I'm turning 23 in three days. I've identified as nonbinary since I was about 17 or 18, and I've known that I'm transgender for about two years now, though at the start I played around with labels like "genderfluid" and "genderqueer", and it's only over the past year and a half that I've settled on "transmasculine" as being the most accurate descriptor for me right now because I am fluid in expression but not in identity. Before I figured out I could safely identify as nonbinary, I felt "off" for years but never knew how to put words to it - the best I could manage was a humble "sort of" when I was referred to as a girl. I'm out as non-binary to my boyfriend, who has so far been very accepting and understanding and has offered to let me talk to some of his trans friends for support (he has both mtf and ftm friends) - all together the best response I could have imagined from a straight guy. I'm out to three friends as trans, and they were surprised but accepting. My sister knows I think of myself as more of a guy, but she doesn't know I want to physically and socially transition, or that I consider myself male-leaning, but pretty neutral. I think that's too complex to talk with her about right now, when I'm stuck trying to come out to my parents. I want her support when I out myself after all. Over the summer, two of my friends (and my friend's cat) and I went to Pride, and we had a lot of fun. (True story, she had recently adopted a hairless kitten, and had her leash trained already, so we took her to Pride. We got a lot of attention, especially from the local lesbians. The cat got a rainbow collar, purchased on the spot.) I wore my trans pendant and picked up a little rainbow flag, and adored the drag queens. I easily and eagerly tossed my hand up when she asked where all of our transgender individuals were. And I didn't feel scared, or ashamed, or guilty. I didn't even care, in that moment, that I'm short, and have soft features, and that my weight falls to my thighs, and that it's going to take a hell of a lot to make me masculine. I felt safe to just be honest about myself, I felt like I wouldn't be judged. And I went home, and tucked my pendant under my shirt and rolled up my flag, and snuck it into my house. And then I reconsidered it all and tucked my flag behind my mirror, right in plain sight. And since then my mom has commented on my pride flag - not in a positive or negative way, just making the observation. I suppose that's a longwinded way of saying, I might not be out, but I'm not always subtle. I have a rainbow pin from my college's pride group on my backpack. I have a tshirt from my college's day of silence. I bought a pair of rainbow boxers when I was sixteen and sure I was somehow not straight, but stuck trying to put words to why - and wear said boxers with the aforementioned pride shirt to bed sometimes. I bind and shop in the guy's section. I am very comfortable with my identity. I am comfortable with the idea of making a physical and social transition. I am beyond the point of maybe's and what-if's, and I don't hesitate to gender myself anymore. Sure, I have my bad days, but I am more often comfortable with myself as a trans individual than not. And I'm a full-grown adult that clams up trying to just get the damn words out to mom and dad. I don't know how they'll handle it. I don't know what their opinions on trans people are. I don't even really know what their opinions on gay people are. My mom I think has her heart in the right place, even if she does occasionally say things that can be construed as negative, more a result of ignorance I think than any malice. She's always been supportive of my gay friends, found it to be extreme and terrible when one of my gay friend's parents kicked him out over his sexuality, and when he was finally allowed back home she knew that they would have to come around eventually, because how could you disown your child over something like that? I don't know though if she's actually supportive, or if she finds she likes queer individuals but not their queer aspects like so many other Christians seem to. My dad is harder to read. For years, he's had some sort of delusion that I'm out to oppose him and challenge him at every turn, and my entire teenage years were spent constantly butting heads over nothing. He never mentions the subject one way or the other, but he did ask me once if I was a lesbian, and when I responded in the negative he made a comment about not thinking it was in his genetics or something that I found pretty hurtful, though I didn't tell him that. He tends to live in the past a lot. He was working in the mental health field when they first declassified homosexuality as a mental illness, but never suggested that to be a good thing or a bad thing. In some ways he can be described as traditional, but in other ways he's not. Both of my parents are more annoyingly ambiguous than I am, and it's maddening trying to figure out if I should come out or not. Right now my biggest fear is that my dad will think this is some sort of second-wave rebellious phase. He's constantly saying how whenever I start to really get on his good side, I seem to turn around and do something to challenge and confront him again. Considering that I'm not a particularly rebellious creature - a self-serving creature first and foremost, sure, but I do hate making a scene - the whole viewpoint seems to be steeped in...zero logic. I don't know what I ever did to make him so polar in his feelings about me. One day I'm his confidante, the next, his enemy. I worry that if he feels particularly negatively about transfolk he'll jump to this ridiculous conclusion and never see the reality of the situation. And with his tendency to live in the past, I doubt he knows that gender identity disorder isn't a disorder anymore. I'm also really worried that my mom won't take me seriously, and that she might turn out to be one of those "I love you but not your queer" types, which seems unlikely but you never really know, do you? I guess at the core of it all, my biggest fear is not being taken seriously. I'm atypical, after all. I don't match the narrative. I want to be taken seriously. I want it to be ok to be the way I am, because I don't see anything particularly wrong with me. And at the same time I hate on myself so hard sometimes, tell myself I must be crazy, must be wrong, I'd be an awful guy, it's true what I've been told that I'm too cute to ever be seen that way, maybe I'm lying to myself even though it feels right, I'm a freak, I should suck it up and forget about it, try to live full-time as a woman even though it hurts and I struggle with it. I'm tired of hiding, and I guess yeah, I do want the validation of my parents like a fucking child. I'm stuck living with them, it appears for quite a while, because I don't foresee the opportunity to move out coming up anytime soon. And I just can't anymore. I know my dad will be devastated that he won't be seeing any grandkids out of me. But I can't handle the stress of knowing that he wants to see me settle down and have kids someday. I do not want children, getting pregnant would literally kill me. I'm tired of being seen as a not-so-womanly woman, and feeling like a joke whenever I get dressed because it's hard finding clothes that fit. I just want to look in the mirror and feel right for once. I'm tired of the constant dysphoria. I'm tired of being designated social expectations I can't meet. I'm tired of the anxiety. Sorry this is so long, I just needed to organize my thoughts. Needed to share them too I guess. I'm a bottler, I've been bottling all of this stuff up for a while. :icon_sad: To anyone that actually read through that, help yourself to some of my oreos. You're a champ. If you can offer up any advise on the matter, you can consider those oreos double-stuffed.
