Sort of came out to my parents in an argument before I was ready :(

I always imagined coming out to be a planned and civilised discussion when the time was right and I was sure of myself. I know every piece of advice you read says NEVER come out in an argument.... Well it seems that is what I've managed to do It's taken me a couple of days to decide to post this here. I wish it had never happened. I'm sorry it's so long.

On Sunday evening my Mum and I were having a sort of argument/heated discussion about the fact she had insulted the clothes I was wearing earlier that day. She was saying things like "I used to be proud of you", "you seem to want to dress like a man", "...it's a shame because you're such a pretty girl" etc. It's not the first time we'd had such a discussion but it really upset me. I sat alone and struggled to hold back the tears. (Actually, I don't dress like a man, never buy mens clothes, I'm just not into pretty girly things). I couldn't help thinking if she was this intolerant and judgemental of my dress sense, just because she doesn't see it as 'normal' what would she be like if she knew I'm attracted to girls. Or I thought what if she was saying these things because she's reading into the clothes I wear meaning something about my sexuality. These thoughts just upset me more. My mum had walked away from me and was about to go out. She came to say goodbye and that she was sorry, and I struggled to say goodbye through my tears and said that she needs to think about how hurtful the things she says are. I started sobbing there and then in front of her. She proceeded to take off her coat and sit down, saying she wasn't leaving me like this. I told her I wasn't going to talk to her and went to my room.

I calmed down but a while later she came to talk to me. She apologised and I would have been happy to leave it at that. But she pushed it. She then went on to say she thought I was obsessed with a particular female celebrity, "some GAY singer and actress" she said. She was suggesting I try to dress like her, grow my hair like her, and spend ages listening to her music and watching videos of her etc. I said I'm not obsessed with her ( I'm a fan yes, like many others, but not obsessed). She said she doesn't believe me and its a bit worrying really (the way she said it, it was obvious she found it worrying because she was gay). I actually don't know where my mother expected the conversation to go from here. But it made me incredibly sad and angry that she considered someone a bad influence because they are gay. I said to her how does she think it makes me feel to hear her say things like that. Then eventually she just came out with the question "why do you think you might be gay?". In that split second I didn't know what to say. Do I outright lie because I'm in the middle of an argument or do I stand up for myself for once. I'd had enough of lying. I'd said no to this question before. So after a long silence I said "I can't really answer that question one way or the other, after all I've never had a relationship at all have I". I think I went on to say other things like "I don't know what to say". Mum said nothing and walked away to her room. I was now in a blind panic. I couldn't believe what I'd just done. I followed her quickly and sat on the edge of her bed. I said "what do you want me to say, is there anything you want to say to me". She just said "I don't know what to say, if you took my blood pressure now it'd be through the roof". She eventually asked why I thought I might be gay. I said well don't you just know and feel it. I mentioned a girl I was obsessed with when I was 15, she said that's normal to be obsessed she had been obsessed with friends when she was younger. I said there had been another girl only in the last couple of years. I never said anything about being in love with a girl or feeling anything sexual. She said I think you're just confused. In the remainder of the conversation there were long silences. I told her if I could roll back time and not have this conversation I would. I said I know it's not something she'd have imagined for me, but that I'm still me, why should it make any difference. She basically said she'd always love me unconditionally but that doesn't mean she'd always like me. Making out she likes me as she knows me but you can't say you'd always like someone if they are not the person you know. Basically she was saying she would love me but not necessarily like me if I'm gay. At this point I realised what a mistake I'd made. I immediately started back tracking. I said maybe I am confused. I named two boys I had been obsessed with in the past. Trying to say it could go either way. It doesn't mean I won't get married one day. The conversation came to a stop eventually when I'd backtracked as far as possible. She said "do me a favour, go and tell your dad everything you've told me. He deserves to know and I can't talk about it to him". I agreed. We talked further and she said she can't cope with all the stress. She's under a lot of pressure at the moment with family issues. I feel awful I've added to it all.

