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this is a difficult situation

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by anonymous7, Dec 6, 2013.

  1. anonymous7

    anonymous7 Guest

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    Okay basically I've just come to accept in myself that I am gay,
    I pretty much ok with it, the only problem is that now, I feel like if I really let my self go and just be who I am, that it will be strange for people around me and myself because I am alot different at heart than what I have portrayed myself to be so far. I have been trying to build my persona as a straight dude almost so much that it's become a part of me, so it just feels difficult and strange to completely 'change' in order to be the person that I now feel I am, does anyone have any advise on how to go about this because it's very difficult.. Peace
     
  2. Gingerblond93

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    Just because you accept yourself as gay, does not mean that you as a person needs to change unless you want to.
    However, if you were acting extra macho, masculine to create a str8t persona to cover up being gay, then perhaps if this persona is not really you or who you are, then yes you should slowly let go of this "fake" identity. If you feel this persona is fake and not really you, then yes you can change it to who you "really" are and your "true" identity.

    Please consider there is as much variety in types of gay guys as there are str8t guys. You just need to be you and do what feels comfortable to you. If I were you I'd change at a pace which is comfortable to you. You may want to work on slowly changing your persona to one which match's your heart.
     
  3. WeAreYoung

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    I tried so hard to be the typical "staight girl" too before I came out. I found the only thing I could do was be honest with people, and explain I only did the stuff I used to do to hide my sexuality. So many times i almost commented on random guys on the TV and how hot they are, before realising "Hey, i dont have to do that anymore!!". Old habits die hard lol. It may take some time to get used to being able to be who you are, but you eventually find yourself trust me. It's been a year since I came out, and im still "becoming me" in a way. Honesty and a bit of time is what it takes :slight_smile:
     
  4. anonymous7

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    Thanks, I have not portrayed myself to be too masculin. So far and have kept fairly true to myself other than suppressing what I think I might be. It helps that you say I can just change slowly because a massive leap would be too much for me and everyone I think heha.
    I also have a big problem that my ex girlfriend who I still have feelings for strangely, when we were together, her father died who she never saw, which was bad, but then her mother died who she lived with and whom with which she was very close, now I almost feel responsible because I held myself back and feel it reflected on her to a point where she couldn't act fully on her notions because of how close we were at the time. There is alot of mixed emotions going on with me right now, and part of me even thinks I'm straight.. It's very confusing and alot going on. Thanks again for your responses. Peace
     
  5. Yossarian

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    I am not sure what you mean by "changing" your persona unless you only mean hiding your interest in other men. Maybe you have a not particularly strong sexuality thing going on now, which makes it difficult to decide whether you are gay or straight. If you are anticipating changing the way you dress, or what you do after you "come out", then it would be a good idea to take some baby steps to confirm your sexuality before making any public declaration of being gay, because once you make that change it will be harder to reverse the public perception of who you are. You don't seem to have fully accepted a gay identity yet if "a part of me even thinks I am straight". It is probably better to stick with what you are doing now until you are sure. If you decide for certain that gay is what you really are, then you can feel more free to relax into that identity and make the changes you feel appropriate at a pace you find comfortable.
     
  6. anonymous7

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    Anymore help on the situation would be much appreciated, I'm feeling like I can just accept myself, be happy with myself, and just let what be be. Easier done than said lol. Basically it just feels really hard because I've been caged in a sense for a while and now I'm about to set the bird free in a way. Does anybody else have any feelings of being caged or holding back, because I know it's a very strange feeling. Like a big weight on the heart. Man life is difficult.. But I am who I am.
    All of this accepting it is great and all, but now I have the monumental task of letting the people around me know. Anyone relate to any of this atall? Peace

    ---------- Post added 6th Dec 2013 at 03:22 PM ----------

    Anymore help on the situation would be much appreciated, I'm feeling like I can just accept myself, be happy with myself, and just let what be be. Easier done than said lol. Basically it just feels really hard because I've been caged in a sense for a while and now I'm about to set the bird free in a way. Does anybody else have any feelings of being caged or holding back, because I know it's a very strange feeling. Like a big weight on the heart. Man life is difficult.. But I am who I am.
    All of this accepting it is great and all, but now I have the monumental task of letting the people around me know. Anyone relate to any of this atall? Peace

