Married with kids, not sure my orientation, dont want to ruin any lives

I've always been gay to some degree. I just Dont know what to do about it any more. I am married to a gorgeous wife that would do anything for me. We have to amazing kids. We are the outwardly picturesqe family who has it together. I stay fit, I act like a gentleman and work hard. I like to think I'm a good father and husband.

I legitimently check women out, appearance wise, they do it for me. I have never looked at guys or been attracted to them, however, I have always imagined and fantisized during sex of being the woman. I have a lust for being a bottom and pleasing men. I only think of this in a sexual way though, and never had or have any wish to have a romantic relationship with men. As I said, I generally like being a man, I am physically attracted to women. Just not when it comes down to raw sex.

I have fantasies of being a woman but only when it comes to sex. I imagine dressing in lingerie and being a girl for my partner.

Really though, the weird thing is I want to lead a straight mans life. I love my family and want my family.

I never cheated ony wife until I found out she had an affair when our first son was just a baby. She had bad post natal depression, I dealt with the baby by working out a lot. After I found out, I almost left, but the thought of my baby being left to a broken home was beyond devastating to me, so I stayed and my wife apoligized and really turned herself around. We went to counseling, and even 3 years later she is devestated by her affair and has done everything she could to make it up to me. The problem is that when i decided to stay, i started going on craigslist to explore my gay side...it helped me heal from the affair and i had a twisted way of thinking I should be able to do that. I am very tech savvy and hiding these occasional encounters is easy. I have always used protection, and am very careful. The problem is i want it more and more now but i am torn on what i am doing to my family. In the last 3 years, I have had about 7 encounters.

I Dont know what to do, and not even sure what I'm asking.

Some days I want to just divorce and be a gay guy and have sex all the time.

But overwhelmingly I want my family and can't stand the thought of them being hurt. My wife is a fantastic woman, beautiful, and my kids deserve the best. I just love them so much.

I know I am closer to bisexual . I still enjoy sex with women, but I always fantisize men. I think this is so hard because I want both, but can't have both. It would be easy if I had no love for my wife and was 100% gay, maybe not easy but the choice more clear.

Please help. Advice? Comforting words? I am a nice guy, really easy going, but I am such a jerk for the things I hide from the ones that love me the most.

 

Thanks Adam. I actually did come out and tell her I was bi after her affair, but the look on her face was shock and she thought I was joking, so I told her instead that I had a fantasy for role reversal but am still straight...she has obliged these fantasies at times, but its not the same, and I Dont think she really enjoys it. I think she thinks it's more than just that.

Anyway, I tell myself that I have it so good. Many guys with these fantasies would kill to have a wife participate in role reversal. I told myself it would be good enough to satisfy my needs, but its not.

So I tell myself to deal with it...after all its not like I have the right to just fulfill any fantasy I want. I did still take an oath to marriage, and the problem is really only sexual in I Dont want to leave her to be with a man or anybody else.

Anyway, I just need to really find my willpower and knock it off.

 

That's exactly it...I romantically wish to be with a woman, my wife, but sexually I want to please men.

I even check out women just like a completely straight guy...

I envy your situation to some degree, but I am desperate to be a family man, raise my kids and love my wife.

Its impossible to win. :icon_sad: