Totally Lost

Hi,

I'm coming here to receive some advice that hopefully will help me out. I'll give you a few facts about me. I'm 34, male, a teacher, and in the closet. I'm pretty much so far in the closet that I'm sure most people see me as asexual.

I've probably known I was gay on some level since I was 12 but really, it wasn't until I was 26 that I accepted it. And, by 'accepting it', I mean I stopped letting it drive me nuts but I still never acted on it. I just focused on other things like travelling and my career. So, for 8 years I've just lived this asexual, celibate life.

In my entire life, I've only had 2 people ask me if I was gay (because they said I was cute but never had a girlfriend). I'm surprised that number isn't higher. I'm average to moderately good looking, nice personality (no trouble making friends) and a sharp dresser. I'm not macho in the least but at the same time not really feminine either (stereotype, I know). Most of my friends are women but I get along with their husbands/boyfriends too. It's weird. I hang out with these women without their husbands around and the husbands are cool with it. Then again, I go over to their houses and hang out with both of them too. I get along with most people. So, they probably all think I'm gay but NONE of them ask me about it. I'm always surprised that they don't. I never mention finding anyone hot, and I never talk about dating. Yet, no one says anything. I must give off that "DO NOT ASK ME" vibe. A few of my friends jokingly call me Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. I know that most (if not all) of my friends would not care if I told them I was gay.

In April, my parents invited me over for supper. So, we're sitting there and my father says "Do you mind if I ask you an extremely personal question?". I said "yes" because I knew what he was going to ask. He said "why?". I replied "It's none of your business". So, he let it drop then asked my mother if she could get something in the other room. Then when she was gone he asked "Are you gay?". I finally just bit the bullet and told him "probably". He asked what that meant and I said I was "99.9% sure". Then my mom came back and they asked me a bunch of questions that made me want to hurl. I.e. "Have you ever been with a man?". (The answer is no by the way). I haven't been with a woman either but we didn't get into that. They told me they loved me and accepted me, blah blah blah. My mother and I get along fine but my father and I have a rocky relationship (nothing in common and he's an alcoholic...yes that's a whole other kettle of fish). I've always figured they would be fine with it (in recent years). I have a gay first cousin on each side of the family, so I wouldn't be trail-blazing here. Anyway, they told me I should just start living my life. But that's where I come to my main problem.

I live in a small city and teach in a tiny rural community (religious). I'm an elementary teacher. My kids like me and I'm an 'established teacher' (my name's on the door...ha!). I get along with my staff but I can't ever picture myself being 'out' and still teaching there. Gay marriage is legal in my country and I know I wouldn't be fired if I did come out and most of the teachers probably wouldn't care. But still, I just can't envision it.

Being in the closet is affecting every part of my life. I'm basically on the fringes of everyone else's life with no substance to my own. For a long time I was okay with that. I just wanted a stable career. I was going to buy a house this summer but deep down I just couldn't do it because I don't know if I can still live here. So, I'm in an apartment with my crappy, cheap furniture (I have good taste but don't want to buy anything nice if I'll just end up leaving it here). I can only picture myself being 'out' in a big city like Toronto or Montreal. Unfortunately, there are no teaching jobs there. So, I consider going back to Asia (I taught there for 5 years). But, then I give up my permanent contract here, my pension, etc. See, I AM ready to settle down and buy a house like most 34 year olds....BUT I just don't think I can do that here.

My thought process keeps spinning around and around in this circle and I can't seem to find any way out of it. But, doing what I'm doing is not working anymore either. My friends are all pretty much married now and having kids. I have my job. That's it. I don't even have a dog (dogs are a commitment and I can't commit to anything as long as there's a chance I might leave again). So then I think about going back to school and changing careers so that I can work in a larger city. But, that makes me tired even thinking about it.

I find it really quite depressing that I don't think there's ONE person I feel like I can talk to about this. I haven't talked to my parents about it since they day they asked me. I really don't know what to do. I'm sorry this is so long but I just had to put this out there. Thanks for any insight you have to offer.

