Here's how it goes.... I realized I was gay/bi (I really lean towards gay at the moment) about six months ago. I have been ok with it, I mean it hasn't been exactly easy, but it's been generally fine. But lately, as I have been settling into this perception of myself more and more, I am having a bit of trouble. There is someone in my life who has been a wonderful friend to me and will always listen when I need someone, she is like my mentor (she's a lot older than me.) I haven't come out at all yet, but I am pretty certain she will be the first to know. She is getting married this summer to a wonderful man who makes her ridiculously happy and is very good to her. I want that. She talks to me about planning her wedding and how excited she is, I see her eyes light up when he walks in the room, I see how he makes her grin like a school girl when he does something cute. And it occurs to me, that is something I want in my life one day. My whole life I've been hearing the stories of charming princes carrying girls away: you know, all the classics. I guess I'm having trouble because I feel like I want to marry a man and have kids and have that normal life... I just don't really like men that way. I know, I could marry a woman, but am I wrong to think that that wouldn't ever be quite the same? I know that it would be dumb and pointless to try and change who I am, but I just can't help wanting to sometimes. How do I deal with this feeling that I won't ever be able to have the future I would like to have? How do I deal with wanting to change who I am, but knowing I can't? I don't know, I guess this is the only road block left between me and fully accepting myself. You guys rock, please help me.
Hey silentsound! I have been in a similar position. I quite recently woke up to my sexuality and for a while I felt sad because all the romantic straight dreams didn't apply to me anymore. I know that feeling like you're never going to have a fairytale. But I am managing to get over it, and so can you The best thing for me was to surround myself with cultural images of gay people as much as I could, to make myself see how many possibilities there were. So whenever I thought of some straight couple, or saw a romantic film, and I started to think "poor me it wouldn't work", I would deliberately remind myself of a romantic lesbian couple or story and think "No, it can and will happen to me too; only with a girl, which will be BETTER, because they're hot!" I did that through obsessively reading loads of stories about lesbian women. I found that afterellen.com, as a provider of news about queer women, was very helpful in showing me what varied and fulfilling lives we can have. I also sought out all the books, films, shows, songs, and plays which positively portray lesbians. There are actually quite a lot of them once you dig below the surface. I can recommend some things in a private message if you're at a loss. The best thing for me was the L Word which is why I'm so obsessed with it. *hugs L Word tightly* Once you have seen lots of representations of lesbian stories, in all their glory, some romantic, some sultry, of all sizes and shapes, you start to realise that everything is possible, and that that fairytale can have 2 princesses if you want it to. Oh, and one final thing can help. Once you actually find yourself in a romantic situation with a girl, or discover somebody likes you, it can really help. It made me realise that all that exciting I-have-a-crush I-really-want-to-kiss-them stuff can happen just as well with a girl. The excitement, the romance, it can all be there. You just have to wait for the right girl to come along and she will carry you away. Or, you can carry her. Or you can take it in turns Seriously, all that cute stuff can happen to us too, no matter what the hetero-concentrated world may project. Good luck! You'll feel better soon. (*hug*)
>>>I know, I could marry a woman, but am I wrong to think that that wouldn't ever be quite the same? Yes. You ARE wrong. First off, you'll notice one thing about fairytales - they fade out awfully early. Usually just before, during, or right after the wedding. Then they assure you that "they all lived happily ever after". It's as if they pull the curtain and say, "OK - that's it. Nothing more to see here." But the story doesn't end after the wedding. The wedding is a starting point, not a finish. (A friend of mine astutely pointed out "A lot of women spend a good chunk of time planning their wedding day. It'd be nice if they planned for the thousands of days that come after that one.") That's when the story really begins. The building a home together, a life together. Learning how to be part of a couple. The art of give-and-take. All of that. It's a lifelong process. I don't say that to crumble people's hopes or anything. Because building a life together is perhaps the ultimate act of love - intertwining your lives. When you see couples who aren't just ga-ga for each other, but really comfortable together after some time - that's really a beautiful thing. Hopefully you can see where I'm headed here. Your wedding day - or "civil union day", or whatever you want to call your public declaration of fidelity - may not be what you see in Disney films. It may not be in the cathedral, the choir might not be there, you might not be wearing a large white frilly dress, what have you. But your day will still be incredible. It'll still be your special day. And, even better, the thousand days following will be precisely the same as any straight person's. That whole building-a-life thing. If you decided to marry a guy just for the fairy tale, sure, you might have a wedding closer to a Disney film. But you're gonna have a hellacious time on all the days following, trying to build a life with somebody you don't honestly feel for. Much better to take a VERY small hit on the wedding day to ensure a happy lifetime. Lex
Of course you can be happy with a woman! I agree with Psychadelic Bookmarks--you need to show yourself that women can have wonderful relationships together. My prime example *cough-cough Avatar* is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. There is a BEAUTIFUL lesbian couple (Willow and Tara *Tara's my avatar*) that honestly made me realize that I was lesbian--because I've seen all these straight things and I thought, "Oh, that's sweet," and then I watched the interactions between Willow and Tara and I thought, "OHHHHHH...." Because they are so beautiful together and so compatible and it's the most romantic thing I've ever seen in my life. There are some compilations of Willow-Tara images to various songs on Youtube if you want to check them out--it is SO ROMANTIC. And yes, you can be happy. If you find women attractive and you like the idea of being with women, you will be happy. And lesbian love can be beautiful. A poem: *hem-hem* A single idea One thought, never forgotten Taking her over with bliss. The veil of ignorance Lifted The lids of her eyes Opened And she feels at home In darkness's arms Cradled in the soft blankets Of that which is forbidden. Rejected by society She finds a home In love Which everyone looks down upon. Hold her close, Shield her Now she's found a home But no one else accepts That she's not like them... Cover her with forbidden love Held in the arms of... Silently carress her And make her feel so... Not sure if they should look Or look away The eyes in the sky Close halfway To watch and shield themselves From unbound, beautiful love. -MeskElil I think that sums it up... In short: Know that you can find love, and that it is possible. And check out Buffy the Vampire Slayer...Willow and Tara are golden...
Thanks. Yeah, I did write it. It was my first poem on lesbian love. The ones before it were all based on unrequited love *sigh* because of things of my past...but now those things make sense to me. I'm glad you liked it.
welcome silent sound. im sure what your thinking at the moment, everyone on this forum has gone through. knowing that if you are gay, than you will never get married or have kids. but that is not exactly true. soon (and in some states you already can) you will be able to get married. there are many ways to become a mother, addoption, ivf ect... but there is no point in denying yourself of who you are just to find that prince charming, get married and live happily ever after... it hardly ever happens anymore, and it wont be woth putting yourself through it. i went through the same thing a couple of months ago, and i am through the other side. things look better. i am almost sure of who i am. and that is what i want to be. i dont want to be straight, and i dont need to conform to the values of straight people to make me happy. hope things sort out for you. pm me if you ever want to talk.
Hello and welcome! I agree with what has been said here, especially by Psychadelic Bookmarks. I think that it is something a lot of us go through, especially women, who, I think, have in some way been culturally conditioned to want a really big white wedding with all the trappings... I myself am struggling with this (I want a really big white wedding in a Church. Catholic Church. Yeah, right, gonna happen). But think about this: if you are a lesbian, then these things will only ever be fairytales, and if you are straight, they only ever were make-believe. It's a matter of distinguishing between what you think you want and what you *want*. And realising that many things that people want from life were never being offered in the first place. A wedding is just a day, and relationships always change over time, with the initial buzz of excitement being replaced with trusting and quiet contentment. Or at least this is my dream for the future But you can keep the central concept of being-swept-off-your-feet. A person can be swept off their feet by anyone, be they the same sex, or the oppposite sex. But I think that if you meet that special someone, and you love them, and they you, they will become your dream, and your fairytale.
I know how you feel I'm in exactly the same place right now I just didn't know how to put it into words. And thanks Psychadelic Bookmarks what you said has really helped and has got me thinking.
Just wait until you meet that special girl. Then you'll have that twinkle in your eyes as well! You'll say to yourself "Now I get it! This is how my friend felt when she met the man of her dreams!" My bf and I feel that way. We were both married to women, and never felt quite 'right'. We never understood how our wives were SO crazy about us - we knew we weren't feeling quite the same way about them. THEN we met each other, and we know how it feels to be totally and completely in love with someone. It's amazing! Accepting who you are is really important for you to move on. Accepting things as they are presented to you is probably one of the most difficult things to do in life. We all want things to be different in one way or another. I wish you all the best. And welcome to EC!
