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Mixed Message After Telling Friend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by toffee96, Dec 10, 2013.

  1. toffee96

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    Hey all,

    First off, thanks for any help in advance. Here's the deal: last week, I finally came out to one of my closest friends. I told my parents a few months ago, and I felt extremely compelled to tell at least one of my friends for at least a month. I jusy couldn't deal any more, so I told the friend who I was most sure wasn't homophobic.

    Just for some background, my friend and I are both high-school juniors at an all-boys school in a pretty liberal state, though the school is definitely more conservative than liberal. Athletics are king, and no one in the history of the school (which is relatively small at about 450 kids across six grades. We've known each other for over two years, as he didn't join school until freshman year.

    The initial reaction went pretty well. He was definitely surprised as I'm not obvious or anything, but he didn't flip or anything like that. We only talked about 10 minutes-ish because his ride came, but everything he said seemed positive. He promised not to tell anybody, and said he "wasn't against it or anything" but added that "no one's ever told me anything this big before." I was more than satisfied as I expected worse.

    The next few days went well (I told him on a Wednesday) but we didn't talk about it at all. On Friday (two days later) I told him I was going to text him, and he promised to text back. I basically just said that I wanted to make sure he was doing OK and when he didnt reply after a few hours, I let him know that if he needed more time to deal that was fine to, but to just let me know so I wasn't kept in the dark. Unfortunately he never replied that weekend and I was pretty worried. (Though he has in the past been bad about texting, I think he would'nt have just forgotten about something like this.)

    This week (today's a Tuesday) he's seemed fine in group environments around the rest of our friends, but we still haven't talked about it. Also, he's seemed kind of nervous/awkward/quiet when in smaller groups with me. We also haven't been alone since I came out to him.

    I guess my main question is does he just need more time to cope with the fact that I'm gay, or is he genuinely freaked out and might not want to be friends? I don't know if a week is enough time, which is basically what I'm asking here.

    The only other explanations are either he thinks I like him (I've been being extra nice ever since I decided I would tell him first) or he's gay too (less likely but he never talks about girls and acts shy in the locker room before/after sports, and I think(?) I may have caught him staring at guys a time or two) and is struggling with how/whether or not to tell me.

    I really hope he just needs more time (or better yet, I'm overthinkning the situation and everything's fine) as he is one of my closest friends and I have more in common with him in terms of taste in TV and music than my other friends. I may be being paranoid because I've kind of been burned by friends a few times in the past who I don't talk to anymore, which makes me all the more worried of losing my friends.

    What's the best thing to do? Give him more time/space? Act normal? Spend less time with him than usual? More? Send him another text? Or maybe a longer e-mail (writing is one thing I pride myself on so I could write a pretty nice e-mail probably)?

    Sorry for all the text! This is a new (and stressful) thing for me & my family so any advice is very much appreciated!
     
  2. cdk

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    Hey mate,

    I think you are over-thinking things here. As you said earlier, you were the first person to tell him something "big". Understandably, he probably doesn't know how to behave right now. Put yourself in his shoes, what would you say to someone that came out to you? Especially if that is a first time?

    So, try to approach him (alone, or give him a call) about other things like school work, TV show and slowly work your way up to talking about the whole gay thing. You don't have to talk about it if he is not comfortable with it, I guess the main thing here is that he knows that you're gay.
     
  3. toffee96

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    Thank you for the help! That's basically all I needed to hear. Unfortunately I don't know any out LGBT people & this is completely new to my parents so I didn't really have anyone to ask. Thanks again!
     
  4. Yossarian

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    As Dr Phil says: "You wouldn't worry so much about what people think, if you realized how little they do." He probably thought about it for a while and then has moved on to other stuff that is more immediately urgent to him. Don't just act normal, BE normal and quit worrying about it. You shouldn't expect him to say anything when other people are around, as you did ask him to keep it quiet. Don't expect him to bring the topic up unless you start the discussion, after all, it isn't that big a deal for him, and really shouldn't be that big a deal for you.
     
  5. phoebe

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    well, it is an all boys school. and as you said he hadn't had any news quite as big! maybe he needs time to digest it
     
  6. thisisawug

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    Congratulations on coming out to your friend :slight_smile: it's a big step

    But yeah, I would agree with the others that you are probably overthinking his reaction. When I came out to one of my close friends, I convinced myself that she was avoiding talking to me even though she hadn't said anything negative to me and I knew she wasn't homophobic. We're now completely back to normal, but I would say that's mostly because I've stopped worrying about it now.

    It's true that he might need some time to digest, especially if you told him out of the blue, but it's probably mainly that you're thinking about his reaction so much that you've convinced yourself that he's thinking about it all the time too.

    I'd say don't press the issue at the moment. Just try and go back to talking about TV or music or whatever else you normally talk about, and wait until you're comfortable with the idea of him being comfortable with your sexuality (if that makes sense), and then when you feel ready just gradually start making reference to your sexuality in conversation sometimes, and that way your confidence in your friendship builds up again.

    Obviously I don't know your friend, but that's what worked for me.
    Good luck, and I'm sure it will all turn out to be fine :slight_smile:
     
  7. toffee96

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    Thanks again for all the help!

    What I'm gathering from this essentially is that it usually takes more than a week for a friendship to return to normalcy. That's fine, actually kind of what I expected. It's just frightening going through it for the first time is all.