Hi EC, So I've been going through the process of coming out. And last night I came out to one of my closest friends. He was the friend I was most nervous about coming out to, I'm not sure excactly why but I think it's because the thought of loosing him as a friend scared me more than some of my other friends. Anyway, upon coming out to him we had a small awkward silence, which seems to always happen, so I kept talking to fill the gap. Tried to answer some common questions like how long have so known and who knows, before he asked them. And then he said "since you're good at keeping secrets, I'm gay too." While I had suspected he was gay, and had thought this a possible outcome of me coming out; I was still a little shocked. To cut a long story short, I'm the first person he's ever come out to. And I feel a little guilty for somewhat forcing him to. But more so, what should I do? Obviously I can't tell anyone, this a very private thing, and I couldn't imagine how bad I'd have felt had the first person I'd told gone and told people behind my back. But, the first person I told is like my "person" he knows everything about me, almost scarily so. He's the one I'll talk to for hours every night about our problems. And so I turn to you guys for help on this, since I can't get help from my "person". Any advice? I'm used to coming out to people, not the other way around.
You didn't force him to do anything. He trusted you enough to come out when he wanted to. One of my undergrad roommates and I are both bi (though he now identifies more as gay), lived together for two years, both deeply in the closet. He came out two years ago, and part of me wanted to come out to him right then and there but I wasn't ready. I finally told him this past summer, because that's when I was ready, and he's been an unbelievable friend to me as I've gone through more of the coming-out process. So you didn't force him out at all. If anything, he was waiting for someone (maybe specifically you) who he was comfortable enough with to tell, and your coming out made him comfortable. Be there for each other, talk to each other, and hopefully y'all will be as good friends to each other as my friend has been to me. And you can always refer him here if he needs more support. Also, congrats to you on your own coming out!
Thanks biwinning, I guess you're right. My first coming out stemmed from my friend asking probing questions about who I had a crush on and what school she went to. And I took that opportunity, as it was perfect and I was ready. So I guess you're right in that I didn't force him to come out. I'm a little scared I'll screw this up, because I'm so used to having my other friend to bounce all of my ideas off, but now I don't.
It was probably a relief for him to come out to you. He probably feels more comfortable with you now that you know, and that he knows you really understand.
I know this is a bit off topic but Sydney is a great place to be out. I go there pretty often and I found it a very open friendly place and Mardi Gras looks awesome too (ive always wanted to go.) Umm, if I were your friend I would be so happy and relieved that someone close to him understands and is there for him. This development is only positive.
You have nothing to worry about because you are both on an equal footing now. I expect he wants the same confidentiality as you do.. and he will respect yours too
The first person I came out to as bi' also came out to me as bi'. How does your friend coming out to you equal I might lose my friend? I got engaged to my friend shortly after coming out to her. Shouldn't it just make you closer friends?
Yeh I agree, And Mardi Gras is a pretty massive party here. My friends and I have been going for the past two years, despite no one being out at the time. It's great at raising awareness. It wasn't like that. I was scared I might lose him as friend prior to coming out, because that is an unfortunate outcome for some people. And since we've been friends for so long and been so close it would have been horrific to lose him. Anyway, thanks everyone, you've calmed me down about it now. He's gotten up this morning, and has gone out to meet some other friends (we're staying in a hotel with 3 other friends at schoolies, btw). But as he left he said he'd continue our conversation later. Which is a good thing. I'm trying to remember back to all the things the first person I came out to did to make me feel comfortable and happy and calm... Hopefully I can be as good to the one who's just come out to me, as my other friend was to me when I came out to him months ago.
You need to treat the situation just like you expected him and others to treat your coming out to them. Personally I would be very excited if a good friend of mine admitted to being gay as well. Now you should have an even closer bond. Just let him know he can talk to you about anything and whatever is said would be confidential.
