, because i definitely feel as though i've developed some mental health issues, however i don't know if i am feeling depressed because of thinking i'm gay or if i'm thinking i'm gay because i'm depressed. I'm very liberal, and if i genuinely thought i was gay would have no problem with it or letting people know. I think guys can be good looking, not in a sexual way, but because i am constantly having these thoughts whenever i see a guy it makes me think whether im attracted to him. It is also making me pursue women far more than i would normally, almost to prove to myself that i am straight. And because of all the stresses i have found it hard to maintain an erection with women. I have tried looking at gay images and attractive guys, and it doesn't arose me, but i can't seem to get this thought out of my head. It feels like because im having all these thoughts i am becoming more drawn to men, but it doesn't feel natural. I really need some kind of help or advice because i don't know what to do, and it is really getting me down.
Hi joshuabengrove. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way but I promise you're not alone. I'm going through something very similar. I was in a relationship with a girl, I spent the last year travelling, my depression flared up just before I came home and now I'm having to ask myself some serious questions about my sexuality. Like you I would consider myself to be very liberal and I always assumed that I would be fine with the idea of being gay but now I'm not so sure. I don't know which came first but I can't help but feel that right now it doesn't matter. I think it's great that you're looking into getting some counselling. Talking to someone, whether they're a qualified therapist or just a friend, can be really helpful when it comes to dealing with depression. I'll give you this link to a survey that the British healthcare system uses to help diagnose depression: PHQ 9 Survey.
can you pinpoint anything that sparked you being convinced that you're gay? i mean, from the outside it doesn't seem like you are to me so that's why i'm wondering if you can think of anything specific that might have set it off
If I'm being completely honest, it was after taking a hallucinogenic drug. i have almost no recollection of the night, but i woke up feeling like death, extremely anxious and this thought in my head telling me i was gay. I know that i had gone to bed with a girl but thats it. Since then i almost have it as an anxiety which is just constantly sitting at the back of my head. Everyday will go in swings of almost panicking that im gay and then feeling completely straight again. I just want to be clear that i have no problems about being gay, if i felt sexually towards men i would be fine with it. It's just this thought that i can't get out of my head, and because of constantly thinking about it, it feels like its almost making me more gay? Like if i see an attractive man, i will now see him and acknowledge that he is a attractive person, but i'm not attracted to him? ---------- Post added 24th Nov 2013 at 03:48 PM ---------- Thank you for the responses btw. It's really good to be able to talk about something which has been in my head for a long time.
maybe it was just one of the byproducts of the hallucinogen. maybe while you were on it, one of the thoughts you had was related to gayness and for some reason it just kind of stuck in the back of your mind. you can be aware that a guy is attractive but not want be sexually attracted to him personally. i'm not trying to downplay your concerns or anything and in the end only you can really know where you lie. i'm just saying from an outside looking in perspective you don't seem to be gay actually. i just feel like where you said you wouldn't mind if you were, if you actually were it would be a little bit more clear or there'd be a bit more evidence.
