Ugh...!!!

I just don't know where I stand.

I thought I liked girls. Full on thought I was a lesbian (still do - so much so I told my dad when I was high, told this friend and a few other when I was high too, and told my sister and counsellor sober ).

But then I think of this one guy and I dream up a reality where yes he is the perfect boyfriend and I can just be normal around him and we live in bliss and then I get actual sex flashbacks of being with him and I become aroused ( and that's really the only way I become aroused with men ). All that said, I was so anxious and worried about being gay when I was with this bloke that orgasms just did not happen for me( I was only begin to really question things at this time....), but I still enjoyed it and he left a happy customer.

- (1.) I also do notice very "hot" men on the street, but I also "notice" every woman on the street, but with women it's more casual, more innocent, not in a sexual way (or at least I never thought it was until I came here :L )


- (2.) With men, unless I am attracted to them and I know them ( or they are gay ), I will feel defensive and on edge ( as if they expect something sexual from me, sorry guys). I will literally feel like they are always trying it on with me and because of that I can't get comfortable around them. I also feel the need to "be" a certain way around them - like pretty, basically perfect, and that I can't "be human" around them ( a handful, yes, but most of them don't ever see the real me...that said only a handful of girls see the real me too, but it's just "easier " to be me around them)

- (3.) I have had opportunities to be with women and on both times the teasing and the idea and the flirting was arousing. the physical act of doing just did not feel like it came naturally to me, which was so confusing because the idea aroused me so much and the fantasy but the actual act did not. Yet I still feel curious. Physical acts with guys are fun to me though, and I still desire sex ( with at least the guy that I think I really like ). I am just terrified of actually finding a girl and getting physical - and when the opportunity has risen I cannot bring myself to rise to the challenge.

- (4.) My therapist and sister think I'm over-thinking things because men are a threat to me as a result of trauma.

- (5.) Lesbian porn is my preference, but I have watched anything and everything and straight/gay does show up too. I also used to watch a lot of porn when I was younger.

I am more accepting of being gay now than I was 3/4 months ago. I think it's likely but at the same time, I want to have a man in my life too. I know I had a lot of internalised homophobia and it wasn't until I watched girlfriends on youtube or arielle(?) and other lesbian related material that actually really properly helped me to come over that.

I kinda think I want to be gay so that this new guys desires me because he can't have me and then I'll be forced to have the emotional growth and friendship I could have in our relationship that "straight me" would never allow. Straight Me has to put hot men on pedestals and beckon to their every whim. "Gay Me" can forget about them and focus on the real aspects of a lasting friendship because sex is off the table - i would feel less defensive around men if they knew I was gay, but I would still want them to want me (does that make sense? ).....


I just want somebody to love, who I find attractive who I can just be me and weird around... living carefree :lol: