So... the time has come for me to come out to my parents. My goal is to do this before the school year starts, which gives me until mid-August. I think this is necessary for a couple reasons: 1. I feel comfortable and secure in my sexual identity. Hell, I'm *proud* to love women, and I would probably be out to the entire world if I wasn't worried about my parents somehow discovering it. 2. I don't want to shut off that part of my life from my family, because I have always been close to my parents and regret any space that has come between us. My mom always teases me whenever I spend time with my ex-boyfriend; I'd like her to know why we're never going to get back together, for example. 3. My mom is an accompanist for my school--meaning that she goes into my classroom and interacts with my classmates once or twice a month. (Still in High School, will be a senior next year.) I can see someone stupidly, unwittingly, outing me to her. And that would be an utter and complete disaster, mainly because I want to come out to her myself. 4. I'm tired of lying to my parents about where I'm going and what I'm doing when I go to GSA/GLBT events. However, there are some potential issues. My parents aren't homophobic, but they're not exactly supportive of gay rights either. They're both liberal Democrats, but my mom's dad is a Lutheran pastor, and she has some accordingly silly views when it comes to homosexuality. (We were discussing lesbians one time, and she told me that she wonders "how many gay women just haven't found the right man yet." Grrrrr.) I think my dad will take it better than she will. The only thing I can anticipate with him is that he will be disappointed because he won't think he can have grandchildren. The other thing is that I still very very much rely on them, as I have neither job nor car right now, and college is threateningly looming over the horizon. I DEFINITELY need my parents to help me pay for college, as the place I want to go, while not exorbitant, definitely isn't cheap either. I could never ever ever see my parents withdrawing funding, but I've seen it mentioned in several articles about coming out, so it is perhaps a concern. My dad and I were talking about "gay-therapy" once (people "curing you" straight) and I playfully asked him if he would send me to such a thing if I were gay. He responded like he was offended at the very idea, which made me smile. And yet another thing is the timing of all this. I just found out today that my mom has really, really hit the midlife crisis/menopause/mid-life depression wall, and I don't want to make it worse for her. Yet I think that this is something I need to do for myself, and for the continued relationship with my parents. Anyways, sorry for the longness of this post... I guess I just felt like I needed some support/encouragement from people who have gone through this before, lol. I've also talked to people before irl about this, but most of them have either been out since middle school or have *been* outed by other people to their parents. :/
From what you've posted it seems like your parents will be relatively accepting, altho it may be a little harder on your mother. I hope everything goes well for you. Good luck !! (*hug*)
Hi and welcome to EC! From what you have written, I think your parents will accept you for who you are. There might be an initial shock or some disbelief but they will continue to love you. You still have quite a bit of time to 'plan' your coming out and get ready for it and from the sounds of it you are half ways there. Have some PFLAG material ready for them. Hope this helps! Good Luck!
I think you'll be fine. Your rather sounds like a walk in the part considering his past comments and views in general. Your mother will probably follow your father's cue if you talk to them together. As long as one is supportive, the other will oftentimes follow suit even if their general instinct would have been to react differently. The fact that your mother is going through menopause shouldn't be too much of a hinderance. If it was, she would't bother getting out of bed. :lol: There's never a 'perfect' time to tell your parents. Something or another will always be in the way. But I think you'll be just fine.
Hello and welcome to EC. I am JSG's mum and I can tell you for one that once I had picked myself up off the floor after JSG came out to me last year I felt proud, proud that he had accepted himself at such a young age and proud that he told me himself and didn't wait until I found out. I can quite see someone outing you at school and not even meaning to just imagining that your mum must already know. That would indeed be dreadfully hurtful for your mum. I am not yet menopausal *crosses fingers* and yes I am sure your mum is having a hard time of things but this has nothing to do with that and I don't think you should worry about it overly. Wait until you see that your mum is doing well, not having a bad day (as a depressive I know what it is to have bad days) and then have a kind woman to woman chat with her. Arm yourself with the ressources that you can find here or that Becky can send you (she is a very active member of Pflag) so that you can help your mum to understand what it means to have a gay child and that what she is feeling is normal and part of the 'grieving' stages that most parents go through. If you read the sticky post on Grieving this will give you an idea of the normal reactions to expect, (then it won't be so hard on you either). If you think that your dad will take things better talk to him first, get him to help chose the right moment with you to tell your mum. On the up side, my relationship with my son has improved no end now that we can talk about anything and everything so, be brave, if you feel you need to do this and you are ready.... GO FOR IT!
Thank everyone for their really positive messages of support and encouragement! It means the world to me, really. Hmm... so I went to go see my gay friend B today for the first time in a year, who's been doing a study abroad program in Europe and just got back. My mom and I were in the car driving back from his house and she just started kind of randomly talking about B, and how he'd been in an environment that was more open to homosexuality and how it might be emotionally difficult for him to have to be more closeted now that he's back in the US with his family, who are all Catholics. And then she said, "It must be extremely difficult to go around hiding who you are." She said it quite calmly, without emphasis, but she also looked at me while she said it. I could be going some horrible form of closet-induced paranoid crazy, but... was she hinting at it? I immediately turned the subject away from that, because I definitely wasn't prepared to come out under those circumstances, but still. Makes me wonder.
^Hint hint, blondeariana, time to come out the closet!! Sounds like she'll be just fine if you come out to her, but of course it's your choice. If you feel ready, go for it!! Good luck whatever you decide to do.
I wouldn't worry about your mom's comments. They come from ignorance. As she learns more, she'll know how really stupid they were. You can help by giving her educational materials to read when you come out like those from PFLAG or helpful books like Now that you Know, ect.
Yeah, I've looked into all of those, and I really think they will help smooth the way between me and my parents. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I know they will be fine with it when I come out. If anything, they will feel sad that I haven't trusted them more to help me through this. My mom's comments weren't that homophobic, I didn't think... I probably explained them wrong. She was just commenting on the differences between European and American culture, and how homosexuality is, in general, more accepted over there. I got the sense from her that it was more to bring up the topic than anything.
It sounds to me as though there is a chance that she DOES know - however, I don't know your mum, or how odd it is for her to start up a topic on homosexuality, so don't take my word on it! However, that comment combined with what you said before, suggests to me that she would be supportive if you did come out to her - even if only after an initial period (if she doesn't already know). But good luck!