I went through with Dad how the conversation had arisen. Told him most of what I'd told Mum. Although perhaps putting more emphasis on not being sure. I said right now I can't say what I am either way. Dad was lovely. He hugged me and said he just wanted me to be happy, he loved me and he was sure I'd make a great parter for someone one day. He was a little shocked at Mums reaction. I told him I knew she'd react like that for years, but I wished I'd not had the conversation in an argument. I asked what I should do. I said I just wanted to backtrack as much as possible and tell Mum I'm confused and to take no notice of me. We agreed I could tell her with more certainty should the need arise in future. He said that's not fair on me but probably the best thing to keep everything normal for now. He also said he thought she'd be more accepting should I ever actually be in a relationship with a woman!!! Don't know why!

I went back to mum and talked some more. Saying she was right, I'm just confused like she said was normal. I'm quite young in my mind, maybe I'm slow getting to the confusion stage. They were just normal obsessions you get with some friendships. I hoped it was working. I said I'm sorry for stressing her out but try not to think about it, it's not a big deal. We talked about the other stresses she has in her life and eventually she just broke down crying telling me to leave her alone. I got Dad and she sobbed in his arms. He told her we are where we are and we'll get though it together. I could see this had made Mum panic and stressed her out totally. I wanted things to go back how they were.

That night and over the last couple of days I went on to describe the stress I'm under since finishing university. How I struggle to make friends generally, feel sort of socially isolated and get panic attacks in social situations. I discussed my concerns about work and the stress I'm under with that. All the time trying to make out I'm stressed and I'd blown the thing about my sexuality out of proportion because of all the other stressful stuff going on in my head. I explained that I'm confused and read into things too much and when I'm stressed I say things I don't mean. My mum said yesterday that she had been thinking about her friend when she was younger. She used to get a longer bus route home to catch the same bus as her because she wanted to spend time with her. I said yeah maybe what I'm feeling was like that! She also said she never thought she'd get married and maybe it's similar things I'm feeling.

I feel things have settled a little now. There's still tension and awkwardness. I can't help feeling I've made a big mess of it all. I cant believe i let this happen but i just snapped. Had you asked me last week am I gay?, I'd have said I'm 95% sure I was. I was never going to come out to my parents until I was financially independent, out of their house and probably in a relationship with a girl and it was absolutely necessary. At the moment I'm not any of these things! Since all this I feel totally confused, I've even started thinking maybe I could be straight. My Dad thinks I'm bisexual because of the way I'd explained it. My mum thinks I'm straight but confused (but I think secretly she's terrified I'm gay). I love my mum more than anything in the world. We have been through so much together and she's my best friend. I couldn't live without her so I'd rather lie and keep things as they were for now. I hate that it has to be like this but for some reason I CAN'T feel Angry at her. I just feel angry at MYSELF and totally confused once again.

As for how to move forward... I think I'm going to wait and see what happens. Not label myself. I obviously wasn't sure enough or anywhere near ready to come out. I'll wait and see whether I get into a relationship with a girl (or a guy) and take it from there. I know my Dad will be cool with it. And I can only hope I have planted the seed in my Mums mind that if she thinks "what if she is gay" for long enough she might get used to the idea by the time it matters more. Does this sound realistic?

Any thoughts or advice greatly appreciated

 

Thanks for the support. I wish I'd had more time to prepare what to say. I can't help but think I've probably made it worse by not explaining what I feel for girls properly. But the atmosphere felt so awkward the second the possibility I was gay was mentioned that I felt there was no choice but to cover up what I'd said as much as possible. Certainly whilst I'm still living with my parents.

What I hate more than anything is how it's made me doubt my sexuality AGAIN. Asking myself.... Maybe I'm not gay, maybe I'm bisexual or even straight. I felt better before feeling comfortable with myself in private. There's no relief in having told them I'm questioning my sexuality. Even my Dads support is overshadowed by my Mums reaction to the possibility and now my own internal confusion.

I wish all this had never happened.

