Sorry if it will be long, and thank you if you read it So, the thing is, I recently admitted to myself that I like girls that way. I mean, I think I knew it long before then, but I just pushed it to the back of my mind and didn't think about it. But about a year ago, I started to consider the possibility and I read lots of books with LGBT characters in it but I still never actually thought about being lesbian/bi myself, at least not consciously. And then, I had my first boyfriend. At first I really liked him and I thought it could turn into something more by time. But eventually I just didn't feel anything at all. I didn't even enjoyed kissing and hugging. So we are not together anymore, we never actually broke up, but I guess it was obvious that I like him just as a friend. So during the time we were together, I started to really think about being not completely straight. Now, I'm pretty sure that I'm bi because I still find guys attractive and I don't think I should come to the conclusion that I'm lesbian, because I didn't enjoy kissing with one guy. (and I'v never kissed a girl in my life...unfortunately.) So since I admitted it, it seems it is all I can think about. Everytime there's a hot girl in TV and I casually say insde my head "oh, she is hot", or when my mother asks me about boys, and in school of course everybody talks about boyfriend issues and just when anything comes up relating to the subject of dating and finding love I always wonder "oh my God, what would they think?" And sometimes I consider coming out, but I think I'm not ready yet. If I imagine the situation it's just...no, I'm not there yet. But lately, everyone seems to come up with lesbian jokes (mostly joking that "hey I didn't know you were lesbian"...which I'm not, I'm bi but still...) and just don't know why now. I'm sure it's not because they know or suspect because everyone knows that I had a boyfriend, and I've always made comments about guys only. For example, the last time we were changing clothes after PE and I asked one of my class mates if I could borrow her deodorant and she said "of course, we have been together for years and you have never asked it before." (everyone asks her to lend it to them all the time, so we are starting to feel guilty that we use up all of her deodorant) obviously she meant that we go together to shcool, but the others just started to ask us what did they missed. And the other jokes are similar to that, so they are not directed to me precisely. But somehow, I seem to get one about every week and it doesn't help not to think about the subject all the time. Can it be just coinsidence? Should I think anything more about it? But it's not my only question. I feel like I need to talk about my feelings with someone who really understands them. But unfortunately I don't know anybody who is LGBT and there are no support groups in my school or town so I don't know how could I talk to someone. I've come out to one friend so far (my bestfriend) and she's been really supportive and understanding but since she is completely straight, she cannot actually relate. And sometimes I feel like I make a bigger deal out of it than it is in reality. I mean, I don't even have a girlfriend yet...so why am I worrying so much? But in the mean time, it really feels like a big deal and I know it bothers me that there's something I'm afraid to tell my parents and friends. I even tried to tell it to my brother once but it went terribly so since then, we haven't talked about it and he seems to have forgotten the subject. So I'm not ready to come out yet. But other then that, is there anything I can do to stop thinking about it all the time and worrying? And a few days ago, me and my mother were talking about things that we can't say out loud so they trouble us and I just casually mentioned that yes, I know the feeling, but didn't explained it further. Since then, I deeply regret that sentence because this morning, it turned out that my mum has been thinking about it since then and she want's to know what troubles me. And she now thinks that either I've done something wrong and if so she can't trust me or maybe I have a problem related to my parents' divorce and she is disappointed because she thought I feel comfortable telling her everthing (I said it to her a while ago that I am...but obviously I didn't think about this small thing....at least I hope it is small, even if it doesn't feel like it). But I couldn't bring myself to say it. I just cant. But it's really awkward now and I don't know what to do, but I'm sure I don't want to come out yet. And if she tells it to my father that there's something I don't talk about, it will be even worse. Because I don't feel guilty keeping a secret from my mother, but I would definitely feel if it came to my father. ( we have a very diffenrent relationsip with my father and with my mum and since I don't live with my dad, I don't want anything to be awkward between us on the few occasions we meet) But I have no idea what he would think about it and I just don't want to find out yet. And also, my mum said they noticed that I'm different nowadays, and it really surprised me since I thought I'm not. (she says I seem worried and moody...) I will tell them someday, but until then...I just need to figure everything out on my own, without worrying what they think and what they say. Is there any solution for this? Or should I just wait until I come to terms with it myself? I mean, I've accepted myself but I just can't deal with the thought of others knowing it too.
If you're not ready to come out then don't and I can sorta tell that you aren't ready. The best thing you can do is to just carry on thinking about it, the more I thought about it the more I began to realise and come to terms with my sexuality with myself and sometimes that is the hardest part, coming out to yourself. Tell her that you have friend trouble if you have to say something then in a week or so tell her that the situation has been resolved. Coming here is the best thing because talking to other LGBT people is the best thing you can do!
Doesn't sound like your ready but I agree keep thinking about it and when you feel you are ready come to yourself first and then when you feel you can come to someone else it's harder to admit to yourself I think I just came out to myself a few months ago and when I felt ready came out to 4 people you will get a lot of support on here.
Thank you very much - both of you - for your advice! I'm really glad for it and it helps a lot. Then, I guess I will tell my mum in a week that the problem has been solved if it comes up again. And in the meantime I will just try to figure the things out myself. I know I'm not ready to come out yet. I'm so glad I've found this site, it has been very helpful Thanks again.
Let me throw in a slightly different perspective as the father of a 23 year old daughter. Parents can tell when there is something bothering their kids. They usually want their kids to be happy, and if there is something that is troubling their kids, then they want to help; that is part of being a parent. If my daughter had been gay, I would want to have known, so I could be there to help her understand that her sexuality is only one small aspect of her personality; there is nothing "wrong" about it; that we as her parents would accept and welcome her female friends into our house as guests without prejudice of any kind. I would want to know that she needed our support, so that we could offer it. If she was uncertain about her sexuality, then I would want to be able to help her sort it out when she needed help. That is what good parents DO. I read stories here about homophobic/religious parents telling awful things to their kids about kicking them out of the house, or humiliating them, or telling them that they are going to hell, or refusing to pay for their education, and it creeps me out. I don't know how YOUR parents would react to your "coming out"; you have to be the person to guess what their reaction would be and react accordingly. But, there is NO WAY I would let my daughter's sexuality become an issue which would drive her away from us, or make her want to hide this from us. I can't even comprehend why any parent would feel that way if they care at all about their children. They have to accept us just the way we are, and we have to accept them just as they are in return. I guess what I am trying to say here is that it is up to you to give your parents the information so they can do their job, IF you feel that you are ready and that they would act responsibly. I think you would feel a lot better if you could safely do that in your circumstances. But, if you aren't ready, you can always talk about your feeling here until you are. <hugs>
It was really good to read the perspective of a parent, thank you for your reply. Actually, I'm pretty sure my parents wouldn't react badly and they wouldn't kick me out or things like yet. Still, it feels like a huge step to take and the more I think about it and the more posts I read here,I feel like it's not the time for it yet. I will come out to them eventually, because I want them to know, but I will wait with it until I'm comfortable with it. Thanks again.
