Tired of losing sleep... more like tired AND losing sleep! I just discovered this forum today and I am so happy that I did. I would intensely appreciate some help/input. I'm gonna try to paint a picture with these words as best as I can, since you can only know someone so well over the internet. I will be 23 next month. I love to write and words come easy... forgive me if this is long and drawn out. Everyone knows me as a straight guy... probably because I am masculine. Quite masculine. I am not questioning my sexuality anymore. I am bisexual. Some days I love the V, some days I love the D. I would probably say I'm a Kinsey 3, maybe a 2 on some days, maybe a 4 on others, but that is why I am bisexual. It is the fluctuation and deviation that drives me crazy. As I get older, pretending to be straight is becoming more difficult and more difficult. I have never told anyone. In the past, especially with my close friends, I tend to start pushing them away when I can sense they are getting "too close" and they might find out. This is a very destructive pattern, but earlier on in my life, coming out would have ruined me. My social circles were all too Christian... and I was all too popular. I was in a relationship with a girl a year ago. She was everything to me. I thought about her all the time. I wanted her. I was GOING to ask her to marry me. I flew down to her home state to ask her dad for her hand in marriage. She broke up with me VERY suddenly and I have never cried so much in my whole life. I was more in love with her than I have ever been anyone. She made me "forget" about my bisexuality, which I viewed as a problem at the time. I understand now that it would have eventually come out in some way or another, and now I'm thankful that relationship ended for her sake. I couldn't, and still cannot bear the thought of me breaking her heart. I met a guy last year who just moved here. There are some people you just hit it off with from the start... he was one of them. Because I was dating this girl when I met him, and of course I didn't know him at all, I never thought anything of it. He and I started to become closer and closer and shortly after my girlfriend broke up with me, his girlfriend broke up with him. That, of course, was huge in our friendship. When we first became friends, we were talking about a gay guy in one of his classes that he just met. Then he asked, "Would our friendship be different if I was gay?" Of course I said "no, dude, of course not." And he said "Yes... yes it would." That has always been interesting to me. He has no idea I am bisexual. Maybe he thinks I am but we have never talked about it. He is constantly telling me about finding a beautiful girl to marry, which girl he would f**k silly, and so forth, and this is terrible because I can absolutely agree with him on everything he says. But here is where I'm TORN. He is CONSTANTLY grabbing, slapping, touching my ass, sometimes with both hands, and has told me on numerous occasions that the ladies MUST love me because I'm a "beautiful man." He has jokingly kissed me on the cheek... and the neck... passionately. He also tells me about his nut-busting sessions daily. We hang out almost every day, and I'd say 80% of the time that we hang out at his place, his hand is in his pants. Constantly playing with himself. He is a very demonstrative person, introverted but NOT SHY and definitely doesn't give a shit about what other people think. He tells me all the time about how people at work ask if he is gay. Always he says "Dude, do I come off as gay to people?" He doesn't. At all. I just happen to be his best friend so maybe I'm blind to it. I feel like I'm lying to him. Unfortunately this is not one of those issues that is like "Oh, one time I stole a car from this old lady!" and I just need to hide it. This issue, the one of coming out as bisexual, has to do with who I am as a PERSON. And it's getting harder and harder to hide. I would really like to come out to him as my first person to come out to. I love the "bromance" that he and I have. I love our friendship. I don't want it to change, and I certainly don't want to say/do anything to him that would jeopardize our relationship. I might love him? If he is straight, and just very demonstrative/expressive, I'm afraid that if I come out to him, he'll be weirded out. Some straight guys are so hung up on the idea that gay men just want to have sex with all other men. I do NOT want my friend to have to think, "I wonder if he is thinking about having sex with me right now." I mean... unless I find out that he has been feeling similarly, then I guess that's a different story. I'm losing sleep over this. I want him to know the true me, but I don't want to scare him away. He's not homophobic at all, but I have had to put on this "straight face" for so long that I'm terrified that it might shake him up too much. Thoughts?? Anything would help. What do you think about my description of him? In your opinion, is what I have described to you normal straight guy behavior, on his part? I'm torn.