    ---------- Post added 6th Dec 2013 at 03:29 PM ----------

    Yeh thanks dude. I'm not thinking of changing the way I dress, guess I'm just finding it hard to come to terms with every thing right now. Maybe coming out as being bisexual is an easier option then I can decide along the way
     
  7. SemiCharmedLife

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    I think for me, accepting myself meant not caring if I set off anyone's gaydar, which for a long time was a huge deal for me. I'm not overly flamboyant or anything, and I haven't become any more so since I accepted myself, but I just do what I want to do and act how I act and don't really care how it's perceived.
     
  8. Skov

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    I definitely can relate to you. I denied that I was gay for a pretty long time. Once I accepted it, my life got a little easier. It understand that you're worried that your life is going to change drastically in an instant, but usually that's not the case. You can usually control your coming out at a level you're comfortable with. You don't need to rip the bandaid off and tell everyone right now. You can come out to yourself first, then maybe some friends, then family, etc; or you can do it in a completely different oroder. It's all up to you and should be done at whatever pace you feel comfortable with.

    I also understand what you mean by feeling held back. I pretty much denied all of my feelings for guys and held it all inside. When I told my first person (ex gf), it was pretty much like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders
     
  9. ninerw

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    something I am coming to terms with is the perception of the gay culture and the reality of it. You are who you are, and you don't have to fit any mold, definition, or type that someone else says you should be. Holding back is never an easy thing to let go. Trust me, I've been doing it since I was in middle school. But also you realize who you are and what you want to surround yourself with.

    in the immediacy of me accepting my homosexuality it felt like everything was happening all at once. But now I have realized it is ok to slow down. Take some time to be you.
     
  10. NouvelleVague

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    Hi :slight_smile:
    I can relate to your story, actually :slight_smile: For a moment, I've been trying to be like everyone of my friends – from the slut to the good girl, as long as I was straight and could tell stories enough to feed my friend's imagination and eradicate any other suspicion, it was okay. It was okay for me too, even though deep down I always felt for women. Even for those very friends. Only that at a moment I could not stand living in a persona, and it's liberating o get out truly ... But it was hard for me, as I needed to reconcile with my true self as well, the one I kind of never listened to when I should have - you know that time when you start figuring out your feelings and who you are ? I escaped ito a persona, and I got out and people realize they did not know me.
    See, I don't know if I needed to 'change' when I came out, I just felt like I finally was okay to be me, and I could care less about other's expectations. Example : My cousin used to tell me not to wear shirts 'cause it was manly and that I should wear more dresses, and people around me used to convince me that I should keep my hair longer because well that's more feminine, right... Okay, fine. I mean, I agree, I agreed to that, but I did not like it for the true me, it was for the sake of being like they wanted me to.

    All in all, all I should reckon is you do exactly what you think is meant to be yourself; your actions, your choices, the way you dress. You don't need to fit into any stereotype. I've cut my hair short, not for the stereotypes (But it looks cliché I will admit), but because I've always said I'd do it if I weren't listening to people asking me to fit...well, into other stereotypes. People are categorized anyways, so, pick whatever you wanna do, 'cause you'll be judged anyways :3 Might as well be judged and be at peace with your true self
     
  11. anonymous7

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    Nouvelle vague your beautiful let's meet up and have. Kids. Thanks for all your answers good to hear other people going through similar things. I think I'm just going to let go of everything and see what life brings to me through my eyes. Peace
     
  12. Plutanan

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    I didn't see anyone comment on this, but I saw that you thought coming out as bi might be easier at first. I would wait and wade through this on your own or with someone you can talk with. I personally wouldn't want to come out as bi then come out again as gay. That may or may not happen, but just know for sure before it happens.

    Other than that, I relate to you. When I do come out, I will continue to act the same. Only my attraction to men will be known. Sometimes, you haven't changed at all. It's only people's perceptions that have changed.