Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Hi there...I just saw this forum like 20 minutes ago and decided this would be a place I can talk about what I am going through.

Where to start?

I am 25 and am a grad student in New York. I am originally from NC (I say this to highlight the differences in where I was born and where I currently live) I am the third of four children, the last two are myself and my twin sister. We are super close. My parents are Baptist minister, but surprisingly very liberal, open-minded. That is, until it comes to homosexuality.

My oldest brother has had a rocky history with my family. Being the oldest and watching three others come and take attention away from him probably wasn't the best thing growing up. He has a checkered past and it has played a lot into who I am. In 1997 he came out to my parents, and suddenly our world was turned upside down. My mom and dad were devastated, but over time have grown to love and accept him. His partner is a wonderful addition to our family and we all are close to my brother, his partner, and his gay roommate. Over time our relationship with our brother has slowly mended itself.

That is except for me.

I have always resented my brother, not because he is gay but because of who he was before he was gay. And now that he is gay, I feel like he has taken something away from me. You see, I am gay.

I have been gay for over a decade. I am not out however. I have had one girlfriend in my lifetime, and that was for 6 months my freshman year of high school. After that, having a relationship wasn't on my mind...mainly because I was navigating my sexual identity. When I got to college, instead of breaking out I became even more introverted. My relationship with my parents and my twin sister suffered. When I graduated from undergrad I moved back home to work. That was just adding more strain onto our relationship. My mom has wanted grandchildren forever. It has become a running joke because the two "straight" sons and the one daughter were her hopes for an extended family. My sister has been in a committed relationship now for 5 years. But my other brother doesn't want a relationship right now. It is the least of his worries right now.

But for me, my mom and I have had a special relationship. She wants me to find a girlfriend, constantly asking me if I have found a girlfriend while I am New York. The fact is, I could care less. I have been more concerned with my sexual identity than with finding a relationship.

I am not out because of my family. My mom has always asked if I was gay because I didn't have a girlfriend. She says that if another one of her children is gay, it would kill her. Guilt it is, and it worked. I would have come out when I was a freshman in college. I had planned to come out then, but I just sulked back to the closet because I was afraid of "killing" my parents. I have a handful of friends who know I was questioning my sexual identity, and they were and are supportive of me. As I have navigated these waters, it has only grown harder for me to maintain the lie of being straight. I used to justify my heterosexuality by saying I wanted a family and a wife. I would say to myself that I am sexually attracted to men, but I care about women...which proved my heterosexuality. In reality, I just wanted to find myself. In order to do that I had to come to terms with what I have been through and who I am today. It was only recently that I finally looked in the mirror and came out to myself as a gay man.

I am just looking for freedom. I don't want this weight on me anymore. I used to say that I would come out when I was less dependent on my parents. Currently that has not happened because I depend on them for tuition and other financial needs. I am scared of being cut off from them. I am scared period. I know what coming out will do to my family and what it will do to me. I can't seem to reconcile the two. To me, my life can wait. I know who I am, but I love my family so much more than to put myself before them. So I stay in the closet.

I just want to come out, but I am so hesitant because I am scared. My brother may have repaired the relationship with my family, and even become widely accepted with his partner as part of our family, but I am a different story.

I think they know though. They hint at it more now and then. It's not just used as an excuse for me not having a girlfriend. And now a part of my real self comes out when I am around them and they are comfortable with it because they see it as an act.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to vent my frustrations.

 

Thanks guys for letting me vent! It's true that I am probably scaring myself rather than my mom scaring me. My brother's partner and I get along great, and I feel so comfortable around him sometimes. Both my brother and him will definitely be good support networks.

I know my mom loves me. I know that sometimes she says things to get around the truth in hopes of maintaining the "lie." And I know that when I come out it will be difficult but she will come around. I think that's what made my journey so special is that I knew that my life wasn't going to be viewed as a sin or disgusting. I am just anticipating acceptance and, of course, freedom.

Thanks for letting me come here and open up about something I have been unable to talk about for years. I can breathe again. And now it is time to focus on my life.

 

Ok so I have been talking with my best friend. I kind of just came out to him because I trust him like a brother. And in my mind, if one person knows then I can breathe a little easier. I hope that I didn't cheapen the importance of it by telling him. I just had to tell someone and he was who I go to first.

I'll keep you updated!

 

Thanks guys for the encouragement.