 

Thanks for the replies Yossarian and Coinshot. What you both said makes sense and Yossarian, your 'flight idle' analogy really resonated with me. At the moment I feel like someone has thrown a bucket of cold water on me and I'm thinking 'What the #$%# have I been doing all this time?". I realize that life is finite. I think I used to believe that somehow 'the rest of my life' was a while away and that things would just work themselves out. I now realize that 'the rest of my life' is now. Also, nothing will change unless I make it happen. I just don't know how to go about making the change.

I mentioned a career change in my earlier post. I like my job. It can be stressful at times so that does affect me. However, I also think that if I had someone to come home to and share my evenings with, the stress would be reduced. The thought of giving my job up is hard for me to swallow. All of that education, money, substitute teaching, first contract, then permanent contract, means something to me. I also just got a teaching award at the end of last year, which felt nice. At the same time, schools are some of the most homophobic places out there. In elementary schools being gay doesn't really come up but it does once in a while and it's usually not a positive comment on the students' part. Middle Schools and High Schools have Gay/Straight Alliances which help students and staff become more open.

So, I'm trying to come up with my next move. I would love to just move to Toronto and see what happens but I can't really afford it (or want to take the risk). So, I thought about heading back to Asia for a year and banking some money (easy to do) and then furthering my education in a city somewhere in back in Canada or go into a new field altogether. Specifically, I was thinking of Hong Kong because I've lived there before and it has a fairly vibrant gay night life. I probably wouldn't be 'out' at work but I think I could have a decent social life.

Then, there's the part of me that just wants to say 'screw it' and start telling everyone I'm gay here and let the chips fall where they may. My parents have already said they don't care. I just would be concerned for my nephew. He's 7 years old and lives nearby. I would hate for him to be teased about his gay uncle. Trust me, he lives in a small town, it's very likely if I still lived around here and was 'out'.

It's report card writing time and my brain is mush so it's hard for me to think clearly at the moment (lack of sleep, too much caffeine).

One question I have is this: I know I have to be gay because I know what I like and what I don't like sexually. However, I have never 'done' anything gay. Should I just go 'get it on' with someone to see what it's like? It's not really in my personality to hook up with a stranger however...I feel like I'm getting to that point. Thoughts? Thanks again for your comments.

 

Hey Canadaman,

Thanks for the reply. Judging from the info under your name, you're in Ontario. I'm in the Maritimes. Ontario, on the whole, seems a bit more liberal than the East Coast but I'm sure you have your pockets of rednecks as well.:icon_bigg

I do have friends who would probably be completely cool with me being gay but I feel like once 'the cat is out of the bag' so to speak, there's no going back. I really don't want to always be known as 'the gay guy'. Though, I suppose with my parents knowing it's probably only a matter of time before they say something to one of my siblings (I asked them not to). And actually, a large majority of people have probably already wondered at least once if I'm gay or not. So, I know the only one I'm hurting is myself by not coming out. Intellectually, I know this but emotionally it's something else.

Lately, I'm really feeling like I've wasted so much of my life. To some people, I've done a lot (gotten an education, travelled around the world, developed a career). But really, there's so much I've missed out on. I guess I'll just have to look forward and not focus on what's already gone. Because really, there is NO WAY I could have come out back in high school and actually, I still thought I liked girls then. Because, I did have feelings for certain girls. It was just never sexual. I used to have a poster of Cindy Crawford in my room. Try as I might, she never 'did it for me'. Sorry Cindy. :icon_wink

What I have done over the years is find these awesome, beautiful women who (now that I look back on things) probably thought our relationship was going to lead somewhere. We would go to events together, watch movies, etc. However, I just kept them at arms length until they eventually moved on and found a boyfriend. I used to think the reason we never hooked up was because they just wanted to be friends or that I wasn't attractive. However, I eventually realized it was because I would never 'make a move' because ultimately, I knew it could never go anywhere.

I tend to ramble on this forum but it's a good place to 'think out loud'. Because, at this point I'm not ready to have these conversations with people I know. I appreciate you guys taking the time to read what I'm writing.