 

It's ok. What you say is totally right, just a little hard to hear. It's partly my fault that I've ended up feeling this way I think. I picked the wrong time and the wrong circumstances to try to explain my sexuality. Consequently I made a less than satisfactory job at explaining myself and any rational person would have probably thought I am just confused. But that doesn't excuse the things my mother said to make me feel like a second rate human being.
But never the less you're right. Even if I can't openly be honest about who I am right now, I can't afford to begin the horrible circle of lying to myself inside my head once again.

---------- Post added 6th Dec 2013 at 02:29 AM ----------

I think the problem stems from the fact my mother does not see me as a grown woman, an adult. This is ridiculous when I'm 23 but it's how it is.

She has threatened our relationship with the things she said, whether she realises it or not. But weirdly it hasn't made me hate her or love her any less. It doesn't even surprise me it just saddens me and pressures me silently. Right now, while I'm not in a romantic relationship and living with my mother on a daily basis I can carry on living my life as I was in the closet, with her dreaming that I'm 'normal'. Although she must have doubts that theres a chance i wont turn out the way she imagines! It's easier that way. But it doesn't change the fact that there will come a time I have to challenge the situation. But that time will be when I have something to gain by making the challenge. Right now it would simply be destructive.

 

I know it could be worse. I don't think I'll be kicked out or cut off financially like you say. The awkwardness is the worst of it and I understand this is to be expected in most cases. It's been 5 days now and it's not spoken about and things are carrying on as normal almost as if nothing ever happened with only slight tension. I'm grateful that my life hasn't fallen apart but it feels like I've taken a step backwards not forwards. After all they think I'm just confused and have no idea of how certain I am that I'm not straight.
I know it must be hard for my mum too and I need to consider that. But I think I may have made it worse for her and given her false hope. The way I've handled it was far from ideal: saying I think I'm gay then gradually back tracking to say I'm confused and to take no notice of me and what I'd told her. Now I know I'm going to have to go through this all again at some point, only next time I know how she'll react and I'll just have to be firm and not backdown. I can only hope that she'll spend between now and when we have this conversation in the future thinking 'what if she is gay' and getting used to the idea.

 

Funny how we come across situations on here that mirror our lives so closely isn't it! I hope things go more smoothly for you when you decide to talk. I hope maybe you can learn from the mess I made for myself and try to avoid getting yourself in a similar situation - I wouldn't recommend it! But we can't always control things, I know. Sometimes things happen for a reason!

 

'You can't go back to where you never were' .... Deep down I know this and I've been fighting with myself for years because if it. I know I have to be true to myself. The thing is the moment I said it out loud the other day it just didn't feel right, and this terrified me. I didn't even say the words "I'm gay" or "I think I'm gay" or "I'm not straight" or even "I fancy girls". I couldn't get these words out of my mouth. But in answer to the question "do you think you might be gay?" I said "I can't answer that" and went on to talk as if I might be and about how my mum would feel if I was. As I was talking as if I was gay, for those few minutes it felt scary and wrong. This was the first time in my life where I had ever talked about these feelings aloud to anyone, the first time I had ever been 'out', even though I did make a terrible and inadequate job of explaining myself. And a few minutes of being 'out' was enough for me.... So I did everything I could to make her think I was confused so I could get back in the closet (somewhere I felt safe).

I'm grateful that my life hasn't fallen apart but it feels like I've taken a step backwards not forwards. After all they think I'm just confused and have no idea of how certain I am that I'm not straight.My immediate thought was... 'Why did it feel so wrong saying it out loud?'. So I started to think that maybe I had it all worked out wrong in my head. After all if I'm sure of who I am it should feel right and a relief saying it out loud shouldn't it? Is this normal? Maybe it means I'm not as sure of my identity as I thought.

I know I need to focus on getting independent financially and socially. And by making out I'm confused to pacify the situation is part of this. It might sound like I'm kidding myself or in denial but its not about that. Im in my final year of training for a profession that will earn me good money and give me the independence I need in future. I could see that being open and out at home would create extremely awkward environment (at least for a while) which would do nothing but make me so miserable that I wouldn't be able to achieve my independence. I'd mess up my exams and work which ultimately would leave me in an even worse place.