Has anyone ever begun to second-guess their coming out? After telling my best friend I feel kind of terrified at what lies before me. I mean I have spent so many years telling myself I could hide it to preserve what I do have. Now I am trying to stay confident and strong about coming out. How do you combat both sides? I know which one should win because it is about me, but how do you reconcile years of hiding and the feelings of suppression?

I think I may have thought this could be done in one action altogether and now I am realizing how much time this is going to take. It can't all be done at once.

 

Update:

So i I came out to my best friend through an email because he lives in Texas and I was in North Carolina. I also did it this way instead of texting or calling because it was Thanksgiving. So I politely texted him that I had emailed him. The email was pretty straightforward. I told him that if he was uncomfortable with me to join the club because it is not so easy. I also told him that I respected his opinion and if he had one that I would gladly listen to it. If he didn't want to be around me or contact me at all I was prepared to be ok with it.

3 very long days passed. As soon as I sent the email I immediately tried to check and see if he had received it. I almost sent a follow up email just rambling about how sorry I was to him. And as each day passed I worried he had cut off all contact with me out of disgust. I had never thought he would be like that, but we are both very religious and he was very keen on making sure people couldn't fit him into some sort of personality. He always deflected political and religious conversations but I always assumed he was fairly open-minded. Every morning and almost every hour I checked my email to make sure he had sent a response, fighting every urge not to bother him over the holiday weekend.

This morning I checked my email and resigned myself to the possibility that he was not going to support me, and I was to be ok with it. If he was my friend then he would stand by me no matter what, and if he didn't, well then I didn't need him in my life. I wiped my brain from the worry and went along my day without any stress. Lo and Behold did I receive a text from him. He said he would never shut me off and that he was very proud of me for having the courage to speak up. He is a phd student in Texas and was stuck in class all day for exams but he said at the first chance he would call or email me a full response. He wanted to let me know I was his brother and nothing would change that, no matter who I loved.

I sat in my room and silently cried my eyes out with joy. And then I napped for what felt like forever and waking up I just felt renewed. I must be doing something right!

And now I am on to at least one more friend for the time being. If I can do that, then I can build up a network for when I come out to my family.

Thanks guys for the support!

 

So I thought I would add to this thread instead of starting a new one.

So it has been a crazy past 3 weeks for me. I have gone through so much change and self-discovery that I am exhausted mentally and physically. The highlight has been the friends I have made so far within the gay community. I truly felt like being gay was not as big of a deal as I have been making it. In the end I am me, and that was good enough to make new friends and have a support group in place.

But two things are getting to me.

1. I feel like I am depending way too much on the new friends I have to help me get through this journey. While I need them in my life, I should be able to work out my issues with a professional or at least trust myself to make the decisions. I'm worried about going on in my life and feeling like I have made a mistake. That seems to extend beyond my sexual orientation too. I am always scared of making a mistake, especially one that cannot be rectified. But isn't life about the journey and not end?

2. I am in no mood to be home for the holidays. I'm not out to my family, and that is just adding to the tension and aggravation that builds during this time. And I am afraid of just blurting out "I'm gay" out of anger or spite to my family. I want to do this right. I'm also upset about the timing. I was just building a great environment in New York for me, and now I am in NC for break. I mean it just stops the momentum like a brick wall. I am trying so hard to take my time with coming out, but I feel this need to do everything all at once. So I am struggling with providing myself some breathing room or just tearing down the entire wall.

Sorry guys...just needed to vent. And it's just day 1 at home...gotta get through this!

 

Merry Christmas everyone!

So last night was pretty rough for me. I guess I am a glutton for punishment because I decided to watch "Defying Gravity" before I went to bed. For some reason LGBT movies just cause me to spiral into depression. Afterwards I sat in my room and just cried my eyes out. I couldn't breathe. It was a really weird experience, one I don't believe I have ever felt before. I just sat in my room, in the dark, and quietly just reflected on my life.

As I sat there, I realized I know what I have to do, so why not do it? After what felt like an eternity, I stood up and resolved myself to come out to family before the end of the year. When I woke up this morning I had this feeling like it would happen today. Now I am super nervous and anxious, going so far as to really distance myself from my family on the most important family day of the year.

Regardless of what happens today, I know that I am slowly building courage to finally come out to my family. Hopefully 2014 will start out honest and open.