Canadaman, I'm glad you had a good experience coming out to your friend. I feel like I need to come out to my brothers and their wives (we are chummy) before I tell my friends. Let me know how it goes if you tell your family members!

 

So, a little update (for those who have been reading this thread). Tonight I came out to a friend of mine. This marks the first person I've told on my own (my parents basically forced it out of me grudgingly). She was fine with it and very supportive (as I knew she would be). She's also a teacher in my district and thinks I would be A-Ok to come out (she's from the small town where I teach so she knows the community). She assures me it's not as backwoods as I think it is. She thinks I will only get positive reactions from most people I tell. She also told me that she knows quite a few gay teachers in our district.

My next step is to tell my brothers and their wives (my parents already know). This is going to be the hard part. It's difficult for me to find the right way to talk to them about it.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good about how the 'coming out' went tonight. My friend had a lot of good advice to offer. She's also offered to take me to the gay bar (where she often goes even though she's not gay). I told her I will probably take her up on that after I tell my brothers.

Thanks again for all of the support I've received on this forum. I'll keep you posted as to how it goes with the rest of my family.

 

Update #2

So, I called my sister-in-law and my brother who don't live in the same province tonight. I called them with the sole purpose of coming out but was starting to chicken out. Our conversation about Christmas, books, and movies was starting to wind down. Then I said "Well, I called you for another reason but maybe I should leave it for another night." My sister-in-law said "Why?" Then I said well, "I have something difficult to say and maybe I need some more wine." I said "You know how I've pretty much never had a girlfriend?" She said "Yes". I said "There's a reason for that...if you get what I'm saying." She was very cool and told me that when she was set to marry my brother seven years ago, my other sister-in-law told her that, as part of initiation into the family, she had to ask me if I was gay. My sister-in-law said she 'almost did' but didn't want to embarrass me. She then said "I knew because you're a good looking guy who looks like Adam Levine....and you wear suspenders." I said "I could be a hipster." She said "You're not a hipster."

I have two other brothers and their wives to tell. This sister-in-law said they won't care. She said everybody already 'knows' anyway. She told me that I'm a good looking guy who is a sharp dresser but is perpetually single.

My brother had fallen asleep on the couch. She wanted to know if she should wake him but I told her just to tell him (I don't want to!). I prefer working through their wives.

I don't think I'll mind telling my younger brother and his wife but I think they will blab to everyone. My second oldest brother and his wife have grown a bit conservative over the years, so it will be hard with them (even though it was this sister-in-law who tried to get the other one to ask me if I was gay 7 years ago).

Anyway, we had a lot of laughs and she was completely cool and great to talk with. Feeling good. I'm glad I didn't chicken out. The process has begun so I have to keep on with it.

 

So, my sister-in-law told me that after our wine-soaked conversation that she would tell my brother in the morning (he was sleeping while we were talking). Anyway, she e-mailed me the next day and said that she told my brother in the morning and that his exact words were "Yup, we knew that...would you like a coffee?". So, that feels good. I much prefer the blase reply than him trying to start an awkward heart to heart with me. Two more brothers to go..

 

Hi Aquaman,

Thanks for reading my (rambling at times) thread. With regard to your question, I think I might have shelved my plan to move to Asia for the time being. I think the whole idea of coming out was just so overwhelming that the only thing I wanted to do was flee. But really, that's what I've done for most of my 20s (hence, half of my 20s being spent in Asia). Sure, I wanted to go there to travel and teach but part of it was a way to separate myself from reality a bit. I guess by being in Asia, I can be anonymous to a certain degree, which appeals to me.

As for my job, it is important to me. Yesterday, I had a parent come up to me at the school gate at the end of the day because she wanted to tell me that she was mentioning to her son's doctor about how good I have been with her son. The doctor said that this is not the first time she's heard my name and from parents mentioning that I'm a good teacher. I have to admit that it did feel good and made me feel a bit more 'secure'. I don't want to give up everything I've worked for here.

Now that I'm entertaining the possibility of staying here, I've been trawling Plenty of Fish. And, I have to say, the results aren't promising. Not to sound shallow, but I think many of the quality fish moved onto bigger cities in their 20s. The ones that are left don't really seem to be like me. Anyway, I'm not dismissing it and I guess we do have a (singular) gay bar.