My mother is not a dysfunctional parent, she is a dysfunctional person. I love her dearly despite this. She has a lot of stress in her life and she was already struggling to cope. We have been through a lot together during many years where my father was critically ill. The fact we have this bond means its even harder to hear her say the things she did. I will never understand why she thinks be not being straight makes me no longer the person she has known for 23 years. That I'm a different person and she can't like this other person but can still love them? I know it must be hard for my mum too and I need to consider that. But I think I may have made it worse for her and given her false hope. The way I've handled it was far from ideal: saying I think I'm gay then gradually back tracking to say I'm confused and to take no notice of me and what I'd told her. She must be confused about it all.

Right now, while I'm not in a romantic relationship and living with parents on a daily basis I can carry on living my life as I was in the closet, with her dreaming that I'm 'normal'. Now I know I'm going to have to go through this all again at some point, only next time I know how she'll react and I'll just have to be firm and not backdown. I can only hope that she'll spend between now and when we have this conversation in the future thinking 'what if she is gay' and getting used to the idea. There will come a time I have to challenge the situation. But that time will be when I have something to gain by making the challenge. Right now it would simply be destructive.

But after all, even despite my best attempts to go back into hiding.... I am at least 'out' a little bit now aren't I? Even if I'm not and they're not sure what I'm out as?

 

Thank you, so much. What you have said here is a comfort and a help to see things more clearly.

I know it's hard for parents to hear it and they can't just get used to it in the space of a few minutes. I don't think for one minute she's out to upset me like you say (although she must know she has and probably feels guilty about it I'm guessing). A lot of her reaction is probably due to fear for me and probably to a greater extent herself. Thoughts of how will my life turn out, how will her family take it, what would her friends say... Like you say it's similar to how I felt when I first started questionning my sexuality, and even to a very small extent how I still feel now. I think there's truth in what you say about her NOT completely ignoring it. Surely she wouldn't outright ask me, no matter how far I pushed her, if she wasn't suspicious or if she was totally against it. But having said that I never will understand the way her mind works. It's as if nothing ever happened now. Very slight unspoken tension but otherwise normal. This confuses me but I suppose it's because I basically said I was confused and what I'd said about me questionning my sexuality probably meant nothing. She either believes this or she's putting on a damn good act!

I totally appreciate and admire my Dad for taking it so well. I wish I'd told him first, then I could have been more honest with him. What I said was totally tainted by my Mum's reaction. He thinks I'm more confused than I am but I think he'd be fine with it if I told him how I really feel. I'm tempted to talk to him again but dont know if I should yet? Maybe he will shed more light on how he thinks my Mum really feels. But the last thing I want to do is create a divide between them by asking him to keep things from my Mum or by him getting frustrated at her lack of understanding.

I hope you're right, and the way she is in the future won't necessarily resemble the way she behaved a few days ago. It's interesting you should suggest a letter, that's always how I'd thought I'd tell them. I'd even started writing one a few weeks before this all happened. I didn't have any intention of giving it to them but I had made a start nonetheless. At the moment, I honestly can't see me having this conversation again with her until I have to. If and when I'm in a relationship with a girl and I can show her how happy it makes me. Then I will at least have something worth destroying things for when I drop the bomb as you put it!

I haven't talked about this to any friends yet. It would be easier if they knew and I wish I'd been stronger to tell them sooner, then I could lean on them a bit now. I don't have a large circle of friends I regularly socialise with, just 2 or 3 close friends who aren't that easy to get together with due to distance etc. I have told myself when I next see one of them in particular, I will tell her. She knows there's an issue I've been struggling with and she's tried to get me to open up but I wouldn't. Maybe now is the time to trust her.

