Comfortable in the Closet

Hello and welcome. I'm pretty new around here too, but I'll do my best to be helpful.

I'm curious, how old is he? My guess would be fairly young. I was comfortably in the closet for many years when I was younger. Now that I am older, I am still pretty much in the closet, maybe with only one big toe out, but I am "uncomfortably in the closet" now. I look back on those days and wish that I had been more open and honest to those around me. I think I would be much happier in life now if I had done that then.

What's holding me back from being more open now isn't so much what people will think of my sexuality, but rather what they will think about why I was deceitful for so many years. Why did I marry a woman when I knew I shouldn't have? Why did I pretend to be someone I am not? It is those questions that I don't want to deal with now.

Everyone is different, of course, and everyone has to come out in their own time and on their own terms. For me, however, I regret not starting the process a lot sooner. Good luck to you!

 

Whether or not that person comes out is entirely their choice. It really is no business of anyone's but his own.

If it's meant to be, he will come out when he wants/is ready. All I think you need to worry about is perhaps let him know how you feel (if you wish and hadn't done so already), but be supportive in whatever decision is made.

 

Its really their choice and no one else's. I have recently just accepted the fact that I am gay and am now comfortable with that, in fact I have gone from being really depressed (when I could not accept it) to being really happy for the first time in years, BUT…that said I am at the moment happy to not come out to anyone until I am ready myself. If that means I occasionally have to lie to someone (friend, family or co-worker) about dating girls etc then so be it…I don't like lying to them (in fact I hate it) but at the moment it is just a lot easier to do that then to come out (which I will do when I am ready myself!)
No one should ever be forced to "come out" unless they want to the same way no one should ever be outed by someone else. You have to remember situations vary from person to person and it may be easier for some people to come out gay then others.

Also you say "in some ways, he likes lying about certain details about his personal life" I do not know this person but I am sure they do not like having to lie about their personal life, this just means they are never going to be able to get too close to people in case of being caught out for being gay.

I understand that you are not trying to offend anyone and I certainly don't think you are offending anyone by your post but I just think the only person who can decide what is best for them in terms of coming is the person themselves.

 

I agree completely

 

If someone can and wants to go through their whole life maintain that illusion, more power to them. But if they know deep down they are gay, and are going to "maintain heterosexuality"/keep that illusion through getting married and having kids, I would direct them to the Later in Life section, cause that rarely, if ever, works out for that person. As Adam said, being 49 he regrets not being more open earlier in life. Actually, just read all of Adam's post to see the case-in-point.

If they want to be in the closet and not pursue a relationship of any kind, then more power to them.

 

In the end it's their sexuality,
And no matter how sure we as outsiders may be on their sexuality,
We have no right to tell them how and why they should be coming out,
As we're not the ones who will live with the mental and physical implications of such a thing!

I feel that recently there's been a trend where others condemn someone for being in the closet,
Whereas in reality we should be providing them with non-judgmental care on the matter,
If they feel the need to lie to themselves,
Or stay ignorant to their innate desires,
Then does it harm us?
Most likely no!

So I'd leave the person to their delusions,
It is after all,
None of my business!

 

We often hear and say here that it is each person's choice to decide who and when to come out to. The obvious conclusion, if that is correct advice, is that some people will choose to NEVER come out to anyone, even including themselves. They can also choose to come out to themselves, and nobody else, and lead a celibate life, or a enter a heterosexual relationship before they realize what their orientation is and then be stuck with the decision of if, how, and when to end it after they have discovered themselves.

It is only a LIE if you intentionally mislead someone knowing the truth is different. Keeping your sexual preferences privately to yourself is not the same as lying to someone about it. Read the LGBT Later section to see how many of us without strong feelings of sexuality at youth evolved into heterosexual relationships because of the times and contexts in which we lived. More than an intentional "living a lie", it is just what happens day by day when you live in a world full of homophobes and religious dogmatics who create a world in which the only models for living you see are heterosexual ones. You later realize that you may have made what in today's context seems like a mistake or a deception, but at the time was "just what people did" regardless of underlying feelings of doubt about what they should be feeling and doing. Look at some of the third world countries even today, where homosexuality is not only ILLEGAL, but can easily get you beaten or killed, and tell me that those kids should "come out" and get their lives destroyed by whackos. Have some empathy for others, who don't have the same protections and options that we do, and ours still aren't all that solid and remain constantly under attack by right-wing politicos.