hello, basically i came on here for much needed advice. i live in great britain, am 21 years of age and i'm gay. i've pretty much known i was gay since age 16, but since 16 i've decided to not act upon my feelings for reasons relating to health, morality, religion and well.. yeah, it's pretty complex. i don't want to get into a debate on all that, as that's just how i feel even though i don't want to - but i can't convince myself otherwise that it is right to act on my feelings and believe me: i've tried. Again, i don't want this thread to be about that as i've heard it all before. the problem is, i'm now 21 and i've never had a girlfriend. i'm assuming it must be pretty obvious to my parents or family, or at least it should be - and spurred on by tom daley this week :icon_wink i'm seriously considering coming out to them. i know they don't look kindly on being gay at all, but then i guess to back me up is the fact that i don't look kindly on it either..... which should help them understand? i've been out to my friends for around a year now and they're all fine with it and disagree with my stance on it, but i just feel bad and always weighed down by the fact my parents don't know and i have to keep up the pretence. my father has said pretty extreme things on gays in the past, and my mum i know wouldn't like it (who would?) but we're pretty close and i always tell her pretty much everything. again, it feels like i'm being dishonest all of the time. i should mention that's she's asked me twice before, many years ago - and i said no, and her face dropped when asking the question and tbh i've never seen her looking that sad before. all of that on my mind weighs me down but again, really puts me off saying anything especially face to face. i'm returning to university over next few days and return around christmas, and i've been considering writing a letter and posting it to the house so that they have a few weeks to digest the news. is this advisable or what? responses are much appreciated x
Wow, that's a pretty tough spot to be in. I think something to take into account is if it would negatively impact your life. It's your parents, and I get why you hate lying to them, but if it will cause an addition of unnecessary stress and strife into your life then maybe you should wait a bit especially if it might mean the loss of financial help or a roof over your head. I know it sucks having to lie to their face about it, but if it's any consolation, you're not doing it because you want to. The only reason you're not being honest is because of them, and how they would react. You don't want to hurt them, but should they really be hurt by something you can't help? Not to mention that they haven't made the most welcoming environment, so why would you want to throw yourself into the line of fire? Clearly your mom suspects, I mean, why would she ask you, twice? I think that whatever you decide in the end, you should take yourself into consideration more than them. They're your parents, they're important, but it's not your fault you are the way you are. It may seem like I'm being unfair and judgmental to your parents, but that's only because I face a similar situation so I'm not mincing words. I don't hate my family, I love them, like you love yours, buy I have spent most of my teenage years hating how I am, and desperately trying to change, in no small part to please my parents. All of the pain that came out of it, though not entirely their fault, is still partly on their shoulders. I don't think you do anyone favors by trying to go around that. Point is, I know my family and I know they love me, but I know not to expect acceptance from them, and right now that I'm having a hard time accepting myself, I don't need them piling on. It may come from a good place, but they will make your life harder by trying to help. You seem to be having the same problem, if you're not going to get support from them, and you're not comfortable with how you are, perhaps telling them isn't such a good idea. Of course, it's all down to you, if you feel this is as good as it gets, or you see this as an opportune time, then go for it. It's already hard enough to come out to your parents when you don't know if they'll accept it, it's even more complicated when you know they won't. Try skirting out how they're 'progressing' in acceptance of LGBT's and how they would feel about you coming out. Who knows, maybe coming out will help them in their journey to acceptance. Either way, don't blame yourself for not being straight forward with them, under the circumstances you found yourself, it's hardly surprising you chose to keep it to yourself. Whatever you do, good luck!
Thanks for the response mate, much appreciated. I'd add, I don't think there's any danger of being thrown out at all really - if it helps to add, my mum and nan were talking about gay people a few months back and they basically concluded it with something along lines of 'you have to love them no matter what' really. It's so hard to decide what to do, just I feel more ready to lately.
I think that Shadowregent offered you good advice. You are already out to your friends, and whether you "like" being gay or not, you have accepted the reality of it and are living your life with that acceptance, other than with respect to your family. I suspect your mom knows already and is only waiting until you are ready to confirm it to her. You will probably be happier if you go ahead and come out to them, but it is solely your decision about when and how to do it. Quite a few people here have used a carefully written letter to say exactly what they want to say and get their entire message out without interruption, and give their parents time to absorb and adjust themselves to reality before having a face to face discussion with them. If that feels right for you, then by all means do it sooner rather than later, so they will have more time to think about their response before you see them at Christmas. But if you want the instant feedback of a face to face, then go that route, knowing that you will be face to face until you go back to school while they are dealing with the revelation. They aren't going to "throw you out" at Christmas just because you were honest with them either way; it is just more a question of which way is more comfortable for you and for them. You can even use Tom Daley as a reference point and say he "inspired" you to tell them what your friends already know about you.
