Hi, I've been a silent reader here for a while, but feel like I should really ask for some advice with coming out myself as the one person I came out to (while supportive) admitted she wasn't really sure what to suggest next. I'll try and keep things short - basically I came to uni last year after living abroad for a few years in a country where homosexuality is illegal. Because I never questioned my sexuality before (for obvious reasons), I never had reason to confront it, though I always subconsciously thought I might be gay. After a couple of faulty (attempts at) relationships with girls, on top of anxiety / sleeping problems and panic attacks, I knew something was missing and it was affecting my health. When I started to come out to myself, I realised there was a lot of deep shit I had stopped thinking about, and had kept suppressed. I completely broke down over the summer, felt distanced by my parents and family, and came back to uni feeling far more lost than I did in my first year. I'm usually quite a sociable and happy person, but being more conscious about my identity and sexuality this year has made it a lot harder to stop myself becoming depressed, especially since I struggle to talk about it. I came out to my housemate first as bisexual, then later as gay, then, well, not really sure. Indecisive much! I don't feel either really define who I am or my sexuality, though I feel using one or the other would be far easier for me to come out to other people, and just generally come to grips with it myself. I guess I would classify myself as "into guys" but I don't think I'd ever really know until I am in a relationship with one. But because of general confidence levels and the way news travels fast around uni (as in everyone I might know is friends with someone or another), I don't think I could start seeing someone unless I came out more first! I guess I'm not sure what to do now, or how to handle this Catch-22 situation. I just want to be enjoying uni life, and not feel I'm wasting away these years because I'm caught in this cycle. It doesn't help not knowing who to talk to - my housemate is great, but she's pretty busy a lot of the time, and I don't have many close gay friends. I also struggle to talk about personal issues in general - my housemate has witnessed me break down more than I've ever let myself go before. My family hasn't entered the equation yet, but I'd like to be a lot more sure of myself at uni before approaching them (I'm seeing them over Christmas which could be an opportunity to talk?). Sorry this is a bit of a dull read, but would be more than grateful for advice!
Welcome to EC, Jukebox. The usual way to get the first clue about whether you are gay or not is whether you are aroused by naked pictures of men, or naked pictures of women, or both. This is something you probably already know or you wouldn't be asking these questions or saying you are "into guys". The fact that you are not "into girls" doesn't automatically mean you are gay, you just might be somewhat asexual at this time for various reasons. As you have realized, the next step for you would be to date some guys and see how you feel about that, which is somewhat difficult to do without specifically looking for gay dates. You can begin this process by going to organizational meetings of gay support/activity groups, or going to bars or other hangouts where gay people from your campus tend to congregate socially. You don't have to explicitly "label" yourself to do this, but you will usually have to start hanging around gay people in groups to improve your odds, and preview some people in a non-dating context to see how you feel about them before you ask them to go out with you. Or, you can start working the computer to try and find other people who are looking for men to meet, and do it somewhat more anonymously, keeping in mind that most of these will probably just be "hookups", which begin as blind dates, if the people show up at all. None of this is "fun" if you are peeking out of the closet while you are trying to do it, but keep in mind that, as Dr Phil has said, "You wouldn't be so concerned about what people think, if you realized how little they do." You might be a minor gossip item for a day or two, if people who know you are seeing you actually date a guy repeatedly, but generally speaking, they aren't going to care very long. It is also possible to go on a "guy date" which is just going to a movie together or having dinner, or shooting some pool, which hetero guys at uni do all the time to waste time and blow off steam. It is only going to be a big deal if you make it that in your mind; to the rest of the world it is a yawn. As far as your family is concerned, you can always talk to your parents about the indecisive way you feel about your sexuality. You don't have to officially "come out" with a shiny label on your forehead, as though it is all a proven fact. Maybe they will support your efforts to figure it all out more than you think, so that when you DO actually decide for certain what your orientation is and come out, they will already be used to the idea and expecting something which may not be the usual brand of normal.
Hey there! I say pick someone who you know will be supportive and come out to them. It would be easier if you had a label, maybe you could choose something vaguer like "queer" if you like that one, or even just use the phrase you said, "I'm into guys," and if they say, "You're gay?" you can be like, "Gay or bi, haven't figured it out yet." I think it will make you feel better. And welcome to the UK by the way, it pleases me that my country is mostly a safe place for LGBT folks and that you have the option of being open about yourself here... use it... in case you don't know, it's illegal in England to discriminate against LGB in the workplace and your university is obliged to be supportive (also, I'm a teacher and I don't know any homophobic teachers... obviously there are some, but I think they're a minority) so you're in a good situation
Thank you, both of you for your advice! My laptop broke recently so I can't properly respond but I've taken your words into consideration and plan to come out to a couple of close friends just so I can feel more comfortable around them. I may talk to my mum over Christmas if I keep getting asked whether I have a girlfriend or not yet (think it's a good way to launch the conversation, especially as she probably already has intuitions about these things). Terms ending pretty soon, so hopefully next term I can actually try dating a guy! Also hitgirl I am actually from the UK but thank you for the tips! Will approach coming out to my friends like that Will let you know how everything goes!
