I've known for a while that I'm gay, but I've only told a few friends who are close to me. I really want to tell my parents, but everyone I've heard about waited until they left school. The reason I'm so scared is because they are so religious and homosexuality is wrong in their eyes, and one of the close friends I told basically said that it was a choice and I need to change. That is what they will say, and possibly get me to talk to my pastor because when someone else came out as a lesbian in my church they all tried to 'change her sexual orientation' and as she refused it she was kicked out the church. I don't want to tell them but at the same time I do, because it is dishonest to them? Please help me!
OK a few questions, and please don't take them the wrong way! Are you CERTAIN you're gay? (please not I only ask this, because as you have noted they WILL try and 'change you back' and if you decide to tell them now, especially because of your age, you need to be damned confident about how you feel!) Is being kicked out of the church a bad thing for you? Would you be ready to enter a gay relationship yet? Which is worse, hiding something from your parents or whatever they will do to you when you tell them? Are you confident enough to look your parents and pastor in the eyes and say "this is who I am, and I know God loves me anyway!"? Sorry if some of those seem horrible, I don't mean to question you. If you say you know you are gay I believe you completely! Essentially this boils down to your confidence level, because, ask anyone who has had someone try to change something like this, it is NOT easy. You need to be able to stand your ground against people you've been taught to respect while they all tell you you're wrong. On another note, there is 'dishonest' and then there is 'private'. You don't owe it to your parents to tell them anything. You certainly have no obligation to tell the you are gay. If you were entering a gay relationship you might want to tell them so they don't go nuts the first time they see you holding hands with a boy, but otherwise you don't need to. There is nothing dishonest about it, because they didn't ask.
I came out to my parents at your age and my mum is a strong catholic. All is well and good saying that you're their son and they will love you but you need to ask yourself how strong theists are they because if they are really strong and you "choose not to change" then you need to think about whether they will neglect you or even chuck you out. I know it sounds ridiculous but it matters a lot. If I were you I would wait until you were older and then tell them, I only told my parents at 13 because they are both teachers and have had many homosexual students that they fully understand. So wait a few years before you tell them.
Not too long ago an advice columnist dealt with a mother who felt "betrayed" that her son was gay, and would not "choose" to be straight. The columnist --Ask Amy--told the mother that if she felt that way, she, as a good mother, should be a role model for her son by becoming homosexual herself for a year, to show him that sexuality was a "choice." I would attach the article, but I think the rules of this site prohibit it. I agree with upthread remarks regarding honesty and privacy. They are different things. You can wait, if that is what you feel comfortable with.
It is only dishonest if they ask you and you LIE to them about it. Not only will that cause its own set of problems, but you will then have to maintain the facade of the lie, living as a straight person and not being able to be open with them about your gay friends. If you somehow get outed to them, you should tell them that the only reason you have not trusted them with your orientation is that they have been so openly negative about homosexuality instead of saying that they would love and support you no matter who you are, so you just said nothing rather than lie to them. IF at that point they don't realize that they and their dogmatic homophobia are the problem, you will have to deal with them until you are old enough to set out on your own.
Hey there! Firstly just want to say the first person anyone has to come out to is themselves and you've done that a lot younger than most of us on here, and coming out to friends takes a lot of courage as well, so well done As for whether to tell the parents yet or not, I think the issue is that there is no easy answer here, both options (coming out to them or not) have pro's and cons: Come out - avoid the stress of hiding in the closet, feel like you are being yourself, but have to face the pain of your parents' ignorance, something that I wouldn't want anyone to have to go through (although it happens all the time). Don't come out yet - avoid the pain of their reaction, but feel like you're hiding yourself. Not an easy decision! If your safety is at risk by telling them though (I don't know your parents but you do) then put your safety first. Also, I think it's great that you are honest with your parents and you should always tell them where you are and what you're doing, but it's okay to not tell them how you feel if you want to keep it private. And lastly, there's no rush. I'm 30 and I still haven't come out to my dad! Soon... ---------- Post added 29th Nov 2013 at 10:32 PM ---------- PS. If you decide to wait, you could start trying to make them more open-minded by challenging any homophobia they come out with. I've done that over the years with my religious parents and they've become more tolerant now - it could work. Also, remember, you're awesome
Thanks guys for all your help. I've been advised by a friend to tell them now, as whether or not they accept it, in the end they can't do anything about it apart from sit me down with the pastor which I will refuse to do. I don't think they would hurt me? Should I come out. I like to be open with them.
hey there, trust me if your parents are homophobic i wouldn't tell them yet. i mean you need to be able to support yourself if you get kicked out. also i would't tell your parents at 13 (i know you know your sexual orientation) but your parents might not believe you. hope this helps!
