Hello, my name's Delfi, I'm a 23 year old bisexual man in the US Army. I've always known that I was attracted to both men and women, but have never told a soul. This is due largely to my rationalizing that I can easily hide my bisexuality, by being open with my heterosexual relationships and hiding the gay ones. The other factor in my reasoning is that I'm afraid that by coming out bisexual I will never be able to have a serious relationship without my partner, whether male or female, feeling that I'm not "all in" with them either sexually or emotionally. Ultimately I may want to have kids someday if I end up settling down with a woman and I'm terrified that no woman will want to commit with a bisexual man. I want to clarify here that I am not at all ashamed of being bisexual, I'm happy with the person that I am. I am confident and have no concern about what friends, my parents, or my fellow soldiers will think. Don't get me wrong, I know there will be some very uncomfortable turbulence, especially with my army comrades, but I'm not afraid to brave that storm if it means quitting this cloak and dagger game with my sexuality. The reasons mentioned above are the only things that have ever prevented me from coming out and I'm really stuck. Incidentally, my Dad already knows, thanks to some poor internet history scrubbing when I was in high school. He confronted me, told me that he loved me and hugged me. He then proceeded to tell me that we are going to "beat this thing" and that he will sit down and pray with me everyday until God makes it go away. This horrified me to no end, especially since I hadn't yet come out as an atheist either... so in my weakness I swiftly told him that I like girls too, which patched up the incident for the time being and we have been sailing in a very leaky ship ever since. This experience of very minimal acceptance from my dad, whom I love dearly and couldn't imagine being shunned by, essentially swept any ideas of coming out from my mind until now. Since then my mother has actually asked me if I'm gay, which surprised me because no one has ever suspected this before (and I know my Dad didn't spill the beans). I told her no, acting somewhat annoyed. That all happened in high school when I was much more insecure than I am now. Now I am wondering what my friends are going to think, especially the friends of 14 years or more, when I finally tell them that I'm bi. Will they feel betrayed, like I never trusted in our friendship enough to reveal this huge part of my life? I'm desperate for some helpful advice and reassurance. I want to come out, but I just can't push myself over the edge. I think it would be minutely easier if I were gay instead of bi, then I wouldn't feel like I were leaving everyone in eternal doubt of my sexuality. But the fact is that I'm definitely bi. Help =/
I've definitely not experienced negative backlash from women I've dated for being bi, but I've always hung out with a very LGBT-friendly crowd. It does definitely help if you live in a liberal part of the country. Anyways, most of the trepidation tends to come early in the relationship. Both guys and girls have asked me if would be tempted away by the other sex, but after I assured them (slightly annoyed-ly) that that really wasn't ever a problem for me they seemed sincerely not to have fears about it later in the relationship. If they get past that phase I wouldn't worry too much about it. As for friends, I'd just emphasize that it was your feeling "insecure", not a lack of trust for them, that stopped you from telling anyone. Again, I was fortunate that my friends were very pro-gay to start with, and they were the first group I came out to. When I did come out late-ish (21 y.o.) I think they just felt honored to be at the top of the list.
My answers won't be among the more popular ones here, but here goes. First, while not trying to make you feel guilty, it's probably not a good idea to "double dip" as in having a girlfriend and messing around with guys on the side, or vice versa. While you may not get a serious infection, you could easily pick up a minor bacterial one and bring it home. As for how the bisexuality will play out with potential partners, I don't know. THIS is the hardest part: how your partners will accept it, if you will be tempted, and if where along the continuum your attraction falls ... and there's a continuum all right. I'm glad your dad was really supportive. That's huge. "Fighting this" probably won't be the case. I think those were the same exact words Dennis Quaid used in "Far From Heaven." As for your friends, you might want to start with friends from which there's not a long grapevine, meaning the information goes into a cul-de-sac with that friend. With guys, you can get an "it's cool," "you're weird," "you're en route to being gay," and "I don't believe you - no way." Some guys find bisexuality intriguing. With women, you can get all of the same, minus "you're weird" and you can add "I don't trust you." Here's why my opinion won't the most popular. In my story, some people know, ranging from having been walked in on to just knowing, and not caring either way, some people push for its gossip value, to which I brush it off and think "f**k you, you're not entitled to an explanation," and some people don't suspect and would never go there, since it has no relevance whatsoever to our rapport. You can do mix and match on this, but consider the consequences of each person or organization you open up to. As for the relationship part, you can dwell on that longer. Sure, you sound like you like who you are, how you function sexually, and why shouldn't you? The only thing I'd do is reflect on what you want with who you ultimately end up with, and if you can keep your sexuality static during the relationship, or need more. This, again, is the hardest part for most bisexual people. They're not being unauthentic. They have a wider span of interests, and might have some trouble deciding. Some can, though. You have time. Think about what you want from a relationship. Think about the ripple effect with each person or group you open up to, especially if they don't need to know because there's no person in your life, you are discovering yourself, and the information would be gratuitous yet you think it's cathartic. But, since you indicate you like yourself, that's a great place to be. My experiences. My two cents. Add: the post above, about the part of the country and the company you keep, also needs to be factored in. I keep a very diverse set of friends. It would be cool with some and not cool with others.
Thanks, that actually really helps! I've never heard first hand experience from another bisexual on this. Did you feel like it made a positive difference in your life to come out as bi? I mean, do people treat you differently in your everyday life?
I think jargon needs to field this instead of me, because of his "whoever asks" status. My liberal, urban friends don't care. My immediate family doesn't care. Some family friends and relatives raise an eyebrow, since I haven't gotten married, and they suspect something rather than actually know. I ran into a very hostile situation at one employer, which has been hard on me, and I was totally private about my life and wasn't even involved with anybody, but I was above the expected age for marriage in that company of people where everybody seemed to be coupled up and most had kids. So, it depends.
Yeah tightrope, I don't think your opinion should be unpopular. Its true, at least in my case, that sticking to a single gender for an extended long term relationship is a harrowing prospect. But I have to imagine its no different from a straight or gay person committing to a single person for that long, I hope anyway.
I think the monogamy part is largely popular. I think it's the not coming out to the tune of 100% that's not popular. However, everyone walks in different shoes.
My ex-gf was the first person I told I was bi, and I told her while we were dating. What she told me was, "I have no problem with you being bi. I have a problem with how much you hate yourself for being bi." Fast forward a long time later when I told my best guy friend, the conversation lasted about 5 minutes and then we went right on to talking about fantasy football because nothing had changed between us. I'm still his best friend and one of the guys, like I've always been.