Being the proud owner of teh vagina, I don't know if that's typical guy behavior. But the thought has clearly crossed his mind as to whether or not he's gay. The way I see it though, close friendships never last if something big is being hidden from the other person. For example my homophobic ex-friend, with whom I had this girlmance thing, started distancing herself from me when she began suspecting that I might not be straight. I would rather the friendship be open both ways than me having to hide something to keep up ties with her. But that's just me. If you do tell him, either he'll be open and accepting or he'll distance himself. But what's the point in keeping homophobic friends? What do you get out of the friendship if he doesn't really know you or like you for who you are? You don't have to be open with everyone, but perhaps this is a person who should know you for who you are. Keep in mind, that your sexual orientation is NOT who you are. It's part of you, but it's not your whole personality. You know? ---------- Post added 5th Dec 2013 at 01:25 PM ---------- Also I totally feel you on being in a relationship and forgetting that you're bisexual. I think you worded it very well: "She made me "forget" about my bisexuality, which I viewed as a problem at the time." I used to chain-date guys because I knew that there was another side of me that I was repressing. And now dating girls makes me think "maybe i'm gay". But I'm not. I got both in me. And it fluctuates, but the ambiguity of gender preference is always there. It's damn confusing.
spoon23, Well, part of what made me eventually come out of the closet was my friends. I'd already be friends with them over ten years, no one had a clue I was gay. I imagined what it'd be like if I were friends with them another ten years and they found out then and couldn't accept it. I decided I didn't want to be friends with them for over 20 years and have them feel like they wasted their life being friends with a faggot. Thats what I thought, and even though its bigoted I didn't want to hurt them like that and have them feel like I wasted their time if that's how they were really going to feel about it. So I told them, and never got a single negative response from any of them, I'm still close friends with all of them to this day.
Both of your guy's advice is stellar. Hit the nail on the head there. "Close friendships never last if something big is being hidden from the other person." Straight to the heart! Haha. I'm still sitting here considering whether or not I should come out to him. I probably will. I definitely have no idea how to at all.
The fact you broke off from friends in the past rather than come out suggests that you need to tell him. You will never truly be close to someone you have to hide from, so you may as well just do it. Also losing sleep over it, trust me many of us have been there. It only ends once you come out or dive further into the closet.
I can totally relate to this. I know I do the same with my friends, and everyone in my life really. It feels safer to keep people at arms length and deal with thoughts and feelings alone than it does to let them in and risk losing them completely. Like you say its a very destructive pattern and carries the risk of ending up very lonely and disconnected. Personally, its something I know I have to work on if I'm ever to form healthy valuable relationships with anyone but by the age of 23 its a challenge to snap out of such behaviour. For me though, I think this runs deeper than not wanting people to know about my sexuality. I think I'm just a very private person naturally and I don't like letting barriers down to make myself vulnerable in any way. I've had two friends ask me over and over if I'm ok and if there's something I want to talk about when I was going through a rough patch a few months ago. Each time I would either say 'I'm fine' or 'I can't tell you till I've dealt with things in my own head' or 'I'll tell you when... (And promised to talk at another time)'. Needles to say I still haven't told either of them and I can feel them slipping away and giving up. I can't blame them. It comes across like I don't trust them or value their friendship enough. Don't get yourself in this situation. Be brave and talk to your friend, take a chance and trust them. I hope you find comfort in sharing with someone (*hug*)
There is nothing more awkward than two closeted guys in the same closet playing "chicken" to see who will come out first. Neither wants to tip their hand unless they know where the other person stands, but they want to know and usually both want the same thing. Doesn't matter whether you are gay or bi, when you are dealing a person of the same sex, because the awkward part is both being in the closet, not both being interested in each other. Being bi only makes each person seems "straighter" to the other, because it displays the straight identity in the most obvious way, which is dating a girl friend, making it seem even less likely that the other person might be interested in you. You have no way of knowing if his "gay" actions are real or just teasing you about being gay; some guys do that. Putting his hands on you, if you were both wrestlers, would not seem sexual at all; some guys don't mind touching other guys, others are extremely homophobic about it. People are crazy that way. But, here is the bottom line. The only way you are going to find out if he is into you is to first come out to him that you are bi. IF you trust him as a friend to stick by you, then you can come out to him that much. IF he is into you, then you have opened the closet door to him, and he will be in the position to tell you that he is bi also. You don't have to jump to the next step yet if you don't want to, or if either of you aren't ready. Obviously, if you aren't both at least bi, then that is as far as this is going to go. You can both be bonded together by sharing your "secret" with each other. However, if he is bi and "into you", then he might be willing to go further and say so, or you can make the first move and tell him. It all depends on how far you want to go once you both KNOW where you stand on orientation. He might be "into you", but not wanting to admit either being bi or being hot for you. You will not know unless you make some kind of move to find out. The question is, do you trust him with your secret or not? That is the first step for you and you can take it when you are ready.
Not sure if anyone will see this... But I just gotta say that after the support I found here and after the support I found on YouTube, I decided to come out to my 2 best friends. I got nothing but love and understanding. I am sleeping so much better.
Originally posted by spoon23: Glad to hear it spoon. Welcome to the rest of your life and everything you've been missing out on.