In answer to your question 'how comfortable do you feel with your sexuality yourself?': it's hard to put this into words. Does this sound like I'm comfortable yet?! .... I fluctuate between being positive I'm gay and then less sure. Having never had a relationship I have no 'concrete evidence' of how I feel with either a girl or a guy. I've had crushes and sort of been in love but its been secret and unrequited. For so long I've been letting this become an excuse or and obstacle. Telling myself I can't know til I've tried it, I don't want to come out and find I've got it all wrong. I suppose I've been searching for a label to define me so I can make it easier to explain it to others and in a way this has been holding me back too. I'm 100% certain I'm attracted to women. Thats the one thing I am sure of! I can see myself in a relationship with a woman romantically and sexually. I can imagine being open about it. BUT, when I try to imagine marrying a woman and having kids with a woman, this type of lifestlye doesn't feel right, yet. Thats not to say I don't agree with other people doing these things. I just seem to feel unnerved when I imagine it for myself. Maybe this isn't surprising when I'm not living openly. As for my attraction for men, it's very minimal BUT I can't say with 100% certainty it's not there. Because of this there's always that stupid nagging doubt.... What if I do fall in love with a guy and live happliy what appears to others a 'straight life' then all of this would be for nothing. I was attracted to guy mate of mine about 5 years ago. Nothing came of it, and now when I look at men who I can see are attractive, I can't see myself being in a physical relationship with them. But there's always that what if I feel that again... I honestly think I've put so much time and energy into analysing all my thoughts and feelings over and over that I've started to lose sight of myself and who I REALLY am. Thinking about who I'm looking at? Do I find them attractive? What if I'm just telling myself I do to fit the identity that I've concluded on? It's a vicious circle and I need to snap out of it and just be me for a while and not think it all over constantly.

So that's what I'm going to do. Be me. Not let this stuff define me and take over my identity. See where that takes me.

 

The atmosphere and awkwardness will no doubt stick around. This all happened at the beginning of my week off work. Bad timing! So we've been spending more time than ever together in the last week. Yep my Mum's reaction has knocked me down alright. But it didn't shock me. She said years ago she wouldn't exactly be pleased if I was gay so I knew she'd be that way. But I suppose I always hoped it'd be different. I'm glad things settled down with your parents over time. Sounds like you had a pretty rough time of it for while.

No, you haven't made me more confused. You make a good point about not waiting to get a girlfriend before coming out again. I can see how destructive that could be and it would probably just send any girl running!! I'll give it time. I'll speak to my Dad again sometime but not just yet (and yes he's cool, but even he wouldn't be up for a night on Canal Street either!). Maybe with time my Mum will come to me, who knows! And if she doesn't I'll try again. But it'll be when I'm feeling a lot stronger and happier with myself than I do now.

What you write about the 'labelling thing' is a perfect way to think of it. And a perfect way to explain to anyone pushing you for a label. If I had to pick the closest label now it would probably be 'gay/lesbian'. But, for now I'm going to avoid the labels. I think they just add to my confusion and anxiety. I'm going to focus on accepting the simple fact that I'm attracted to girls (because that's what I am totally sure about).

You're right, I need to open up to at least one friend. I need at least one person to lean on. I always told myself I would come out to a friend first because it'd be easier to get myself into talking about it. But I guess things happened faster than I'd planned! The friend I mentioned desperately wanted to be supportive when things were getting me down at the beginning of this year, but I pushed her away at the time. She understood I wasn't ready to talk but she said I could talk to her about ANYTHING. Whether this issue falls into her definition of 'anything' remains to be seen. Im worried it might not, particularly with her strong religious upbringing. But I guess I'll take a chance and see what happens! There's the added complication that I was completely in love with her about 3 years ago. (I feel your pain!! I see you mention you're going through something similar. So tough isn't it? If ever you need to talk about THAT issue, I've been there!!) She's straight and was oblivious. My feelings for her lasted for a couple of years but I forced myself to get over it. I honestly don't see her that way any more. I'd obviously just have to cut this bit out of my story when I tell her everything!!!

You've been very patient reading my rambling thoughts - Thanks x