I posted on here about a month ago or so about thoughts I was having maybe being Bi, but things are changing in my head so fast. I just need some advice. Just to give you a little summary of my situation. My whole life I've always thought guys were hot. But, thought it was just sexual. Dated a couple girls, and really did like them. But, something was always missing. When it came to sex with a girl, it just wasn't working for me. Over the summer after a beak up I decided to start exploring guys a little more. Not really done much with a dude. And I thought it was all sexual, still even though I was acknowledging that I thought dudes were hot, the idea of having a relationship with one grossed me out. And thought only relationships were for chicks. In the past few weeks I find myself more and more thinking about being in a relationship with a dude. And wanting one bad. And now the idea of being in one with a girl just doesn't intrigue me as much. I realized I was officially bi a few months ago. But after all this Im starting to wonder if I'm even really bi, or if it was easier to tell myself that to accept myself more. I dont wanna be 100%.... I dont even want to say it. This whole thing is messing with me. I already have really bad anxiety, and this is making it much worse. I'm to point where it's all I think about, can't even sleep at night, and even feel constantly sad. I just wanna be normal like all of my friends, and have a normal relationship that society doesn't frown on. Lately I feel like I'm hiding part of me from my friends, and I really really wanna tell them. Because I know they'll be cool with it. But, I just can't bring myself to do it. I really wanted to maybe find a dude before I told them. Someone I was happy with to push me to confess it. But I'm not sure if that's even a good idea. Or if I should tell them first without springing it on them like that. I'm also so worried about the reaction Ill get from all of my buddies who I've slept, showered, and changed with over the past few years. I'm only 18 and Idk if I'm ready for them to know and go through hell for it. If I even will, some of them can be homophobes, but idk if they would be to a buddy. Right now I just have no support, so I'm turning here again. I told one friend a little while ago I think I might like dudes too. And it didn't matter. Great reaction, but I never see him. Because we go to different schools, and thats why, so I didn't have to face him all the time. I just wish I got to hang out with him more to actually talk about the problems Im having, because texting about them make me uncomfortable. Also, I have a gay cousin. We used to be super close until he came out (which has nothing to do with why we hate each other now). We're getting on better terms now, and I've considered turning to him as much as I hate that idea. He could either a. help out a lot, and maybe introduce me to some people, or b. tell everyone and ruin my life (seems more like what he'd do). Ive just heard mutual friends are the best way to meet people, but I have no one. So basically all I'm asking is should I tell my friends before I start to look for someone, or is it a good idea to find someone and then tell them. And also with finding someone, some advice on where to meet people would be awesome too. As well as some advice on coming to terms with it all. Thanks so much, This site has been such a huge help in my struggle. Sorry it ended up being long!
It is my ever-so-humble opinion that people need to be truthful with themselves before they are with others. Furthermore, it is my opinion that people who are not "out-and-about" will ultimately drag their partner down with them. It's like shaming someone in a place and then romanticizing them in another, all due to one person's fear. Sexuality, I think, is our path to walk and ours alone. After all, you cannot expect society to accept you if you will not accept yourself. Just my thoughts. Hate them or consider them, come what may.
The only way you are going to figure out whether you really "like dudes", in the sense of wanting to eventually be with and live with one, is to find, date, and establish a relationship with one. It is probably too early for you to come out as gay as a label until you have actually lived that life for a while. You can KNOW that a male body arouses your interest, but that does not mean you are ready to fall in love with some other man. Why not tell your friends that you want to try seeing and hanging out with a gay man and see how that feels to you to, and that you will get back to them later when you have it figured out, if you are going to tell them anything at all. You don't sound totally convinced about what you are, so telling them one thing now and maybe changing it again later doesn't have much point. Just tell them enough that they won't freak out if they see you spending a lot of time with some dude they know to be gay. And you may want to have a "normal" relationship, but you will eventually have a relationship that is normal for you, instead of necessarily normal for someone else, whether society "frowns upon it" or not. Be yourself; a lot of problems happen when you try to be someone you are not.
Agreed, it is. But I suppose that is part of the journey? On a deeper note, I do empathize. I used to feel that coming out would be easier if I had a man by my side to refer to. Someone who is there for both support and evidence, I suppose. Speaking from experience, during the times when I actually did "come out," having or not having a partner in my life did not influence the ease of it.