You're 37. I'm 34. So, I'm sure we can relate to each other. When I was still 'straight-ish' (in my head at least), I thought I looked okay for my age and still considered myself to be 'young'. However, now I'm starting to feel a bit insecure because a lot of the online dating profiles are for guys in their early to mid-twenties. I am too old for them. I guess I'm just worried that all of the guys my age have left the area. However, I guess the fact that I'm even entertaining dating is somewhat promising.

Anyway, thanks for reply Aquaman. Please keep on giving me your thoughts as I appreciate hearing things from people, especially from people around my own age. Can I ask who you have come out to so far?

 

Hey Aquaman,

Yeah, I checked and the Private Message thing doesn't work, or at least not for regular members. By the way, I'd never have guessed in a million years that your first language wasn't English.

I know what you mean about having a lot to say. On these forums you can only really give a one-dimensional view of yourself (otherwise, we'd be writing way too much).

I have to head to work in a minute, but I'll try to write some more 'thought-provoking' content when I get home. Ha ha ha..

 

Hey Aquaman,

Thanks for giving me some of your background information. I know it's personal stuff but it helps to see where you've come from.

I read what you wrote about 'moving away'. I have to agree with your comments to a great extent. I will still be gay no matter where I go and will still have to deal with it. It's just that I have a friend I did my education degree with lives in Toronto (He came out a couple of years after we graduated). I'm always looking at his pictures on FB with envy. He's always posting pictures of these good-looking, well-dressed guys. They're always out at some function or party. I can see how it would be comforting to have your 'big gay posse'. Still, when I try to picture me in the mix, it doesn't work. I wouldn't say I'm an introvert, but I like small groups and dislike flashiness in general.

There are these two futures I can see for myself. In one, I buy a house outside of the city with lots of trees in the yard, get a dog, and settle down with a nice guy. We invite people over for small parties but most of our friends are straight. In the second, I'm this well-dressed city slicker who's always on the go and heading to parties with other gay people. Neither is probably entirely realistic. I still think I'm struggling with the whole 'being gay' and how that impacts my masculinity. For example, I hate hockey (this should have been a big tip off to everyone in Canada that I'm gay...ha ha ha). I care about my skin, hair, and clothes. At the same time, I'm kind of a sci-fi nerd, my apartment is sort of messy at times, and my personality can be gruff. I don't have a lisp and am not flamboyant (this is a stereotype I know, but in my mind this is what being gay has meant). I should know better with all of the macho gay guys who have come out lately, that there is no one type of gay person.

As for your comment about staying in Canada, you do have a point. When I was looking to leave, I kept googling 'gay friendly countries to teach in'. I always found sites that listed Canada at the top. We have anti-gay discrimination laws and most people are too polite to say anything against gay people even if they disagree with it. The universal health care is nice as well. But you are forgetting one thing...IT'S FREEZING! It was like minus 28 degrees Celsius (-18 F) the other day. My car made the most horrific whining noise when I tried to start it. I'm envious that you're in Florida. I went when I was 12 and had a great time.

I know you said that I don't have to come out to everyone. However, I think once I do come out to my friends and my brothers and their wives, it will spread like wild fire. I don't think they will share this info out of malice but it is a juicy piece of gossip, which would be hard for some to keep to themselves. I have multiple friend/colleague connections. Once my friends know, it would only be a matter of time before the teachers at work know. I would lose it (mentally) if a student asked me. Half of them assume I'm married and the other half have asked me if I am. I know some may say that it's nobody's business (true) but you always have to let the kids know a bit about yourself, otherwise they see you as a boring edubot. I guess I don't have to be that open with them. I would just hope that if their parents found out the school wouldn't get calls asking for students not to be placed in my class. Anyway, maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion.

I'm losing my train of thought so I will stop typing. I will say that I REALLY wish I had chosen another username. The Lost One now sounds very dramatic and emo to my ears. Two words that I would not normally use to describe myself. Oh well, I guess it's how I was feeling when I signed up!