I read through it all, I'll take 3 Oreo cookies without cream. Since I am rather new to these forums, first post, please excuse me if the advice I give is subpar. In the sixth paragraph you mentioned your Father holding you in two very different views. Since you say he changes between the two often enough that he himself as noted it, the possibility of him staying in such a negative view of transgenders seemed to be slim. While his comment in paragraph 5 does have connotations of having a negative view of queer people, if it's influenced by his medical background since he left just as it was declassified. From what I read I would recommend trying to find something related to gender or sexuality queer to see his views. You said you don't know, so begin to. You've struggled through finding how to identify yourself. How a parent views his child is oft different from how he sees another. You did it with your mother already, so you know she will be supportive. Doubts of "I love you but not your Queer", no idea what that means, ask yourself if it's your, at the moment, somewhat negative mindset and over-thinking. She can run damage control or repair. If your dad responds more to facts or things that are more logical in nature, find the studies, credible sources and cite your case. If he's more vulnerable to emotion prepare stories with facts and testimonials. In Alt's experience, making a plan or an outline is better than having a wordweb as it seems you have now. You worry too much, like many others, what others will think. People think what they are told, even in your text you're wondering about all the things you've heard and because of that you're as you are now. Tell yourself that you are in the right until the times were you sometimes hate yourself so hard are gone. Consider this, no one looks at the mirror and sees themselves because it's a reflection and not you actually. I believe people know this and invite themselves to see the reflection in a more negative light than the original but it looks similar enough that the reflection becomes once again becomes a reflection the original.
Hi, I think you struggle with it so much, because you give big meaning to your parents' reaction. It is too important for you what they will say. I believe when your approach will be "I am about to do xxx, and I just wanted to let you know," you will be much calmer and confident. In your head, you are still asking permission. You want to please them in a way. Your approach is not "I want my life to be this way, deal with it." You are more like "I would like my life to go that direction, would that be OK with you please?" I don't mean it in a bad way. I was exactly like you, and it took me about a year or two to get to the realization that sometimes, what is important to me, is really way too important than to let other people spoil it by giving them the upper hand in making that decision. Don't give them "the upper hand" by depending on their acceptance and their taking you seriously. (*hug*)
Thank you both for the advice. I need to find some good resources, I think they'll help a lot if they are confused or not sure how to take the news. I guess you're right, I am placing too much importance on their reactions. Like I said, I don't like making a scene. And since I have nowhere else to go right now, It kind of matters that they take it at least semi-well. I don't have a car, or anyone to crash with for a while if things go downhill. I depend on them occasionally for money to make payments on my bills, or buy me food. I just want to avoid another torrent of anger from my dad, he's kind of a pro at those, and somehow takes my personal life choices as attacks on his views. When I went vegetarian, it was a huge deal. When I went vegan, there was quiet disdain. If he has a particularly negative opinion, then I know that there will likely be a shitstorm. I don't want to have to go through that again. And even though I doubt they're the types, I've seen so many religious parents tell their LGBT kids that they love them unconditionally...just not that gay part of them. It makes me wonder, since my parents are religious themselves, if they'd comfortably go there like so many people do. If I had a fall-back plan, their opinions would matter less, but since I have no way to escape their judgement I'm afraid to open up and accept it in case it's bad. But I do need to stop giving them the upper hand in the situation. I have a coming out plan in mind, but trying to figure out when and how to go about it is frustrating. I need to get over these stupid worries.
They are not stupid. Do you think your situation can get better in the near future? Will you have another option where to live? Maybe you could postpone the coming out till then?
Right now it looks like I'll be stuck here for a while. After my bills are paid each month, I have between $200 - $300, if I'm lucky - that's hardly enough for rent, or gas, or anything like that. For about a year and a half, I tried putting it away until I had a little to fall back on, in the hopes that over time I'd accumulate enough to justify moving out, but it's all gone now thanks to assorted unforeseen circumstances and periods of unemployment. I hope I'll be able to find a new job soon, instead of running between two shitty jobs like I am now, but work is pretty scarce here.
