So I decided a while ago that I never wanted a "coming out" moment. It seemed like it would be awkward, and create a large conversation about my personal life that would be making this part of my identity more important than it really is. I figured there'd be a point where I'd meet enough new people that I could just start my life as a gay man and move on with it. I moved to a new town in August to start my masters, and I've made a lot of good friends. They just happened to assume I'm straight somewhere down the line (one is trying to hook me up with my neighbor), and I don't know how to correct them or when its appropriate to. I haven't been purposely "acting straight" (or at least I don't think so). Many of them are gay and I can hardly think that they'd care. I don't like talking about my personal life, and I have little to no experience talking about being gay. I think I'm afraid not about having people know that I'm gay, but that I don't know how to let them know/talk about it/ or really be gay for that matter. They may not care that I am gay, but they may care about how I talk about it and incorporate it into my identity. Even though I haven't tried to, I've lied to these people for a good chunk of a year now. I feel guilty hiding it, and I'll feel bad about just bringing it up out of the blue. "By the way I'm gay and have no interest in dating her. Sorry!" Doesn't feel right, and I'm not sure I'll have acceptable answers to any questions that come after. Is this normal? Am I being dumb about it? Was there some golden opportunity that I probably missed? Even now, I think I'm complaining too much. Crap. Thanks for the help.
Hey pickardy, welcome to EC! There's no right way to say it, only you can decide when it is the right time to have this awkward conversation, but I would say, the sooner the better in order to avoid the kind of misunderstandings that are inevitable. You don't have to act gay, you don't have to delve into the details of your personal life, but being vulnerable with others, by coming out to them, is a necessary step toward progress. No one will begrudge you the time you took to develop trust in your new friends, it won't matter, I assure you.
"Well, what do you think? You gonna date her?" "Well she's nice, but she's not really my type." "oh? Why not?" "I prefer guys." All coming outs should be this simple. There shouldn't be any need to prove anything or explain yourself after this point. Of course that's not always realistically the case, but I think it's worth a shot anyway, especially if you think they would be okay with it.
You didn't miss any golden opportunities; they didn't come up, unless you consider that this is actually the one you have been waiting for. "Are you going to date her?" "She is a nice girl, but I think she would probably prefer to date someone who is straight." "You are gay? Why didn't you say so?" "Nobody asked. Everyone I have met here seems to be cool with gay people so I assumed everyone knew and didn't care. I have been too busy studying to spend time dating guys, so I guess that is why no one noticed I am gay. Hope it doesn't matter to you now that you know."
