Too straight to be gay, too gay to be straight

If I were you I would wait until you are not dependant on your parents in any way, if your not already.

 

Hey I think I understand where you are coming from. I felt the same way at one time and in a way still do. I only had straight guy friends because they were who I related to before I came out. And guess what? It is the same now. I don't have much in common with the gay guys I have met. I was afraid of losing my friends too but even though I was sure I would that did not happen. It may not for you either. Nothing changed after I came out and I wasn't expecting that. I felt much better though. Like I wasn't hiding anymore. And I have had the effect of changing a lot of people's minds about what they think gay people are. So that is pretty cool. As far as the gay pride thing well im not. It is nothing to be proud of or ashamed of either. It is what it is. Some people are so proud they make their whole life about being gay. It is the number one identifying thing in their life. They will tell you they are gay before they tell you their name. I think that is very unhealthy as your sexuality is only a part of you it shouldn't overtake your whole life. Don't worry so much about your friends and stuff they may end up surprising you

 

As far as the Army is concerned, your CO could get into major trouble with the IG if he permitted you to be treated negatively because you are gay, and I don't think it is the problem it used to be during the earlier eras. Look up "russmarine2014" on YouTube and check out his videos. He doesn't seem to be having any problem with his fellow troops for being gay, and most of his friends are straight and Marines. As far as the "gay community" is concerned, your biggest problem in fitting in with them will be figuring out who they are, because most of them will be as normal seeming as anybody else; flamboyant is mainly on television sitcoms or in drag bars. Gay isn't abnormal, it is just a different version of normal.

As far as your family is concerned, they probably don't know anyone who is gay, except you. They have not cut you off or shunned you have they? You will be the same person when you come out to them that you are right now, and you should point that out to them.

There is nothing terrible or crazy about being a gay person, which they may finally come to realize when they find out that the person who has been living with them for several decades is gay. Focus on the positives rather than the negatives, and come out as soon as you are ready; it only gets more difficult the longer you wait, particularly if you make the mistake of marrying a girl because you think that that is what you are "supposed" to do to please everyone but you.

 

I totally get the fitting in part, but remember, being gay doesn't define who you are. You define who you are. Being gay is just a part of it. It shouldn't change your personality, attitude, or ideals. You wake up every day and you live your life. My brother who is gay is how you would describe gay but I am so not like that. I love jeans and t-shirts, sports (especially NCAA), and just a real laid back life.

As far as your parents, even the more liberal families (like my surprisingly liberal, Baptist minister parents) are hesitant to homosexuality. It feels even worse when you are the second in your family to be gay.

But that isn't meant to discourage you. I hope it shows that you are not alone, and that even though our situations are not similar (I'm not in the army), we are still very much along the same path. I actually think you're lucky to have experiences with both sexes to help your mind click. Sometimes it just takes a revelation that has been brewing for years to change your life.

Good luck man!

 

First and foremost I'd like you to know that you are not alone in wanting to not be alone. What I mean is I know that feeling all too well, where you want to change the life your living now - what you have now just isn't you - but doing so means (or so you think) loosing everything and everyone you love. And so, the options are stick to the safe route where you live a lie, or be truthful to who you are but risk loosing everything.

In the end, what you do is going to depend on what you want, and where you want to go with your life. If your goal is to somehow come out and change your life, I think you'll find that it doesn't end up as bad as you think it does. And if you decide to wait for a while until you have a different situation and aren't as dependent on your family, that is a entirely respectable choice too.

As for being gay in the military, (I'm only an open army brat, not an actual soldier) I think you'll find that most of young soldiers very open minded. Maybe not, I don't know them. But my father, who is a lieutenant colonel, says that the younger soldiers who are joining, for them, sexual orientation is simply not an issue. Most are cool with it. He says it's mostly older folks who may not be as comfortable with it. Plus, ever since don't ask don't tell was repealed, I think it's against military policy to give someone crap because they're gay.

And even if your bros seem like they're homophobic, they're probably not. They probably just haven't ever had a friend who was gay before. I came out to several people, some of them gamers who use "that's gay" or "fag" all the time, and they're chill with it, as well as conservative religious folks who said "oh, okay, I still love you." The military environment may be a slightly conservative one, but it is also a very tolerating environment. If you decide to come out, I think they'll just be surprised at most. I don't think they would have an issue with it. And I don't think you being gay will hold you back in moving up the ladder in the military.

As for your family, if you decide to come out to them, all I would advise is that you do so where you know you won't be dependent on them, and be prepared. I would also give them the benefit of the doubt, no matter how unlikely, that they may just come around and end up accepting you, even if it takes a while and they're not entirely comfortable with it. It's not hard to hate anonymous people who chose a lifestyle you deem unacceptable, it's another to hate a family member who does.

Pretending to be straight, I'm assuming you meant, IS exhausting. That may be one of the reasons you may end up deciding to come out. Lemme just tell you, after you DO come out, the world doesn't end, the sky doesn't fall, and it never ends up being as bad as you think it will be. It's also very relieving, as you can now openly love whoever you like without it being a surprise. I understand if you want to post-pone your outing, but remember this is the one life you live. It would be a shame if you missed out on your true love because you were too afraid of what the world may think to allow such a relationship.

Who says you don't fit into the gay community? There are plenty of masculine gay guys, many in the military, who don't act flamboyant at all. (not that that's wrong or anything) I think the reason why most people think the stereotypes are what we actually are is only because those who fall into the stereotypes are the proudest and most outspoken on being gay, and aren't afraid to push social norms. You would fit into the community just fine, especially if there is a gay military group or something. You wanna know why? Being gay may be an aspect of what you are, but it isn't who you are. You will still be you, whether you end up falling for girls, or guys.

I hope this helps and sorry that it's so long. This post just touched home with me because I completely understand. At least from what I read, I feel like I've been exactly where you have before.

 

Well said.

I wonder if they conducted a study of 100 gay men (leaving bi men out of this) who were carefully selected to represent a real cross sample of society and dressed them up in the same clothes (maybe like blue or green hospital worker apparel), and then asked straight people who weren't too worldly what percent would "looks straight to me," "I'm not sure," and "he's probably or definitely gay." I'd bet there would be way more "could pass" types than people think.

What you do between the sheets is a very small part of who you are. To those who are critical or phobic, they think that's all gay people do 24/7.