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Did I really come out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Sal, Dec 1, 2013.

  1. Sal

    Sal Guest

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Arkham Asylum
    So people pretty much know that I like girls, however they've all jumped to the conclusion that I'm lesbian; which is understandable. Yet there lies part of the problem. Lesbians are females who love other females. I don't particularly feel like a female nor do I behave like one most of he time. Actually, I'd be a lot happier if I was male. Last year I began the process of disposing of all the female clothes I own and have been replacing them with new male clothing. This has all been done without my mother noticing. I also plan on buying a binder once I turn 18, something I've wanted to do for a while now. I don't know if I'm butch, trans, or just like looking like a guy.

    When interacting with some of the guys at my school I'm disturbed by their lack of manners and etiquette. Their crude humor and behavior astounds me and I find that I don't have much in common with them. But of course that's only a few to the many other guys in the world and in high school non the less. I've meet a few that are pretty decent fellows and found that I did share many similarities with them.

    Girls on the other hand are an entirely different matter. One or two of them at a time is easy enough to handle, but a whole group of them are terrifying! When it's one or two I can keep the conversation focused on things that are understandable and easy to comprehend, but it's impossible with more of them! I get sucked up in the whirlwind of estrogen and can barley breath! After some practice I've learned that I can get by with a few well placed "uh huh", "yeah", or "I totally agree". But other than that I haven't a clue as to what they're talking about. Yet, it could just be that I haven't interacted with the right group of females.

    People who know me are always "so your a lesbian?", "how long have you been a lesbian?", "I always knew you were a lesbian", or after I've said that I like girls "so, what your saying is that your a lesbian?"

    At this point I just stare blankly with a wtf look, 'cause I've honestly got no reply for them.

    A few of the girls who I interact with on a daily basis have even told me that I don't behave like a girl and they find my guy-like responses amusing, whatever that means.

    And am I even really out of the closet? Sure people are okay with me liking girls, but would they except that I myself might not be a girl? Is it cheating to just let them all label me whatever and say I'm lesbian? I don't even like the word! The most I'm willing to refer to myself as is gay, because even that has various meanings!

    The reason I bring all this up is because my mother is going through another one of her "why don't you dress like a girl" phases. I though coming out to her as gay, even if it wasn't exactly my choice, would have put a stop to this nonsense. But alas, it seems I was wrong.
     
  2. Emma47833

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2013
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    Location:
    Kentucky
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I completely understand what you're going through! Sometimes I just feel so uncomfortable in my body. I wear my hair in a ponytail literally all the time. I don't really know how to do anything to it. I have no interest in learning how to either. I am the same way with make up. You are a lot more out than I am, but I can relate to you! It is so very confusing :frowning2: