This forum was really helpful for me a few months back when I realized that I was completely in love with a woman for the first time. I realize, now that I've read more about other people's situations, that I had been suppressing feelings that had always been there. I'm in the process of divorce with my ex and have a relationship with the woman that I love. My issue is that it's a secret relationship. Our closest friends know, and more people on her end (she has been out for many years) but not my ex or the kids. I feel really deceitful spending all of my time with my "best friend", who I am passionately in love with. The divorce isn't final yet and my ex is not the most... mature... about resolving his feelings. When we separated I told him all the things about our relationship that made it so we couldn't go on. Very legitimate reasons. Ten years of bad marriage with little to no relationship. I don't like the idea that if I come out to him now he will chalk the whole divorce up to me leaving him for a woman. I think the kids will be relatively okay with it, but a lot of that will ride on the ex's attitude. Any recommendations or personal experiences? I am so happy with where I am right now that I would love to share it. After this phase, next would be my huge family.... for some reason I feel like their response to "I'm gay." will be "No, you're not." I have generally been perceived as the cheerleader type, very girly, lots of boyfriends, ya know? My family is having a hard time processing the idea of the divorce, the kids too. Is it best to wait? I hate keeping this a secret. Thanks for reading, any ideas?
Hi there, I know I'm only 17 and have zero relationship experience, sad I know but this is just my opinion...I think it will pay off for you to WAIT! Especially since your divorce isn't final. If your ex husband isn't the most "mature" person in dealing with his feelings and the divorce as a whole, to then find out that his wife of 10 years wants to start her life again with a women isn't going to be the best thing for his ego...sad but true! I mean you should tell him eventually just maybe wait until things are final. Best of luck
I am in exactly the same situation, hopefully we'll finally sign the divorce papers in March, until then, I am saying nothing (no reason to give her any more ammunition than necessary, she ain't so mature either, rather vindictive actually). The moment they are signed, I come out to the ex-wife and kids, not a moment sooner. As in all negotiations, talking too much will get you into trouble.
Thanks for your replies, and I agree, although it's hard to feel like I'm hiding something. We have shared custody and I worry about the effect his negative attitude will have on our son during the week that he is with him. He is already manipulative in his comments and attitude but has a way of expressing it that makes people think he is fantastic. It's really confusing. I am wondering about having him come to a therapist with me when I tell him so that they can help us and explain some things to him--debunking some myths that he will probably have in his head. He is already going to counseling because I asked him to when we separated, but I think he is in a self-entitlement phase of his dealing with our break-up. Can I ask how old your kids are GreatWhale? Luceicandothis... I appreciate your advice, especially since my older daughter is about your age. Thanks!!!
I feel the same as you,in that the marriage was in the crapper,but it will all be my fault cause im gay. Let it be known that I want to leave the relationship anay way and start over with someone that I wont have to hide my true self. Best ofluck
I am sorry to say that I know quite a few people who have gone through acrimonious divorces. (not me!!) My advice to you is--wait! From what I see, many people who are divorcing have a difficult time seeing it as a relationship that didn't work. It is so much easier, for some reason, to find fault, and relationship #2, whether straight or gay would be right there on the "fault" line. If your husband was more mature, you could consider it. But you say he is not, and it sounds as if he is not taking this well. It seems like you have little to gain by pressing the point now.
By all means - WAIT. You can let the relationship that develops after the divorce give him the explanation he needs; he may have moved on to another woman himself by then.
Hi everyone, I don't know where this post will go or if anyone will see it. I guess I just need to vent. My girlfriend, whom I adore, is rightfully getting tired of being a secret. My best friends know about her and are supportive, but my kids don't. My divorce will be final in the upcoming months, my ex suspects that I am romantically involved with my "friend" although he hasnt brought it up to me. My daughter is almost 17, my son is 8. My daughter and I are in counseling to work on some issues brought up from some feeling that I must have failed her when she was little, or not protected her in some way. I was a young mom and my ex, her step-dad was not great to her or to me. (He is overly "great" to our son.) Anyhow, we're dealing with her anger and my guilt. My ex has basically written her off after being "dad" for ten years. To add to my guilt I feel that I'm keeping this huge secret from her. I love my girlfriend but I'm scared of the repercussions on my kids from coming out. She is fantastic and my kids adore her, although my daughter has expressed frustration about her ways being around. She rents a room in another apartment that she doesnt like to be in, kind of on stand still until we can live together. Financially it would be a huge relief for both of us to share expenses. I will always choose protecting my kids, but part of that is making me miserable. I feel so lucky to have found this love and embarrassed that I'm hiding it. Wait! It gets better! We work together too!!! It's almost comical. Thoughts anybody?
Hi xx With me, I have just separated from my husband. (my choice this time) I know deep down inside I am gay. I have always known but buried it deep down for many years. So I am on my own now... free to be me, but in the closet. So, now, this is where we match (sort of) there is this girl, she is beautiful and really likes me and has told me so... I am so tempted to be with her, she is a beautiful women inside and out. At the weekend we kissed and oh she is mmmmm so tempting. BUT yes, I am a mum, just separted with a very bigoted family. There is no way I could come out at the moment, so I am holding her back. I told her I need time. But I so want to be with her. If I was with her she would have to be hidden from my family and friends and I just don't want to do that to her. I would want to show her off to the world, but I know, my world, as in family.... I just don't think they would accept her and my life as a lesbian. I know for me it would be a very brave move to open up and come out of my little closet but I am just not brave enough yet. So I can see how you feel. You say your divorce is coming up, maybe if you gave her a date or month that you will tell people and tell them about your love of your life, maybe that will help her know that it is going to happen soon and she may then be able to settle for a while with what you have at the moment but also know that soon, you both will be free to express your love to the world. xx
Thanks for responding! It really helps to not feel alone. My relationship feels so totally right, i've never wanted to spend so much time with someone. I'm learning to not base my choices and feelings not on what everyone else thinks or might think but what I really feel. I've been raised to think that that is selfish. But pleasing everyone else has just made me miserable and I don't think it's done my kids any favors. I'm nervous that it's too soon for my kids to be able to accept it. It will be a year in summer since things ended with my ex. But my girlfriend is all positivity and love. I just go back and forth about what the "right" thing to do is. Do you really think you can wait and not get involved with your friend? It will be tricky, but I respect that you're trying to do the right thing for your kids. Take care and thanks!! Keep me posted on how things are going if you'd like!
