"Are you sure?"

Me too. Hope you find the answer

 

If you think you're x and SOMEONE ELSE

A HUMAN BEING THAT IS NOT YOU

A SEPARATE EXISTENTIAL CONSCIOUSNESS

NEED I ELABORATE FURTHER

says that you're actually y, or are you sure, you do not say "I think I'll reconsider, cause they totally know me better than I do" you say FUCK OFF because nobody has the right to tell you anything about yourself!

There is nothing that pisses me off more than when people try to tell other people about other people's sexuality. Full Stop.

So no, the question is not, ARE YOU SURE, the question is, Why is it any of anyone other than yourself's decision?

It's your life! Take control!!

My apologies if it sounds harsh but seriously it's none of anyone else's decision how you decide/whether you decide/what you decide!

 

I hate that too, because for me, my gender is complex. I've been slowly coming out as transgender, and it's hard to find the right answer when people ask me if I'm sure. Sure, I'm sure I've been experiencing body dysphoria, and I'm sure I don't identify with my designated gender. But in a binary world that sees only one or the other, it's hard to explain that I don't identify strongly with either of my two presented options, and harder to then explain that with everything considered, I still want to transition. There's just no one concise word to sum it all up.

It's ok to be unsure, and it's ok to come out as questioning too. A few friends of mine came out as full blown lesbians, only to later turn around and find themselves attracted to a select few guys as well. While one decided she was actually bisexual, and comfortable with it, the other still thinks of herself as a lesbian, because despite the few exceptions she's still predominantly attracted to girls. Both of these responses are perfectly valid ways to try and label their feelings of attraction.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that in the end, labels are just labels. They might not fit you completely, and that's ok. You might adopt new labels over time, and that's ok too. Nobody should hound you about how sure you are. Just date who you want to date. If anyone's got a problem with it, tough shiz.

 

This is a very frustrating question however, as we all know it is extremely common. I asked about some advice for this when I came out to my sister because she kept asking me how I knew and if I was sure. She wanted me to have like a list like "Because of x, y, and z I'm sure I'm gay." We all know that it isn't that easy though. What helped her understand the most was when I asked her, "Well how do you know you like guys." She replied, "I just know." So I said, "It's the exact same. There is no difference." I think that really helped get the point across to her.

 

I think getting this across to people is one of the most effective ways of answering such questions. If they can grasp just how matter-of-fact it is to 'just know' in regards to whatever preference you have and relate that to their own feelings, it becomes much easier to understand.

Also, and unrelated; I feel it is important to say hello to you fellow Minnesotan. :icon_bigg

 

Yeah, I guess coming out as questioning is easier in some circles than in others, and I can see why you would want to avoid it in your situation.

You sound pretty certain that you like girls more than guys to me, but I'm not you. Do you find it hard to say you're sure of that? If so, why? I'm just trying to get a better sense of your situation.

 

I've heard that femmes need to be more certain than butches, and that makes me sad. Why can't it just be enough that you like girls? I've also heard it can be difficult for femmes to find girlfriends, especially if they prefer other femmes, which makes me sadder.

I still don't think you need to specifically label yourself to come out. It should be enough to say "I prefer girls" - that essentially says everything you know to be certain at the moment. But people like their neat little boxes and labels and their lists of reasons why, and it's all very intimidating. I stopped coming out because all the questions I got made me wonder if I was really trans enough, now I feel like I need to prepare a conclusive and logically written essay before I can come out again. In fact, I keep trying to prepare a conclusive and logically written essay, and a list of resources, just so I can say "yes I think it's time, I think I can come out now" - but it's frustrating because why should I have to have a huge backstory? Why isn't it enough that I feel more male than female and wish to be socially and somewhat physically male to reflect that, and why is it weird if I fancy guys over girls if I can prove that my inner sense of self is what I say it is? We shouldn't need to validate our existances to the "normal" (read: more socially accepted) people, just because they don't "get it" because we're not the first thing they picture when they hear words like "lesbian" or "transsexual".

So the question is, who do we need to be super firm for? I think it's for ourselves, personally. Some people will question you no matter how firm you are, but I still hesitate to come out until I'm sure I'm sure, because I need to be ready to face their confusion like a wisened old scholar that's meditated on the peak of a mountain or something. The longer I try to reach that point though the less I care. I want to be out now, It should be enough that I exist, I shouldn't need to explain why or how, I just am.

And...I'm rambling. So I'll cut myself off right there. Your thoughts?

 

Couldn't have said it better m'self!

 

Well you have two options. You can be honest about how you feel right now, or you can wait until you've figured things out. My advice is to stop seeking a label for yourself.

"Hey, I just wanted to let you know, since we've never had this conversation before that I'm attracted to girls."

"Wait. So you're a lesbian?"

"No, I'm choosing not to label myself, I may have a tiny bit of attraction to guys, but mostly I'm attracted to females."

"So... you're bisexual?"

"No, like I said, I'm choosing not to label myself. I'm just going to go and live my life, and date whomever I feel is attractive."

"Are you sure? You sound confused to me."

"Yes, I'm sure, and I am NOT confused. I am mostly attracted to other women. If and when I choose a label for myself, I'll let you know."

Further questions might be along the lines of:

"How do you know?"

"Easy. You know that feeling you get when someone takes your breath away, those butterflies in the stomach, and the inability to stop thinking about someone - all the usual stuff that happens when you're romantically attracted to someone? Well, I feel that toward women."

"How can you be certain?"

"The same way you're certain that you're straight. How can you be certain about that?"

"Have you... ever, you know, been with another woman?"

"That's none of your business."

Etc. Etc. Etc.

In other words, answer honestly. Sexuality can be complicated sometimes, and it isn't always black and white. You don't need labels unless you want one. You can't stop other people from labeling you. However, that's no different than someone who is bisexual being labeled "gay" when they're in a relationship with someone of the same gender. So, sadly, whether or not you end up deciding you want to be labeled a lesbian or something else - if you're in a relationship with a woman other people are going to tag you as a lesbian regardless.

In the end, labels don't matter. You're not coming out for the right to wear a certain label, you're coming out to live your life openly.

 

is there a chance you're just attracted to masculinity/femmininity ?
sometimes gender doesn't really matter.

 

Precisely.

 

Here's what I would say:
them: "are you sure? you always seemed straight"
me: "no i'm not sure but i wasn't sure if i was straight either"
me: "and anyways JUST SUPPORT ME DON'T QUESTION TEH GAY OKAY"

 

Aldrick is perfection and his advice is sound.

 

^